getting to the end

Last night was the last night sleeping at my house. today is the last day at Dos Generaciones. Yea...so i realized today that i don´t want to leave Nica. I am ready for the program to be over, but leaving Nica I am not so ready for. I would love to live here with a little more control over my life and a little more time for myself. I almost cried this morning because i was playing with Mariann. She is so close to walking and i just love that baby so much. Yesterday my mom brought me and the family to her hometown as a special day with me, and i said to my sister here that she was going to miss me and she just told me that i would miss her too. My host mom made me an outfit...which i´m a little scared of how it´s goign to look but its the thought. I cannot believe she made me cloths...like really made them. crazy! I feel like i should be there more...its hard that we are not and i always feel guilty. ahhh...i cant believe i´m leaving. today at dos generaciones there are balloons and streamers in the office we´re always in and a sign that says hasta la vista baby! haha. Goodbyes suck because they are always so thoughtful and i remember what all i have. I am though so excited to see everyone at home and be in more control of my life. I have realized that I think i could live here, but that I also really appriciate my own car, warm showers, washing machines, and air conditioning. all those expensive things that are luxuries....i really like them. haha.
In general tho, my emotions are all around. they are really sad because of leaving some great people, really excited and even a little nurvous to go back to salvador, and excited to see people at home too. I am excited to be there for jacki as she plans the wedding, and for all my other friends just to be there. i am excited to go boating with my family, and take a little time for myself without feeling guilty that i dont spend enough time with people. Guilt has been a huge self inflicted feeling i have experienced here. I wish i knew when i should feel guilty for soemthing and when it is just me worrying and thinkign too much, because lets be honast, i surely think too much. thats why sometimes i actually like to watch tv, because i dont think all deep. it gets annoying.
Well, less than two weeks and i will be seeing people. I leave here tuesday for el salvador. Wednesday (16) i´m going to Cedro with Sor Lidia until Thursday(17), Friday(18) with Danielle, Saturday(19) and Sunday(20) with William, Monday(21) beach Tuesday(22) i think with Danielle or chris before i go to the airport on the 23rd...wow. i´ll be home before we know it!
Thats the plan. Today we´re leaving for the beach in Leon and a retreat tomorrow. Sunday we´`re going to church with our families and have the day in the bario until 7ish...then i dont know what i´m doing exactly monday. i have a few thoughts but i dont know how they´ll work out. ok. love ya´ll and seeyou soon!