I leave everything I know in 5 days. The popular question is how am I feeling....well, I wish I knew. Yes, part of me is super excited. I am excited to meet and get to know the people I'm going to be living with and sharing the next few years with. I am so nervous to meet them and I'm sure in two years I'll laugh about that and have some wonderful new people as a large part of my life. I am also excited to see what life will be like in Micronesia and meet people in Micronesia. I can't wait to have so many questions answered and get settled...
On the other hand...GOODBYES SUCK SUCK SUCK!!! I've said goodbye to people in El Salvador and Nicaragua and that was never easy, and I've said goodbye for short terms to go to those countries...non of which were easy, but this might just be my hardest goodbye. As much as i know I want to do JVI, I also regret it at times this week as I see what is does to my mom and other wonderful people in my life, and question who will still be here when i get back.
People have asked me though if I can back out, and I'm sure I could, but I wont. I'm in, I'm there, I'm invested, and I'll be a much better person when i get back. So in that way....lets get me settled and started.
Logistics of what I'm doing:
-Volunteering for 2 years with Jesuit Volunteers International (Corps)
-Teaching high school at Saramen Chuuk Academy (subjects still unknown) in the Federated States of Micronesia.
-Living with 2 other women and 2 other men in community.
-I should not be returning until summer of 2011.
-There are 4 other volunteers in another location on the island and 4 more on another island in Micronesia.
-I did not know any of the people leaving with me this year before applying.
-I do know one girl from SLU who is living on the island that is currently there but lives in the other community.
-I chose the program (JVI) not the location.
-ummm, Micronesia is an island nation in the pacific island
-Classroom/official language is English, native language is Chukese.
-I do not speak a lick of Chukese.
-I leave July 18th from home to go to Cleavland, OH for a two week orientation and straight from there on Aug. 3 to Micronesia.
-I leave 6am from OH and arrive in FSM (Federated States of Micronesia) 10am Aug. 5th in Micronesia.
Ask questions and I'll respond but I don't know much more.
I'll miss you all! Thanks for all of the love and support!!!
Monday, July 13, 2009
Saturday, August 2, 2008
HOME
So I am home. I have been home since the 23rd of July and is has been a lot easier than the last time, but man am i bored. So much happened in the last two months that I cannot even begin to explain, but i was ready in some ways to come home. I have really enjoyed some things that i now consider guilty pleasures, but yet pleasures. For example, air conditioning, my car, hot showers, and swimming in pools or going boating. These are luxuries that I am very grateful to have. To be perfectly honest, i am alright being home and soaking these things up. There are people i miss no doubt and things i would like to still be doing in the way of seeing and experiencing. The only struggle i'm really having being home this time is being incredibly bored and wanting to be around people. I feel like i have a lot of things to do alone, but i just want to be around people. I think that is my biggest culture shock right now is the lack of togetherness here. So if you are reading this...get me out of my house and around other people!!!! PLEASE!!!
On another note, before i came home i went back to El Salvador. That was a beautiful time. I went back to my praxis site, El Cedro and a lot had changed but all good changed. They have a garden there now to grow plants, there is running water accessible to anyone and def. more clean than what they probably used before. They are doing more artisan stuff to sell, and there is another teacher there so the pre-school and kinder garden groups can have their own time and space. It was really neat to be able to understand better and communicate myself. It is amazing what you hear and notice when you hear the words people use. For example, where i stayed in Cedro, the husband asked if i was here because i had to come for business or something, and the wife said, "no, i think she is here because she cares about us." It was really great to be able to hear that they know that. Just little funny things too, or anything in general was nice to understand. I think I may have forgotten how much people in Cedro struggle for life tho and to feed their family. I forgot how hard the cycle is there and hearing people still talk about the gangs and the violence was real again. I got to spend the day before Cedro with Sor Lidia which was nice. She is an inspiring woman. I am a little sad to know that she is going to be leaving El Salvador in January and being placed somewhere else, but to hear what she wants to do, and through that to see how much she loves people was great. She would like to work in Haiti, or work with gangs, or she could be working with immigrants in Guatemala/Mexico, or something else, but the work she could be doing is just splendid and what she already has done too is something amazing.
After time in Cedro and with Sor, I went to see my friend Danielle who is working for 2 years in El Salvador and went out to dinner and just had a really chill night. She is so peaceful and true to herself-really one of the best people to be around and have a conversation with. She seems to understand a lot more and be so present to whoever she is with. I got to sleep in that day before i went out to Tepecoyo to visit my good friend Wiliam.
Wiliam is the night guard for the program i stayed with and i talked o him a lot at night. He is very insightful, joyous, and just a wonderful person. I took a bus out to Tepecoyo to visit him and his wonderful family. Firstly I was so proud of myself to take the bus by myself and not be incredibly scared out of my mind. That was a big thing for me this time when i went back...I got over being scared a little and realized that if something is going to happen there is nothing i can do about it so why worry so much. Anyhow, the time with Wiliam was AMAZING!!!! Going back to Cedro just to see him and his family is so worth it. I laid in hammocks a lot, I made tortillas, played monopoly, laughed and looked out over the other mountains. I cannot explain how peaceful it was to be there. That family is really something special to me. I really do not know how to explain how peaceful and joyous that time was with them. I was able to tell wiliam that i talked about him in a presentation i did at school because i could see God in him. Even tho God is a struggle for me, Wiliam is one place i see God. I really did not want to leave when i did, but i had other "dates" that day to be at and it turned out to be another really good day.
I went back to the Casa. Oh, insert, the first time i went back there during the day Lidia answered the door and she did not know i was coming or anything and she opens the door and goes "JESSICA!!!!" and said, wow, you remember my name! haha. They have so many students that go through those doors. I was so surprised that she remembered me. That was beautiful. Anyhow, back to the day. I went back and found a note that my lunch date was cancelled but it turned out ok because i was able to spend some time with the kitchen staff that day, take a nap, and just be a little. That day Lidia made me a necklace with the artisan stuff they were doing which was a fabulous gift and she also gave me some banana bread she made. AHHH!!! haha. Lidia's home cooking! Her and Lupita sat down with me a while to catch up too which was exciting. Oh, i got jugolandia that day too...anyone that has been to Salvi understands!!! ahhh, the best juice bar in the world i think. Anyhow, before dinner i got to catch up with an old Casa friend Chris who was in Salvi at the same time. It was great to have an hour together, but i wish it could have been more. He is really awesome and there was so much to talk about, but just being back together in each others presence was great for me. Oh, In also got to catch up with Kevin, one of the program coordinators which was nice.
That night I had plans to hang out with Julio and Neto. It was just a trip of great conversations and beauty. So we went and got papusas just the three of us. It was a lot of fun. We didn't talk about a whole lot, but mostly joked. It was so great though to be with them too, and to pass the relationship that i used to be a student and see each other more as old friends getting back together. I have to say, even though it is hard to stay in contact, i am blessed to have friends to see in sop many places. I can go to these wonderful places and have people there to see and be with. Just a great time and a lot of love.
After that i went back to Danielle’s for the last nights. I think i needed that time to chill out and just be. I had a wonderful cab ride. We were making small talk and it turned into talking about the war and this man was drafted into the government military. He seemed really regretful and told me that the things i knew about 90% of human rights violations happening from that side and the massacres are true. It is shameful to me to know that our government funded that. Anyhow, there was a lot to that conversation, but at the end he asked why the US always has their hands in everything? Why do they get into everything El Salvador is doing. I really dont know a good reason. I just said fear and power. I really feel like that is a lot of it. I do not think we should be so into everyone else’s business. It is a hard line to draw tho as far as how to help best-which we have not done in Salvador...we have harmed them way more than helped...agh.
Other things from there-i got to see Adela again which was nice. Just being around people and getting great hugs was fabulous. I thought about applying as a CC which i might do, but i do not think it is exactly what i'm looking for after college, but we'll see what happens. Speaking of ending college...lets not talk about it. I do not like the idea and do not know what i'm going to do with my life after that. SCARY!!! And, I will be writing a final paper for my class so I will eventually post that i think. If anyone wants to talk about any of this, I would be more than happy to meet you somewhere. I love to talk about it, but not a 10 min convo of how was it, because i cant really explain anything at all in that time. I'm pretty free these next couple of weeks tho.
The best thing i can say tho, challenge yourself to see if for yourself!!! It is worth the money to go there and put yourself out there.
Peace,
Jessica
On another note, before i came home i went back to El Salvador. That was a beautiful time. I went back to my praxis site, El Cedro and a lot had changed but all good changed. They have a garden there now to grow plants, there is running water accessible to anyone and def. more clean than what they probably used before. They are doing more artisan stuff to sell, and there is another teacher there so the pre-school and kinder garden groups can have their own time and space. It was really neat to be able to understand better and communicate myself. It is amazing what you hear and notice when you hear the words people use. For example, where i stayed in Cedro, the husband asked if i was here because i had to come for business or something, and the wife said, "no, i think she is here because she cares about us." It was really great to be able to hear that they know that. Just little funny things too, or anything in general was nice to understand. I think I may have forgotten how much people in Cedro struggle for life tho and to feed their family. I forgot how hard the cycle is there and hearing people still talk about the gangs and the violence was real again. I got to spend the day before Cedro with Sor Lidia which was nice. She is an inspiring woman. I am a little sad to know that she is going to be leaving El Salvador in January and being placed somewhere else, but to hear what she wants to do, and through that to see how much she loves people was great. She would like to work in Haiti, or work with gangs, or she could be working with immigrants in Guatemala/Mexico, or something else, but the work she could be doing is just splendid and what she already has done too is something amazing.
After time in Cedro and with Sor, I went to see my friend Danielle who is working for 2 years in El Salvador and went out to dinner and just had a really chill night. She is so peaceful and true to herself-really one of the best people to be around and have a conversation with. She seems to understand a lot more and be so present to whoever she is with. I got to sleep in that day before i went out to Tepecoyo to visit my good friend Wiliam.
Wiliam is the night guard for the program i stayed with and i talked o him a lot at night. He is very insightful, joyous, and just a wonderful person. I took a bus out to Tepecoyo to visit him and his wonderful family. Firstly I was so proud of myself to take the bus by myself and not be incredibly scared out of my mind. That was a big thing for me this time when i went back...I got over being scared a little and realized that if something is going to happen there is nothing i can do about it so why worry so much. Anyhow, the time with Wiliam was AMAZING!!!! Going back to Cedro just to see him and his family is so worth it. I laid in hammocks a lot, I made tortillas, played monopoly, laughed and looked out over the other mountains. I cannot explain how peaceful it was to be there. That family is really something special to me. I really do not know how to explain how peaceful and joyous that time was with them. I was able to tell wiliam that i talked about him in a presentation i did at school because i could see God in him. Even tho God is a struggle for me, Wiliam is one place i see God. I really did not want to leave when i did, but i had other "dates" that day to be at and it turned out to be another really good day.
I went back to the Casa. Oh, insert, the first time i went back there during the day Lidia answered the door and she did not know i was coming or anything and she opens the door and goes "JESSICA!!!!" and said, wow, you remember my name! haha. They have so many students that go through those doors. I was so surprised that she remembered me. That was beautiful. Anyhow, back to the day. I went back and found a note that my lunch date was cancelled but it turned out ok because i was able to spend some time with the kitchen staff that day, take a nap, and just be a little. That day Lidia made me a necklace with the artisan stuff they were doing which was a fabulous gift and she also gave me some banana bread she made. AHHH!!! haha. Lidia's home cooking! Her and Lupita sat down with me a while to catch up too which was exciting. Oh, i got jugolandia that day too...anyone that has been to Salvi understands!!! ahhh, the best juice bar in the world i think. Anyhow, before dinner i got to catch up with an old Casa friend Chris who was in Salvi at the same time. It was great to have an hour together, but i wish it could have been more. He is really awesome and there was so much to talk about, but just being back together in each others presence was great for me. Oh, In also got to catch up with Kevin, one of the program coordinators which was nice.
That night I had plans to hang out with Julio and Neto. It was just a trip of great conversations and beauty. So we went and got papusas just the three of us. It was a lot of fun. We didn't talk about a whole lot, but mostly joked. It was so great though to be with them too, and to pass the relationship that i used to be a student and see each other more as old friends getting back together. I have to say, even though it is hard to stay in contact, i am blessed to have friends to see in sop many places. I can go to these wonderful places and have people there to see and be with. Just a great time and a lot of love.
After that i went back to Danielle’s for the last nights. I think i needed that time to chill out and just be. I had a wonderful cab ride. We were making small talk and it turned into talking about the war and this man was drafted into the government military. He seemed really regretful and told me that the things i knew about 90% of human rights violations happening from that side and the massacres are true. It is shameful to me to know that our government funded that. Anyhow, there was a lot to that conversation, but at the end he asked why the US always has their hands in everything? Why do they get into everything El Salvador is doing. I really dont know a good reason. I just said fear and power. I really feel like that is a lot of it. I do not think we should be so into everyone else’s business. It is a hard line to draw tho as far as how to help best-which we have not done in Salvador...we have harmed them way more than helped...agh.
Other things from there-i got to see Adela again which was nice. Just being around people and getting great hugs was fabulous. I thought about applying as a CC which i might do, but i do not think it is exactly what i'm looking for after college, but we'll see what happens. Speaking of ending college...lets not talk about it. I do not like the idea and do not know what i'm going to do with my life after that. SCARY!!! And, I will be writing a final paper for my class so I will eventually post that i think. If anyone wants to talk about any of this, I would be more than happy to meet you somewhere. I love to talk about it, but not a 10 min convo of how was it, because i cant really explain anything at all in that time. I'm pretty free these next couple of weeks tho.
The best thing i can say tho, challenge yourself to see if for yourself!!! It is worth the money to go there and put yourself out there.
Peace,
Jessica
Friday, July 11, 2008
getting to the end
Last night was the last night sleeping at my house. today is the last day at Dos Generaciones. Yea...so i realized today that i don´t want to leave Nica. I am ready for the program to be over, but leaving Nica I am not so ready for. I would love to live here with a little more control over my life and a little more time for myself. I almost cried this morning because i was playing with Mariann. She is so close to walking and i just love that baby so much. Yesterday my mom brought me and the family to her hometown as a special day with me, and i said to my sister here that she was going to miss me and she just told me that i would miss her too. My host mom made me an outfit...which i´m a little scared of how it´s goign to look but its the thought. I cannot believe she made me cloths...like really made them. crazy! I feel like i should be there more...its hard that we are not and i always feel guilty. ahhh...i cant believe i´m leaving. today at dos generaciones there are balloons and streamers in the office we´re always in and a sign that says hasta la vista baby! haha. Goodbyes suck because they are always so thoughtful and i remember what all i have. I am though so excited to see everyone at home and be in more control of my life. I have realized that I think i could live here, but that I also really appriciate my own car, warm showers, washing machines, and air conditioning. all those expensive things that are luxuries....i really like them. haha.
In general tho, my emotions are all around. they are really sad because of leaving some great people, really excited and even a little nurvous to go back to salvador, and excited to see people at home too. I am excited to be there for jacki as she plans the wedding, and for all my other friends just to be there. i am excited to go boating with my family, and take a little time for myself without feeling guilty that i dont spend enough time with people. Guilt has been a huge self inflicted feeling i have experienced here. I wish i knew when i should feel guilty for soemthing and when it is just me worrying and thinkign too much, because lets be honast, i surely think too much. thats why sometimes i actually like to watch tv, because i dont think all deep. it gets annoying.
Well, less than two weeks and i will be seeing people. I leave here tuesday for el salvador. Wednesday (16) i´m going to Cedro with Sor Lidia until Thursday(17), Friday(18) with Danielle, Saturday(19) and Sunday(20) with William, Monday(21) beach Tuesday(22) i think with Danielle or chris before i go to the airport on the 23rd...wow. i´ll be home before we know it!
Thats the plan. Today we´re leaving for the beach in Leon and a retreat tomorrow. Sunday we´`re going to church with our families and have the day in the bario until 7ish...then i dont know what i´m doing exactly monday. i have a few thoughts but i dont know how they´ll work out. ok. love ya´ll and seeyou soon!
In general tho, my emotions are all around. they are really sad because of leaving some great people, really excited and even a little nurvous to go back to salvador, and excited to see people at home too. I am excited to be there for jacki as she plans the wedding, and for all my other friends just to be there. i am excited to go boating with my family, and take a little time for myself without feeling guilty that i dont spend enough time with people. Guilt has been a huge self inflicted feeling i have experienced here. I wish i knew when i should feel guilty for soemthing and when it is just me worrying and thinkign too much, because lets be honast, i surely think too much. thats why sometimes i actually like to watch tv, because i dont think all deep. it gets annoying.
Well, less than two weeks and i will be seeing people. I leave here tuesday for el salvador. Wednesday (16) i´m going to Cedro with Sor Lidia until Thursday(17), Friday(18) with Danielle, Saturday(19) and Sunday(20) with William, Monday(21) beach Tuesday(22) i think with Danielle or chris before i go to the airport on the 23rd...wow. i´ll be home before we know it!
Thats the plan. Today we´re leaving for the beach in Leon and a retreat tomorrow. Sunday we´`re going to church with our families and have the day in the bario until 7ish...then i dont know what i´m doing exactly monday. i have a few thoughts but i dont know how they´ll work out. ok. love ya´ll and seeyou soon!
Sunday, July 6, 2008
I think the church in terms of the Catholic church is full of hypocrites in general looking at the churches i´ve been to and am around most. The people do not know what social justice is. I don't think church leaders try to push people either. it is really hard to be part of a church that closes it´s doors to so many too. we met two wonderful lesbian couples this week and they were so loving and felt injustice and oppression that no one should experience. the fact is, a church should love and be open to everyone. As far as Nica and Romero, it is depressing that there were not more religious leaders helping, but rather the catholic church has seemed harmful here. At the same time, the UCA has opened their doors to GBLT workshops and Joe Mulligan is raved about. I know he´s from the U.S., but he is church leader here who is doing great work. not only him, but also people like Jon Sobrino and Dean Brackley. It still sucks though that we have to really look up to people like them who are doing what everyone should be doing-at least in my opinion. I think tho, that there are a lot of great people doing great things, but unless they die, it is not noticed. I wish good people wouldn't have to die to inspire others through their lives. I think we should be inspired through the Luis´s of the world who love and work for justice every day, or the Mark Chmiels who put people before anything else and constantly make time to patiently be with people.
Back to the topic though, As a Catholic or christian after being here is has become increasingly harder to think that the christian or catholic church is right because there is so much that they do not do. It is as if believing and having spirituality is the only factor while people are dying. I cannot understand a religion that the majority of the people turn their backs on the suffering of others and cling to ignorance rather than trying to see and learn from the reality of others. Ignorance is just as bad as being the person inflicting the injustice because by choosing ignorance, we are ultimately choosing not to help others and therefore, probably harming them more. It´s like the story about they came for the Jews and i didn't say anything because i wasn't a Jew, then they came for the Muslims and i didnt say anything because i wasn't Muslim then they came for the Christians and no one said anything because there was no one left. we are screwing ourselves in the end. The church doesn't respond to the needs of today's society, the poor, the homosexual, the oppressed, the exploited...I think it is out of fear of loosing people and to keep a little power at the top. I believe there are greedy and power hungry priests too. So to bind myself to this church...i dont know. I think recognizing problems and staying in it means working from within, where sometimes you are seen as too radical and have to be silenced to be heard a little. I also think though that if you leave, there is no way to be listened to at all and it stays the same. I dont know if it could become impossible to be bond to that church. Maybe if you stop believing in anything the church stands for...yes, because then it will be more frustration and keep one from doing anything good while trying to fight to change something they think is totally wrong...These are no real answers tho.
What do i feel called to do with my life???? hahaha. is this a joke? I have no idea and being here just makes things even less clear. It raises more answers. Sure, i know i don't want to by name brand anything because i see so many big corporations that are everywhere and that wealth should be shared. I know that i want to support coffee cooperatives instead of Folgers, and i know that some things about me will change, but what i am going to do with my life i have no idea. I´ll continue with social work, look into JVI more, and other two year programs or experiences, continue working with international populations and having patience with people who struggle with the language, and continue to have compassion for people. I will try to stay connected with people and love people. Laugh, smile, try to make others smile...make people feel important. I am so lost tho as to what i want to do after i graduate. I mean, I am really interested in JVI, but i also realize that i would love to come back to Nica, or at least some Spanish speaking country and Nica would be great because i have relationships here and could better let those great people i know realize how important they are to me. At the same time, I hear my mom and other family saying they dont want me to, and realizing how much i will miss if i leave. I also realize i don't have the choice of where i go. Ultimately it has to be my decision i know, but it is a hard one, and even if i apply, i dont know i will be accepted.
Past that, going to grad school is a scary thing i don't feel ready for. I have no idea if i want to do family and individual work or community work. They both are so great. There are so many things i could do with that. I mean, with community i could work to educate people about immigration and work with immigration policy which would be fabulous. I could help leaders realize they are leaders and teach communities what they really can do as a community. At the same time, i could really be with people on an individual level and make them individually see their own talents and abilities while being patient and loving with them. I could work with children who have incredible potential and abilities that they are discovering and set up programs for them. I wish i could open an organization like Dos Generaciones where there is community work going on, but there is a lot of individual work happening too with counseling and art programs. Even though there are some structural problems there, the idea behind the program is amazing, and they really have the stance that the people have to want to do it, and explain the huge huge difference between charity and justice. Charity sucks in my opinion. Don't give people things. They will rely on that. Help them to work for it...that is the only way to change the system. Give them the resources to work for it. If we want to give money, give it to justice programs that know how to use the money to help people live more justly and substainalbly...because after we give, their life goes on and they run out of what we gave, but if we help them to improve their lives, they can withhold that themselves. So yea, i don't know what i´m doing with my life. I think that is one of the most scary parts of returning home...i don't know, and i don't know how to explain why i am so confused about what to do with my life and what is the best way to use myself for and with others.
Back to the topic though, As a Catholic or christian after being here is has become increasingly harder to think that the christian or catholic church is right because there is so much that they do not do. It is as if believing and having spirituality is the only factor while people are dying. I cannot understand a religion that the majority of the people turn their backs on the suffering of others and cling to ignorance rather than trying to see and learn from the reality of others. Ignorance is just as bad as being the person inflicting the injustice because by choosing ignorance, we are ultimately choosing not to help others and therefore, probably harming them more. It´s like the story about they came for the Jews and i didn't say anything because i wasn't a Jew, then they came for the Muslims and i didnt say anything because i wasn't Muslim then they came for the Christians and no one said anything because there was no one left. we are screwing ourselves in the end. The church doesn't respond to the needs of today's society, the poor, the homosexual, the oppressed, the exploited...I think it is out of fear of loosing people and to keep a little power at the top. I believe there are greedy and power hungry priests too. So to bind myself to this church...i dont know. I think recognizing problems and staying in it means working from within, where sometimes you are seen as too radical and have to be silenced to be heard a little. I also think though that if you leave, there is no way to be listened to at all and it stays the same. I dont know if it could become impossible to be bond to that church. Maybe if you stop believing in anything the church stands for...yes, because then it will be more frustration and keep one from doing anything good while trying to fight to change something they think is totally wrong...These are no real answers tho.
What do i feel called to do with my life???? hahaha. is this a joke? I have no idea and being here just makes things even less clear. It raises more answers. Sure, i know i don't want to by name brand anything because i see so many big corporations that are everywhere and that wealth should be shared. I know that i want to support coffee cooperatives instead of Folgers, and i know that some things about me will change, but what i am going to do with my life i have no idea. I´ll continue with social work, look into JVI more, and other two year programs or experiences, continue working with international populations and having patience with people who struggle with the language, and continue to have compassion for people. I will try to stay connected with people and love people. Laugh, smile, try to make others smile...make people feel important. I am so lost tho as to what i want to do after i graduate. I mean, I am really interested in JVI, but i also realize that i would love to come back to Nica, or at least some Spanish speaking country and Nica would be great because i have relationships here and could better let those great people i know realize how important they are to me. At the same time, I hear my mom and other family saying they dont want me to, and realizing how much i will miss if i leave. I also realize i don't have the choice of where i go. Ultimately it has to be my decision i know, but it is a hard one, and even if i apply, i dont know i will be accepted.
Past that, going to grad school is a scary thing i don't feel ready for. I have no idea if i want to do family and individual work or community work. They both are so great. There are so many things i could do with that. I mean, with community i could work to educate people about immigration and work with immigration policy which would be fabulous. I could help leaders realize they are leaders and teach communities what they really can do as a community. At the same time, i could really be with people on an individual level and make them individually see their own talents and abilities while being patient and loving with them. I could work with children who have incredible potential and abilities that they are discovering and set up programs for them. I wish i could open an organization like Dos Generaciones where there is community work going on, but there is a lot of individual work happening too with counseling and art programs. Even though there are some structural problems there, the idea behind the program is amazing, and they really have the stance that the people have to want to do it, and explain the huge huge difference between charity and justice. Charity sucks in my opinion. Don't give people things. They will rely on that. Help them to work for it...that is the only way to change the system. Give them the resources to work for it. If we want to give money, give it to justice programs that know how to use the money to help people live more justly and substainalbly...because after we give, their life goes on and they run out of what we gave, but if we help them to improve their lives, they can withhold that themselves. So yea, i don't know what i´m doing with my life. I think that is one of the most scary parts of returning home...i don't know, and i don't know how to explain why i am so confused about what to do with my life and what is the best way to use myself for and with others.
Monday, June 23, 2008
whats up...
So all of my reflections have been with a topic to reflect upon, and i dont really feel like a topic. I so badly need time just to think myself about all the things that are going on here. we have been so incredibly busy. The time i have had at computers i use to read e-mails and write my papers. it is kinda tough sometimes. Then i also use skype to call home, so i dont have much time to really think about things. So much is going on here. I am worried about coming home because i will go from doing soemthing every day, lots of impactful things that i havent had time to think about, to not knowing what to do with myself for another month.
This experience has been so different from el salvador. There are some really amazing people here. My family has been great and i have not had nearly enough time to talk to them and just be with them, but they are fabulous and there are some really great joys being with them. For example, yesterday i played in the rain with my host mom who is about the age of my grandma bonnie. The was great. Grandma, if you are reading this, we need to play in the rain together!!!! haha. It was fabulous. Also, as i have said before the baby is just wonderful. The people at the center that we go to almost every day are beautiful people who i also wish i had more time with. Two months is just not enough to really enter into real relationships with people and be together. It is, but not to know things that you wonder...not to hear all their stories...well, i dont think you can ever do that, but casi (almost, i think casi is a better word for almost).
The things that i am scared of tho, is all of these amazing things that i have done with such strong people, for example, we have heard people speak about sweatshops, we have been to fair trade places, we talk about theology and faith so much. I dont know, i cant reflect the way i did in salvador. I cant think aobut all of this. Seeing children malnurished and living in trash, working, who cant read. ...it has been so hard to see. I can´t really concentrate tho. sorry my reflections suck this time around!!!
This experience has been so different from el salvador. There are some really amazing people here. My family has been great and i have not had nearly enough time to talk to them and just be with them, but they are fabulous and there are some really great joys being with them. For example, yesterday i played in the rain with my host mom who is about the age of my grandma bonnie. The was great. Grandma, if you are reading this, we need to play in the rain together!!!! haha. It was fabulous. Also, as i have said before the baby is just wonderful. The people at the center that we go to almost every day are beautiful people who i also wish i had more time with. Two months is just not enough to really enter into real relationships with people and be together. It is, but not to know things that you wonder...not to hear all their stories...well, i dont think you can ever do that, but casi (almost, i think casi is a better word for almost).
The things that i am scared of tho, is all of these amazing things that i have done with such strong people, for example, we have heard people speak about sweatshops, we have been to fair trade places, we talk about theology and faith so much. I dont know, i cant reflect the way i did in salvador. I cant think aobut all of this. Seeing children malnurished and living in trash, working, who cant read. ...it has been so hard to see. I can´t really concentrate tho. sorry my reflections suck this time around!!!
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Christ the Liberator, theo reflection.
Last night on the bus there were two barefoot children singing for money. There was a woman sitting by the back door asking for three cords from each person that got off, and there was a child that looked to be 5 years old with an IV bandage on her hand and scares that looked to be from chicken pox on the bus. This was on the way home from hearing about conditions in sweatshops here, poverty and working 24 hours straight to feed children, and talking to youth in the area that are trying to do programs to help kids around. That program was inspiring when thinking about the conditions of life here. Today I went to the service again in the CBC which I LOVE because of how ready these people are to praise God and work to better their lives and the lives of others through justice, and then, I played in the rain with my host mom. So yes, I can see Christ as the liberator here, and I think Christ is the liberator. Following Jesus does not mean what the woman preaching on the bus today thinks it means. it is not about proclaiming Jesus Christ as your savior and king, but about living as Christ lived and caring about everyone regardless if they are the tax collector, the adulteress, or where they are from. Christ was about working to give dignity to everyone. To me, saying you are christian but not doing anything for the least of the people in the world, those in jail, those hungry, thirsty, naked, illiterate is to be a hypocrite. The beatitudes say blessed are the ones who seek justice, blessed are the merciful, and so on, they do not say, proclaim Jesus as the way and then go on with your own life, but they are to do something. There are so many places in the bible that say to do something. to help others and really work for improving lives, but those are overlooked. I do not think i am a perfect christian, but especially as catholics, to call ourselves a church of action should not mean that it is a church where we go once a week and then only pray and do nothing else during the week. I don't really know, but i do know that i can see why it is important to see Christ´s life and the way he lived over the Resurrection. I do understand the preferential option for the poor and that being a christian is not about talking, but about doing.
I think playing in the rain was liberating today. i stood in the middle of the street and spun in circles and looked around and thanked God for giving me that rain. That is not the liberator i think of all the time, but it is one of the beautiful parts of liberation. A freeing, detached since. A sense that i can do what i want and not feel shame. I can have control over my own life and not have fear. Everyone should have that opportunity. Personally, i do not care about traditional aspects of Christianity and the fear of the Vatican. Kristin has it right. She said we can only live our lives the best we can now because God is with us in the people, and we have no idea what will come in the future or after we die, but if we live our lives now for the people and leave a better world for future generations we at least know we did the best we could with our lives. It was something like that at least.
I do think that people can have a very personal relationship with God, but within that relationship justice should not be forgotten. I think that personal relationship with God can so easily be within the people too. It does not have to be a power relationship where God has the power and is above us in heaven and we are little munchkins on earth with no power. If we are created in God´s image, we are capable of doing a ton, and why is it up to God to do it if we are capable. Plus, being in God{s image, each person we meet is a part of God. I think some of these things are the changes in my thoughts on faith because they are idea that have come from discussions here with other people. Hearing how others think of God is such an interesting way to change our own thinking because sometimes they really make since. But overall, Christ and God in us are liberators.
Another thing i have thought for a while is that Christ knows what it is like to suffer and be tortured. He suffered and was tortured himself. People suffering of hunger everyday, or of poor work conditions, or all the other suffering in the world, Jesus can understand because not only was he outcast, but he was tortured. Why would people who suffer not be able to relate to this suffering of Christ. I can totally see the reality of people feeling Jesus along with them in their suffering and working for their liberation because he knows what is it like to suffer. He didn't say turn the other cheek to be passive, but more to stir up trouble and push people to think about what they are doing. He tested and pushed people too in order to bring about justice.
I think playing in the rain was liberating today. i stood in the middle of the street and spun in circles and looked around and thanked God for giving me that rain. That is not the liberator i think of all the time, but it is one of the beautiful parts of liberation. A freeing, detached since. A sense that i can do what i want and not feel shame. I can have control over my own life and not have fear. Everyone should have that opportunity. Personally, i do not care about traditional aspects of Christianity and the fear of the Vatican. Kristin has it right. She said we can only live our lives the best we can now because God is with us in the people, and we have no idea what will come in the future or after we die, but if we live our lives now for the people and leave a better world for future generations we at least know we did the best we could with our lives. It was something like that at least.
I do think that people can have a very personal relationship with God, but within that relationship justice should not be forgotten. I think that personal relationship with God can so easily be within the people too. It does not have to be a power relationship where God has the power and is above us in heaven and we are little munchkins on earth with no power. If we are created in God´s image, we are capable of doing a ton, and why is it up to God to do it if we are capable. Plus, being in God{s image, each person we meet is a part of God. I think some of these things are the changes in my thoughts on faith because they are idea that have come from discussions here with other people. Hearing how others think of God is such an interesting way to change our own thinking because sometimes they really make since. But overall, Christ and God in us are liberators.
Another thing i have thought for a while is that Christ knows what it is like to suffer and be tortured. He suffered and was tortured himself. People suffering of hunger everyday, or of poor work conditions, or all the other suffering in the world, Jesus can understand because not only was he outcast, but he was tortured. Why would people who suffer not be able to relate to this suffering of Christ. I can totally see the reality of people feeling Jesus along with them in their suffering and working for their liberation because he knows what is it like to suffer. He didn't say turn the other cheek to be passive, but more to stir up trouble and push people to think about what they are doing. He tested and pushed people too in order to bring about justice.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
it can get hard.
cold early early moning shower, need to do my laundry by hand and i have a ton, my mom here asks how i{m doing and serves me breakfast, i run out the door, jump on an unconfortably cram packed bus and walk into dos generaciones where they generously recieve me excited that i{m back from being sick, and then the electricity goes out and the hellish heat begins again. We take the surveys to the dump to ask the 14-20 year olds about what they know about human rights concerning immigration. Yes, i said we go to the dump to do this. we drive passed houses that has their front and back yard as a huge pile of trash as big as thier house. There is burning trash fumes flying through the air they breath every day. if i never smell burning trash again i will be extremly happy and that much further from gagging....and that is where they live. their houses are made of rusted sheet metal.
my question, where is the dignity in digging through trash to make a living. working in the dump to find recycables to put food on the table for your family. why would anyone have to do that. what has the world done wrong that there are people living in the dump, working in the dump, pulling what they have in their houses out of what other people throw away. other peoples trash is their lives. Human dignity? i dont think there is. We went into a house in the dump to do the survey with a 15 year old girl. her dad came in and told us about how he has lived there all his life. he is illiterate and works all day in the trash and forces his children to go to school so they can leave that life. a little boy ran through the house. oh my God this little boy. he was so dirty and he had that little pot belly that you see in pictures of children who are malnurished. He wasnt sad, he was a child running around, dirty with a pot belly, only wearing shorts, and he really lives in poverty. he lives in the dump with his family who works, but they are still poor due to the structure lack of resources. As we sat there, flys swarmed. It was so unconfortable. There are my flys everywhere in the dump that in any barn i can think of in the states. it{s like a pile of horse poop with flys, one huge pile of horse poop....that is how many flys there are living where these people live....where only flys should live.
I cannot describe what it is to walk through the burning trash, through the dump, into houses there, and then out of the dump, walking into acaualinca and still just into more poverty and more pot bellied children. Those places, those comercials, they are real. i{m sorry but they are. The water running down dirt rodes of houses made of trash...that is real. You dont want your skin to touch that water because you dont know what kind of water it is. Imagine living in that each day. It hurts so much just to walk through it each day i go to service, but living there...
And then i think about God, what i wrote about poverty in the last reflection. It isnt God turning his back on these people or their need for God. It is the people that have resources, that have opportunities. It is the structure and the God in us that have to do something. There are so many calls in the bible to give to people with nothing. To stop for the forgiener (outcast, poor, whatever)as a good samaritain...As christains do we ignore the bible? Do we only do what is confortable in the bible for ourselves? Do we live in a structure that is unjust just because it is easier that challenging that?
I get it...it is like Chan Khong says, I can explain it all i want, but until someone feels it for themselves, until someone is they, they wont get it. They wont leave the confort of their family and lives unless they have experiences it.
These are just thoughts. I think they help me more than anyone...but it is also why i am who i am. I know it can be hard to understand some of my thoughts or why i want to push people further, or why i do what i do, but my answer is from Learning True Love (a book), until you are willing to experiece it, you may never really understand. That is something i need to remember also.
But that dump, that lack of human dignity, that is not right. I don´t think to call ourselves christians and to call ourselves compasionate, we can just say there is nothing we can do about that and not ever try. That to me is a lie and the easy way. That dump makes me want to cry every time i go through. Sending gifts and playing is just a good intention too. That is so hard. I am there with Nicaragians, and i see missionary groups go through handing children toys and having good intentions, but sometimes those intentions are more harmful than good. Sometimes they step on the toes of justice organizations because charity is not going to change injustice. it will be there for a time, and gone the next moment. It never changes the situation. The group comes and gives things, and then after they leave, the people go back to their poverty. i{m going to stop now. This is long, and i{m sure it was not fun to read. I promise, it is not fun to think about and experience either. Think about it though. Human Dignity, Justice vs. Charity, Our call as christians...really, thank you if you read the whole thing.
my question, where is the dignity in digging through trash to make a living. working in the dump to find recycables to put food on the table for your family. why would anyone have to do that. what has the world done wrong that there are people living in the dump, working in the dump, pulling what they have in their houses out of what other people throw away. other peoples trash is their lives. Human dignity? i dont think there is. We went into a house in the dump to do the survey with a 15 year old girl. her dad came in and told us about how he has lived there all his life. he is illiterate and works all day in the trash and forces his children to go to school so they can leave that life. a little boy ran through the house. oh my God this little boy. he was so dirty and he had that little pot belly that you see in pictures of children who are malnurished. He wasnt sad, he was a child running around, dirty with a pot belly, only wearing shorts, and he really lives in poverty. he lives in the dump with his family who works, but they are still poor due to the structure lack of resources. As we sat there, flys swarmed. It was so unconfortable. There are my flys everywhere in the dump that in any barn i can think of in the states. it{s like a pile of horse poop with flys, one huge pile of horse poop....that is how many flys there are living where these people live....where only flys should live.
I cannot describe what it is to walk through the burning trash, through the dump, into houses there, and then out of the dump, walking into acaualinca and still just into more poverty and more pot bellied children. Those places, those comercials, they are real. i{m sorry but they are. The water running down dirt rodes of houses made of trash...that is real. You dont want your skin to touch that water because you dont know what kind of water it is. Imagine living in that each day. It hurts so much just to walk through it each day i go to service, but living there...
And then i think about God, what i wrote about poverty in the last reflection. It isnt God turning his back on these people or their need for God. It is the people that have resources, that have opportunities. It is the structure and the God in us that have to do something. There are so many calls in the bible to give to people with nothing. To stop for the forgiener (outcast, poor, whatever)as a good samaritain...As christains do we ignore the bible? Do we only do what is confortable in the bible for ourselves? Do we live in a structure that is unjust just because it is easier that challenging that?
I get it...it is like Chan Khong says, I can explain it all i want, but until someone feels it for themselves, until someone is they, they wont get it. They wont leave the confort of their family and lives unless they have experiences it.
These are just thoughts. I think they help me more than anyone...but it is also why i am who i am. I know it can be hard to understand some of my thoughts or why i want to push people further, or why i do what i do, but my answer is from Learning True Love (a book), until you are willing to experiece it, you may never really understand. That is something i need to remember also.
But that dump, that lack of human dignity, that is not right. I don´t think to call ourselves christians and to call ourselves compasionate, we can just say there is nothing we can do about that and not ever try. That to me is a lie and the easy way. That dump makes me want to cry every time i go through. Sending gifts and playing is just a good intention too. That is so hard. I am there with Nicaragians, and i see missionary groups go through handing children toys and having good intentions, but sometimes those intentions are more harmful than good. Sometimes they step on the toes of justice organizations because charity is not going to change injustice. it will be there for a time, and gone the next moment. It never changes the situation. The group comes and gives things, and then after they leave, the people go back to their poverty. i{m going to stop now. This is long, and i{m sure it was not fun to read. I promise, it is not fun to think about and experience either. Think about it though. Human Dignity, Justice vs. Charity, Our call as christians...really, thank you if you read the whole thing.
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