another theo reflection

quick update before that, Jacki and Josh are engaged and i am super excited for them. They are going to make some of the best married people in the world. congratulate them for me some more because i´m kinda far away. my spanish is still getting better and i still love babies. i am feeling kinda sick still, but getting better. i decided to come to the computer lab that i am at right now because i am sick and tired of the deadly heat...haha. and a tiny bit homesick, but i will get over it. don´t worry. i´ve been here a month, and have about another month before i get home. Then i want to go boating and sleep in air conditioning and have my dog bite me on the nose after she gives me a kiss...jump down and run in circles and finally calm down and let me snuggle with her. oh, but here...i still have lots of mothers taking care of me. thats what women here do, they mother and take care of people and they are realy good at it. so mom and grandma and whoever else, dont worry, i have people mothering me and making sure i´m doing alright. love you all!
Jessica*

Reflection
I find this question the hardest of all to write about. Poverty is a hard subject, as is my understanding of God. At first the poverty here did not seem to bother me. It was just part of being in Central America again and I even looked around the city and did not see as densely packed hillsides with casas de carton. We got to our houses and they dont really seem like extreme poverty either, they are uncomfortable sometimes with the heat, and they are not over flowing with money and resources, but compared to other houses i had seen, we´re living the high life in Nica. Then it hit me, as i spent some time in Acaualinca I noticed the extreme poverty and lack of dignity that some those people live through every day. Working in in garbage dump is no way to go about life. living in a house made of rusted pieces of sheet metal probably found in the garbage is no way to live. This just isn't fair that their resources come from the garbage and mine come from my parents and my privileged life.
The day since leaving the dump, and to this day i cannot get the images out of my head. I cant get the image of walking into pictures that i have seen out of my head either as i walk through Acaualinca and the surrounding area. It makes me sick to think of people living like that while. Then i think of being homesick, and how i really just want my room and my mom, and i realize that the confort of my house is sick compared to the houses i have seen here. It is a huge struggle for me to feel thankful and not guilty, or to juggle the questions of what is ok and what is not. what are we supposed to do, and what is stepping on cultural lines. There are no clear answers and there never will be, so it just becomes a frustrating circle of never ending larger analytical questions that i have had since el salvador.
Then throwing God into the mix...I haven't had the time to take with God as I would like to. I pushed God out of the picture until i need something again, or until i have to think about God with these reflections. It seems easier not to think about God than to try to work on that relationship and get more frustrated. AND THEN, to put God into poverty. shit. People here always say Gracias a Dios, and really seem to mean it. Doña Nieves tells about all the miracles of her life, and how much God has done for her life. She has incredible faith which sometimes intimidates me from saying anything about my confusion because i do not want a lecture on faith, which i dont think she would lecture me, but i dont want to put the possibility out there. Anyhow, sometimes i do see God in the poor. I see the struggling, human Jesus. I see people connecting with that God at least. I see the joy they get from knowing God was were they were one time and that the human God was here to understand them, and love them. I see God in what we learned about the Bible and what the bible says about the poor, economics, and structure. I dont know if i actually see God there, but i see the possible relationships maybe. I see how people could have an attachment with Jesus here. I see the beauty in the love the poor give too. My host mom says she doesnt have money to give, but she has all the love in the world to share and she can do that. I love that. It is so true too. she has been taking care of me as i´ve been sick, and doing it without complaint. She laughs all the time and is willing to talk to anyone forever. haha. she loves to talk and be with people. I think that is why i love to be with her. she is so willing to share her life with me. I have not shared a lot of my life with her though. i am sharing this experience with her and the struggles and questions i have here, but i havent told her anything about my past, or my relationships at home.
Overall though, Sometimes i think God betrayed the poor, other times i am hopeful that God is walking with them in their struggles and their time with God is that much richer because of their journeys together and similar struggle. Depending on what mood you get me in depends on what I think of God and the poor that day. I guess we´ll know what the reason for this poverty is when we get to heaven, but right now, i think we are all the reason. God is within each and every one of us, so it is not the God in heaven that has betrayed the poor, it is the God in each and every one of us that hasnt done our part to help them and be with them. that God within us is the one turning our backs on the poor. The poor will always be with us if we always turn our backs on them and to the God within us that calls us to do greater things to help them.