Dear Friends and Family,
My Easter gift to you is too long of an update, but it’s pretty holistic of what’s going through my mind lately. For people who REALLY want to know, this will be good. For those of you who want the sum, you’ll never finish! Because it’s a long one, I’ve separated it into parts which you can read as you want. I’ve written them mostly at different times, so they will not flow:
Part One: General Update
Sorry it’s been a while since I last updated this blog…maybe a month or so. Life has gotten more and more busy here as I fall into my niche. Today is Sunday, and I have been rather useless and I love to do nothing on the weekends, but the good news is other than some church functions with the students, we have begun Easter Break! I’m very ready for the time off. I’m sure it’s going to fly by, but I will have time to finish up some stuff, catch up on grading, relax and so forth. Things have been going pretty well here. The power is kinda a nuisance because it’s only on every 4 hours and it was much better before the last few months, but at least we have power unlike most of the other islands.
So lets move forward…What’s been going on here…We FINALLY got rain!!! And it’s been wonderful other than the fact that it’s muddy, but I love the sound of rain, and the island really needed the rain for shower water. People were running out completely…as did we, but we’re lucky to have a deep well to hook up with.
Um, teaching is going well too. I’m still teaching writing to the Junior class which I really enjoy because I feel like I learned writing VERY well in high school and remember some of that. Plus I was able to contact some of my high school teachers and get some of the handouts I remembered using and all I have to do is enforce those handouts. I don’t so much like grading the writing, but I like teaching it and feel like it’s going well. I’m also teaching Anne Frank to the sophomores which is interesting. I enjoy the moral lessons and the holocaust unit, although I’m not sure how many students are really reading the book…but I’m just hoping!!!! They keep failing the quizzes but I’m not sure if they’re too hard or if they are not reading or comprehending, but they wont ask questions so who knows.
I’ve also been entering into the reality more here. So, this past week as health care passed in the US, I was reminded about how shitty health care is here. First, people’s nutrition is that of, or worse than that of the people living in the US ghettos because of money and access. People are overweight because of horrible food, have diabetes and little education to stop the spin of health problems. Even if they had the education, they don’t have the resources. We understand this among the Chuukese people because we have the same problem. We’ve regularly had the conversation about how bad our nutrition is because when/if there is decent food; we don’t have the money to buy it without eating horrid food towards the end of the month. Anyhow, nutrition is one, but then when they do enter the hospital, they die of preventable problems unless they can pay to go to Guam….if the problem is caught in time to go to Guam. It’s not ideal. I was reminded of this last weekend when we got to meet with the US Ambassador here (YEAH, I loved it!!! Totally my cup of tea!!! It was awesome!!!), and then again as one of my students told me that her mom was in the hospital on a breathing tube…I really hope it works out well for her…
Another reality entered this past week was suicide. Luckily I haven’t directly known anyone here that has committed suicide, but I have known people who knew people. An example of this came up this week when one of my students asked me the difference between attempt and commit. I explained the terms in general thinking nothing of suicide, rather thinking he was asking me as an English teacher because he encountered the terms in reading or wanted to use them for writing. He proceeded to use suicide as an example to make sure he understood and then the conversation started that one of his relative committed suicide after various attempts. He identified the need for counseling services on the island which I agree with 100 percent explaining that if there was consoling then maybe his relative would have only attempted but not committed. Suicide here is at the top in the world…this is the second suicide I’ve heard of since I’ve been here and this area is small!!!
The other reality I was presented with was from one of my best students who said she was not doing her work because of family issues. I wish I could tell more about them, but I don’t feel like it’s something to blog about. It made me think a lot though about culture, strength of human beings, western culture meeting island culture, and how honored I felt to be trusted. Accompaniment has been really hard just watching students having problems and not being able to do anything about it other than listening. Social services in the US are not perfect, but thank God for them! At least SOMETHING can be done. Additionally, in this situation, if there is anything to be done, I don’t know about it because I’m not Chuukese and I could just cause more problems than helping if I would even try to do anything….so, I do my best and hope she knows I care and will listen.
So although this sounds horrible, and really, it is, I feel trusted and like the students have someone to go to even if I cannot solve anything. I can at least hold their hand along the journey and let them know someone cares. I guess situations like this show me what I’m doing here. Maybe I am doing a better job than I give myself credit for.
So, I wish I had more fun stories to tell you. I should work on an entertaining blog entry. Miss you all and love you all. Please feel free to update me with your life, your family, your boyfriends, breakups, funny stories, new stories, anything. I love getting e-mails!
Also, please keep my Great Aunt Jeanette in your prayers as she tries to battle for life in the hospital (update 4-4-10, she’s almost out of ICU and doing well!), and my future niece Taylor, sister-in-law, and brother as they await miracles!
Part Two: My Life with the Saints Reflection (more faith for those of you interested in that)
This is from my journal, so it is raw though and might be a little pompous…or so I feel like it is.
“Well, first, I feel like a faith failure as I already mentioned. I do not enjoy mass or all of these things that we have to do and tend to skip more because they’re boring. Then the whole fear of being ignorant or whatever, yet I still crave an understanding and relationship with God and Christ-a relationship that fits in with some idea of Christianity even if it’s radical and annoying to some traditionals. Anyhow, in my search I’ve picked up Mother Teresa (MT) books and My Life with the Saints. Nothing has been life changing thus far, although I do relate a lot to finding God in others as MT does and the God of service because that’s when I’ve felt closest to God-with others. There’s a question that goes with My Life with the Saints asking who was the first saint I met and I’d say it’s between MT and the Salvadoran saints, Grande, Romero, the UCA martyrs, and the Maryknoll martyrs. So, I’ll go with the first three.
MT-well, I’m still meeting her in reading so maybe I can’t say I’ve met her, but what I have met intrigues me. She left the convent and safety of it to go to the streets and be with the sick and dying. She said she saw God in each person she was with-and although I strive for that, I fall short 95% of the time. I will see God but I won’t see Him the entire time. For example, today, I was playing with two seven year old girls which was wonderful but then I got tired of them and got away. I wonder if MT did that? I’ve also heard about her long loneness and wondered about that. I want to read more. She never felt God but still had faith….? Could that be similar to me? I don’t feel God, yet I pray and desire to know God more fully….? IDK. Her work and her love , the manner she lived her life is what draws me to her. Her love for humanity and dignity for all along with her humility and desire not to be seen draws me to her. I wish I had more of that graceful humility, yet I want to do great things and make real changes (which she did through small acts of love). I want my life to be an example that a simple person can, really CAN do something big and real. That we can change things if we work for it. Of course I can change nothing alone, but I can do get something started that other can be a KEY part in, something I can start but not do alone. It’s like she said, “Some things I can do, you cannot. Some things you can do, I cannot, but together we can do something great” (or something like that). I may lack confidence in many ways, but I do believe in myself that I can make something change for the better. I CAN play my part in the world and not sit back hoping someone else will do it. Yes, MT, I lack your humility. You did great things loving individuals and because of my love of individuals, I want to do great things for them so others see their humanity. Yet, I want to learn from you on how to treat others when I work with them, or meet them. I question if the habit kept you safe though. How did you go to homeless people and never enter situations of violence? Maybe it’s wrong of me to feel that homeless on the streets are dangerous, yet I’m in their home, walking in their front door as I approach. Being a young white girl could I be unwelcomed in my desire to be human? I fear so and avoid meeting people I’d like to learn from and show respect to because of fear which she didn’t seem to have.
Moving on, Rutillio Grande I met through the movie Romero. I had heard of him being the reason Romero entered the lucha, or struggle for the poor in El Salvador’s civil war, but when I watched Romero I was captivated by Grande. He was killed before the war even started with an elderly man and young boy-who I am shamed for not knowing their names too-but he was a priest in the countryside. He heard his parishioner’s struggles and listened to them as they talked about Arena and the human rights violations, the struggles they had surviving and their needs. Essentially he listened and heard the people’s cries. As a priest, he had more power than the poor of Aguilleres (SP) and tried to do something, talking to clergy, bishops and working for them, standing up for them. He pressured Romero to do more, but Romero felt that was not the place of the Catholic Church. Grande saw early on that as Christians the place of the church is for the people and for the poor. Before others were willing to say anything, Grande spoke up. He lost his life for others and for God, speaking the truth as he saw it and his death shook his friend Oscar Romero into seeing what was really going on outside of the church walls. His fight for humanity and the God living in the poor is why he’s a saint to me. The fact that he stood before many others were willing to stand and listed to the people makes him a saint in my eyes. He stood to be killed while others turned a blind eye. He did what was unpopular before others would. Sometimes on a MUCH smaller scale, I feel that is what I’m doing. Standing up for humanity when others see numbers as more important than lives and quality of life. Whether it’s immigration, foreign affairs, poor in the city needing social services, or whatever it is, I think Grande would agree that the life of the people is more important than those who slip through the system and humans are of the utmost importance in the world above money, time and so on (but maybe I don’t know enough to say what he would think, it’s only my assumption). People are the God on earth and if we don’t care for them, we’re screwing ourselves, our morals and God himself. How can we be happy only serving ourselves? Mother Teresa serves others, MLK, Gandhi, Grande, Romero, many important people we look up to. Why don’t more people find the need to do the same if we look up to them? I mean, people are pissed about Health Care Reform. Sure I don’t know that it’s going to make the system better, but isn’t it worth a try if it could benefit more people? Yet there are people putting themselves before humanity. Their own needs before the common good of all. That’s not what common day saints do, nor what the church asks of us, is it? Yet we, including me, hear what we want in church, arguments, the world, and forget the rest if it would ask us to change at all.
Okay, enough of my pompous annoyances and back to saints. My final saint is Archbishop Oscar Romero from El Salvador. So to be honest, I sometimes see Grande as more of a saint than Romero because he started at the beginning from the people themselves and stood immediately, whereas Romero needed Grande’s murder to launch him into the truth of the war. That’s not to discredit what Romero did. I still regard Romero as a saint, solely feel that Grande gets forgotten because of his early death, campo congregation and role as a priest rather than an archbishop of a country, but Romero’s saintliness is seen in the people’s love for him. How can a man who inspires so much goodness in people and continuous struggle, or lucha, in the people not be a saint? He inspired them. That’s miracle enough-what he did in the hearts of the Salvadoran people…He stood, preaching the gospel about life, killing, morality, asking people to stop killing because of Jesus. He said powerful things and knew he would be killed, yet he knew the messages had to be heard in the poor, the war, and around the world and they were. His words were not said in vain. People hear his messages today and have passion, joy and energy for the church because they know that some parts of the church may not be on their side, or care about the needs of the poor, but Romero gave them the understanding and the hope that parts of the church really care for them and support them. There are people in the church who will stand up for others when they need it and even die for them. That message will live in people’s hearts and the justice and struggle Romero endured among his unpopular homilies will not leave the people. He’s yet another figure serving people, peace, and the well-being of humans. How many of us would stand up for others knowing full well we would be killed for it? I would say Romero was lucky to take a gunshot rather than torture like many other Salvadorans. While massacres, rapes, and torture continued, Romero spoke out.
DISCLAIMER!!! THIS IS A JOURNAL ENTRY AND VERY RAW. IN REAL LIFE I WOULD TRY TO BE MORE TACTFUL AND THIS VENTING DOESN’T TAKE A LOT INTO CONSIDERATION INCLUDING THE HARD WORK PRIESTS DO AND THE PEOPLE WHO ARE REALLY PUSHING. IF YOU READ THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH, YOU CANNOT HOLD IT AGAINST ME!
I wish his speaking during hostility would give other priests and church people the courage to speak where they won’t be killed, but solely create a little discomfort in their parishes. I once heard the argument that the church would loose members that way, but really, if they can’t speak for people, justice, and faith all together, then why (other than money which is a lame excuse) do we want them? (inserted while rereading this…maybe they need the church to serve them more than they can serve the church…I can see that…but I’m not going into it because this is long enough at the moment). Don’t we want people to hear honesty and learn virtues from Jesus’ life? Then why do we sugarcoat it so they can go on with their comfortable lives and not be challenged to change at all? I know I lack the faith in some ways so I get home that’s important in homilies, but if the Catholic Church is a faith through action, then how are we challenging our parishioners to ACT? How come I didn’t know what justice or humanity meant before college yet participated in church CYO and so on? Most churches in Southern IL want to make mass pleasant and comfortable but people aren’t looking at church outside of me and God. If they leave upset it has to do with their failure of relationships with God rather than all of the people….ok I know, kindness towards neighbors are talked about but c’mon. We can enforce that better through action. Tell me people are really changing the way they act towards others when they leave mass. Oh, wait, it’s charity. Don’t get me wrong, charity helps and is needed but unless charity turns into justice it’s doing more harm than good. Ok, maybe not always, but it has the potential. And charity is non-committal. It asks for money or things, not time and energy. Nor does it ask for something harder to give, your heart. Ok enough. I’m getting self-righteous.
Part Three: Faith and stuff from an e-mail to JVI
So today…the power has been out until about 40 mins ago (4am-4pm off) so I’ve been doing a lot of reading and writing, and a great deal of thinking which in my opinion has been fruitful. I was reading my life with the saints again….about St. Ignatius and a little in Arrupe. Jeesh, it’s been intense today. Anyhow, sometimes I think I think about faith too much rather than just believe but I don’t know how to get the thinking out of the way. I also started to wonder if I’m closed to seeing God even though I want to. I regularly ask myself if I’m closed to seeing God in the poor here. My heart broke a little and I was really hard on myself the other day because I struggled with the call of the bible to feed the hungry and the things I’ve been taught through justice and the call of JVI not to be the American’s that people expect to give things…or that American imagine of charity…however to say it. A man was truly trying to sell seashells, but he targets Americans, because frankly, we buy them because they’re huge and cheaper from individuals than hotels, but I didn’t want to buy the shells this particular day, I wanted other ones he had at home…he begged saying he was hungry and really needed the money that day yet I refused trying my hardest to explain why, but he continued. I figured instead of giving him money I would buy him some food, but when I came down to it I screwed up and forgot. I was going to get him a big mango, but at the store they were much more than I thought, and I had some for dinner, and had to put them back. I forgot to buy his with my stipend, and walked past him avoiding him knowing if I stopped he would try to sell the shells again. I felt like I failed the teaching of the bible and the humanity of the man. As it turned out, he was very serious, and asked Tyler to hold his bag for the night because he had no place to sleep and didn’t want to have to worry about someone stealing his bag, and Tyler gave him some bread. I felt horrible…and Caroline reminded me that I was beating myself up, which might be true, but I can’t help but feel guilty. I struggled, and currently struggle so much with charity, justice, and American image. It’s the same walking down the street here. I walk down the street to have men look at me like a piece of meat. I’m not sure how different this is from the Latin America, but I still struggle with it. I so badly want to be friendly and kind to these men, thinking maybe they truly are trying to be kind and welcoming, and about 95% of the time I am reminded how wrong I was and they ask for my phone number, swipe their hand over my butt, or follow me. Yesterday I was walking to Assa looking for an internet card around 5, and on the way I ran into two drunk guys. I walked around them as the guy in front of my stopped to talk to them. I read this situation as this man trying to distract them so they didn’t bother me, and ended up saying hello to this guy, who then joined me and asked if I was married and had a phone number telling me how beautiful I am. This man was probably 55!!!! I walked away frustrated at what I thought was kindness, was complete grossness. Yet I still beat myself up for being a cold hearted bitch to men here and ignoring them as they try to get my attention. I guess it’s just part of Chuuk.
Anyhow these situations I feel make it hard for me to do as Arrupe experienced with the poor in Latin America on pages 107-108 in My life with the Saints. I have a shield up to protect myself from above situations that I don’t let myself see the beauty of God in some of the people here…and sometimes I just think I have that shield up to have it up…maybe because of my time in El Salvador and my fear of breaking in that way again…but I remember talking to Kristin Leonetti at Discernment weekend and explaining how I really hoped to find the balance between the too vulnerable me in El Salvador and the closed, protected me there was in Nicaragua. I don’t know if I’ve found that. I fear there is still the protected me from Nica…the one that doesn’t let things in for fear of breaking too much, and setting myself up for disappointment of what I read as a loving action, which is not. I read that part that Arrupe talked about and questioned why I don’t see god in the way here. Yet maybe I do sometimes with my students.
Still about faith, but changing a little, recently I had a conversation with a seminarian here who warned me not to miss out on God’s love and told me about the difference of knowledge seeking faith, and faith seeking knowledge. I kinda think I’m at the point that I’m knowledge seeking faith, and I need the faith first. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. Additionally, Sr. Jane, a Filipino sister here told me that faith is simple, it’s not to be thought about…but I think about EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING! I asked her if she ever felt like she lost sight of God and she said no…That truly confused me. So today I was journaling my little heart out, because it’s what I’ve begun to do to process life as I used to do in conversation. This will be long, but I hope it helps explain where I’m at, as I want to share it with someone right now, and thought maybe you would have thoughts. So, this is from my journal more about where I’m at in faith or thinking today:
I think the way I try to live my life for the best and right reasons pleases God. I think my desire to know God pleases God, and plenty I do does not please God. I questions sometimes if I’m faithful enough to live my life for God. Am I living my life for God? For me? I always say for others and God is within the others, they are god, but do I relate the two enough to say it’s for God? …………..Anyhow really though, who am I living my life for? I wanta say God but I don’t do that intentionally I don’t think. It’s comforting to me to know that I believe in God. The existence of something larger than myself isn’t hard. Looking around the world, I know God exists. I know I’m living in a universe larger than myself and power and passion of human beings comes from outside of ourselves. The beauty in the world, sunsets, oceans, trees, flowers, joy, laughter-God is around and loves us. The opportunity to be happy, love and be at peace is from God. A good God who wants us to enjoy life and have love in our hears. I also believe fully that I’m doing ok in the God dept. because of the part that says faith, hope and love, but love is the greatest. I feel like I’m doing well in understanding love. I’m not perfect at loving others but I do my darnedest and believe that people really need love. Love fills my hear and sometimes love makes my heart hurt and me cry. I think of people I really love, and I get overwhelmed by their beauty and goodness and I cry-esp. when I feel their pain and see their goodness at the same time. Some might say loving too much is bad, and might say that’s what I do at times, but I think I’m ok with that. I love to love and feel real when I love others. It’s one of my stronger qualities I think-although I fall short plenty. Ok, I almost listed how I fail at loving, but in my attempt to be more positive, I love well and no one is perfect. Sure, I fail sometimes, but I still do it well.
I also think I have faith and hope. I have hope for my students, the world, people and myself. I also have hope in situations. I’ve been told I’m idealistic and need to work on being realistic. Well, sure, maybe, but if I don’t loose sight of what is and isn’t possible then I don’t think I’m TOO idealistic, just idealistic. I’ll take that. I like to hope for a better world and the possibility of people working together for that change. I like to see something and strive for it to be great. Maybe I get let down, but at least I went in with hope and a dream. I’d say that’s better than giving up before the start. So hope. I guess I have that. And Faith…I feel like in our world faith is the most important. The Bible says love, but the church seems to emphasize faith more than hope and love. Does that mean I’m missing something-very possibly, or are they forgetting something? Maybe, or maybe both. I already said this, but I have faith in God. I don’t have the closeness to God I wish for or the intimate feelings of God being right next to me even though I can ID God in the interactions through the day, but God in my hear, I don’t ID much. I long for that and love for Jesus. I think I really relate to Jesus’ life-but FAITH…”Christian Faith,” I’m unsure. And I feel stupid, guilty, blind, and as if I’m denying Jesus as I search to know Him. I don’t wanta be one of those people who asks for a sign or to see Jesus. I block myself from giving up I think. Not giving up on Jesus, but giving up the ability to know for sure I’m right, surrendering myself…I try but I don’t think it comes fully from my heart. The desire might, but the full surrender and powerlessness does not. I wonder if Jesus looks down at me shaking his head saying, “you sill girl. Just give up and be with me. Just give up needing to know and have faith. Just let it be-let my existence and my love enter you.” And I agree, but HOW? How do I do that? Is it jut saying yes I believe over and over when asked? Not always being honest with uncertainty but not denying-then I’ll start to believe myself? How do I get to know Jesus and not question his divinity? How do I stop questioning other religions truth? Do I say all religions are right, but they lack Jesus and maybe that’s ok if they can believe in God’s love fully without Jesus? I think that’s fair, but Ty says be careful without knowing Jesus. Don’t speak of what’s ok without knowing things Jesus says…but will the Bible change my mind to think the Christianity is the most right? To think that others are missing something in their faith? I don’t think I could ever judge that. First, although I do judge-and hard-as every human does, it’s not my place to say, not do I think I could ever honestly think that-but who knows what the future holds.…..
So there it is…sorry it’s so long. I’m sure you’re busy, but I just wanted to share a little about where I’m at today, what JVI is doing with me at this present moment, and confusions. I so desire for Jesus, and a Christian faith, yet don’t know how to get there. That’s the biggest thing. Maybe I could have just said that rather than typing so much journaling, but, whatever. I really think today has been good for me though.
Peace,
Jessica
PPS. it’s raining and that makes life a little more peaceful at the moment.
Part Four: Further concluding update
I’m starting to do really well here I think. It’s taken some time and of course I’m still struggling and missing things at home like friends, family, yogurt, cheese, veggies, movie theaters, and so on, but I’m getting happier and happier here as I see my uses here. Even though some students probably think I’m horrible, I can see in others true relationships and reasons for being here. Today my silent retreat has been wonderful. I’ve been thinking a lot, and obviously it gets lonely, but it was much needed. I went off island again Thursday to Ut, and I loved it. I got to see WWII cannons, another island with simplicity, and go swimming. It was wonderful. I was also able to contact home and talk to my mom and Kati which was refreshing. I know I’m growing here although at times I’m not sure how. As I told dad, it’s challenging figuring out who I am and trying to use my gifts, talents, passions, and serve the greatest need. I’m trying to figure out what that is, and figure out where my faith lays. I still find power outages annoying and love AC. I find music life giving and beautiful and realize that I have little to really complain about. Sure I’m in another country with less material things, but that doesn’t control my happiness. I’m lucky to have a great community and great people at home to support me. Although we live paycheck to paycheck, I do not have to worry about things being provided for me. I’m very lucky. I know I’m doing my best to live my life to the best of my ability and to be as true to myself while being as kind and loving as I possibly can, and that’s something that I can be proud of. I’m not perfect, and in fact far from it, but I am me, and I’m learning more and more to be ok with that. I don’t always like being different than most people at home, in fact I find that very hard to have to defend my beliefs all the time, and I wish I could be more like everyone at home, my family, and people I grew up with, but I never will be again. I sometimes hate being the crazy liberal person from rural IL, but that’s me. I cannot change what made me this way, and in some ways, I love it. I wish I could be more understanding and more understood, but I’m just going to go on loving as best I can. This is me, and I’m growing. I’m trying to be a better person, more humble, and relatable, but as we all do, I fail sometimes. It’s a beautiful life though. And I’m going to end here. If you made it this far, you should comment so I can tell you how amazed I am-and maybe that you have too much time on your hands!!! I miss you all and can’t wait to hug you and be physically present with you!
Peace, Love, and Coconuts,
Jessica
