Learning Curve

I'm loving NY right now. I miss people from home and STL a ton, but have found that I'm learning so much, and big things are really happening here. I want to be part of that. I keep having to remind myself to sit still and learn before i try to do! I just want to jump in. I have been getting energy from riding the subway. I'm learning it, and when i get on a packed subway, I feel part of something so much bigger than myself, and part of a world that is flying by! For some that seems nuts, but for me, I'm ready to tackle it head first. I want to make some changes and be part of something great. I want to push for positive changes in the world, but first I have to learn how. So, I got an internship! That's super exciting. I'll be helping with systematic change around domestic violence through policy analysis, talking to policymakers, and courts, education and so on, but most importantly, working with people who have been directly affected by the policies and helping them to make the changes they want to see. SUPER EXCITING. I've been dreaming a lot though. Today we went to the UN and took a tour, and then got to talk to someone working in one of the UN offices. I loved it. It's an international government trying to work together to make global changes....end poverty, bring education, gender rights,....so many cool things. There are plenty of criticism of the UN, but i look at it in the same light as child services; it's easier to point out the flaws than what great work is being done. Anyway, it just reminded me that these are the kind of issues I want to be working on some day...global issues and policy that will affect global change and promote human rights. My passion is coming back! I'm in the right place. Speaking of being in the right place, I'm loving my policy course, and even the loads of reading i have (which i should be doing now about the US budget). Last night I did reading on US Healthcare. That was awesome to start to understand. Did you know that the health care reform is actually helping the US budget by a lot once it starts?!?! It provides care for more people, and tons of improvements, plus helps the US budget. YEAH! And, if i understand it right, for all you made about the abortion part of it, the funding of abortion is only for rape, incest, and women who could have life threatening complications due to pregnancy. I think that's what I understood. Anyway, point of the story, i'm super interested in what I'm learning and excited to learn more so I can start putting this into action. I feel like i'm learning so much that will be incredibly useful soon. I was nervous as i came back to school that I wasnt ready to be back in the social work world, but as i'm entering into the policy part, i'm thrilled and feel a drive to really make some systematic changes. Can't wait. I keep wondering what kind of work i'll be doing in five years! So much energy and excitement!. Hopefully this continues as the year goes on and i get swamped with work! Miss y'all at home! Love, Trouty

The City That Never Sleeps (OMG It's True!!!)

Another journey. As my cousin Jamie said, "you never know where on earth Jessica is going to be." This year, I'm in New York City and have officially started classes at Columbia University. Can you say "intimidating?" So, I moved here to get my MSW in Policy Practice and International Social Welfare. Do I want to be a policy analyst? Nope. So why, you may ask are you doing the Policy track? Well, I want to be able to speak the language that policy makers speak and to be able to analyze the policy, but use that skill set to work with the people and change those policies. I have too much fight in me to sit behind the desk. I have to be on the front lines but want to make sense while I'm there. Needless to say, I've pretty much realized this is going to be the hardest year of my academic career. I have to take Econ, and do a lot with numbers and stats, and so on. YIKES! That side of my brain has never really been my friend. I'm gonna get in a lot of fights with it this year, and i'm determined to win! You're probably bored with what I'm here to do, so what have i been doing? I flew with my mom to NYC just over two weeks ago. We moved me in, and then took a sightseeing bus around the city. We got to see Uptown and Downtown Manhattan (I live in uptown) and also some of Brooklyn. We went to the Statue of Liberty and the 9/11 Memorial which was really powerful. After my mom left, I was on my own for a week. I explored my neighborhood and found a jazz concert in the park. I also went out one night with a Former Jesuit Volunteer who I contacted on the JV listserv. We talked for like 6 hours! As I was about to go crazy, one of my roommates, Jill, moved in. Thank God. I needed some personal interaction. So I spent some time with her and her family. Then Monday morning came. We got up to get ready for orientation as our other roommate, Mandi, moved in. We all went to orientation and I was presently surprised how down to earth all of our staff and faculty were that talked to us. I imagined since it was CU, that it might not be so pleasant, but they all seemed wonderful. I also got to meet the 53 other Advanced Standing students in the program. SWEET! Tuesday classes started. Our Practice class is somewhat hard. Well, it's not really hard, it's just a lot of reading because it's condensed. I've been pleased with how confident I have been that I understand the material and am keeping up. I've also been pretty relaxed that I will do as much of the reading as I can, and let what I honestly can't finish just be. Yay for keeping sanity thus far! The other class is a Field Seminar and it's pretty simple.; only a little reading, and mostly talking and comparing experiences. It's more of a fun class. The classes I'm worried about are coming in September! haha. So now that my first week of classes is over, I'm trying to catch up on some of the reading, but also see some of the city. Today I went to the gym for the first time here too. HOLLY HELL! It's big, and lots of strong men. Again, intimidating. Anyway, as I was cooling down and walking the track, I saw banners for all the Ivy League Universities hanging. I thought, "Holy Crap, I'm part of that! How did that happen. Yup, this year is gonna be hard! Enjoy is while you can!" Finally, last night we went out to a couple of bars around my neighborhood, and tonight we're going to Greenwich Village to see some of those bars. Sorry, this one's prob pretty boring. Just step by step update of life. Oh, one last thing, I've pretty proud of myself and my knowledge of transition. I think although I'm lonely and missing a ton of people from home, I've been pretty rational in putting my transition loneliness and irrationability into check. New York does seem like such a different culture tho. I really hope I don't lose my Midwest friendliness. Everyone says I will just in defense of the crazies. I guess y'all will have to put me in check when I come home if i'm a rude New Yorker. Love y'all and miss y'all! Jessica

Epilog

I took a nap earlier in the day yesterday and didn't see my fiend. I thought I would never see him again, Lo and behold, I was mistaken. Last night, I reached down to the side of my bed to get a book, and this time I did yelp as he ran away from my hand. The battle began.

"Oh you BEEP!!" as I grab my friend Black Cat Pesticide from Japan! "Don't you dare go under my bed again you little BLEEP! Meghan!!! Help!!!"

Meghan comes running in as I spray the monster over and over away from under my bed. She laughs but agrees that my description of the size is accurate.

I jump around screaming at spider nearly the size of the tarantula in Home Alone until I grab a shoe. Thank God my best friend Black Cat stunned the bugger and I smack a shoe on top of it. Then I run out of my room dancing from disgust! But, I won the battle and slept peacefully! Spiders, stay away. I loathe thee!!!

Simple Living Island Style

10 pm, the power goes out (again). The fans go off. It’s currently 93 degrees in our third floor apartment. I wake up at 1am in a pool of sweat, lie a sheet on the tile floor and throw my pillows onto the floor. Then I see it! A spider 2/3 the size of my fist. I scream in my head, grab a shoe and throw it at the horrifying monster. The monster runs under my bed (yes, last night there was a real monster under my bed). I can’t get to the monster so I wonder what to do. Now mind you, I am a self declared princess. I do not like bugs. They are fine from a distance, but when cockroaches crawl over my face or fly at me in the shower, I tend to scream; having a gigantic spider in my room is no small thing. So, I ran into this dilemma, where do I sleep? If I sleep on the bed, the monster could climb up and get me. If I sleep on the floor it could waltz its way to me. I choose the floor. It’s further away, and frankly, cooler (and harder).

Next, I shine the flashlight under my bed. I don’t see the spider but I do see plenty termite dust that has come from the termites living in my bed frame, and try to roll over. Mind you, living in Chuuk for two years might have made me a little crazy, so while I’m trying to forget the monster and fall asleep, I jump and slap my ear, because I think I made the spider mad at it came out to attack me (spiders are vengeful little ogres in my imagination and craze). Luckily, the spider did not eat me. I lived until the morning, but I think I still have a monster under my bed and I’m not sure what to do about it.

That’s just a sample of simple living in Chuuk. Bucket flushing, wind up flashlights, showering outside in skirts when we have no water, and flushing our dish water are other examples. So, as much as I value living in Chuuk, this little princess can’t wait for an air conditioned room and a bed with no bugs come June! Maybe when I get home I’ll stop being crazy…or be more crazy. Crap!

A Day in the Life of Me...

“OHHHH, what a joy!” When most people think of two years of service in another country, they romanticize how wonderful the experience will be. People think of relationships, the reward of giving, and having your heart broken and sewn back together by the poverty. Well, day to day, it’s hard to see the wonder of service, so I’m going to take you into what I see day to day living in Chuuk, FSM.
Friday was quite a day and showed perfectly many of the frustrations I encounter regularly. I was giving 4 midterm tests to my 9th and 10th grade Lit classes. The first class started wonderfully. It’s the class that I look around and do see great relationships and enjoy. Then came the freshmen. Having 38 freshmen in a class is not ok and bad for student learning and teacher sanity. Outside of general yelling for 5 minutes to get the class seated, and then 5 more to get them quiet, all went ok. There was of course talking during the test, but for the freshmen, the period went smoothly.
After second period was my free period. Commonly, during my free period or walking past classes, I see them unattended. Friday was not unusual, but after my free period was when it got good. I went to the other freshmen classroom. 9M has been by far my biggest challenge in teaching. Well, I walked into 9M, the bell rang and I start speaking loudly to be heard over the racket of the class saying “please find your seats.” Obviously no one heard me, so I yelled, but not angrily. I did that for about 10 minutes finally getting mad. In the time of trying to get students seated, I witnessed one student literally get out of her seat and walk over to another student and stand in the back of the classroom having a conversation. I noticed other boys walk outside to a group of my students who are standing outside of the doorway just chilling while I tried to regain some kind of control. Finally, some students started to sit, only because their friends, who are good students, started to encourage them. The boys outside noticed the class was all sitting and decide maybe they’d come in.
These boys start a whole different story. When they decide to come in, I tell them to go get tardy passes because they were not in the classroom. Well, two of them push me out of the way to run to their seats instead of getting passes and the other three try to sneak in the other door. I stand firm and pull the two boys who pushed me out of their way out the door. They push me out of their way again and I just yell their name to get a pass and also say the names of the three other boys I saw sneak in. After 5 more minutes, the boys go to get their passes. Two students come back. One has a pass, the other stands smiling at me and laughing while I tell him to get his pass annoyed. Then, the three others come. One goes straight to his seat while the other two are chasing one another. They run past the first door, into the second door and straight down the aisle. The one in front runs behind me and pushes me forward to sacrifice me to the other student who stops running when he gets to the middle of the aisle and hands me the pass telling me the story. Agh! I yell at them to sit down and stop acting like 5 year olds. Finally they sit. The second boy is still standing by me because he came back with the other group as if his name was on their pass. It wasn’t. Then he pulls three passes out of his pocket and hands them to me. Two were for my class and the other was blank. ANNOYING!
Anyhow, I just need to stop fighting the students and get class going, so I didn’t do anything, plus, this is so regular it doesn’t even faze me anymore. At least they’re not saying F-you to me, I hate you, or fighting each other (today). So after about 20 mins, everyone is seated. I tell them to clear their desks and be quiet. I stand at the front of the first row to hand out tests but wait for them to be quiet. As soon as I start to think I can pass the tests out, 2 groups start talking. 10 more minutes. Finally I pass the tests out with about 20-25 mins left for them to take the tests.
They now have the tests. One would think it would be time for me to take a deep breath and just watch them go. Ha! Not in Chuuk and not when you’re a young, white, female teacher. Those three factors play against me in so many ways! Anyhow, questions start flying. Each time I answer one question, I hear students talking. Literally, every time I talk to one student, others start talking. I threaten to stop answering questions and that works for a while. After that threat I inform the students they have 5 more minutes until the bell and lunch. I said “hurry, so you can go monga(eat) meat.” Well, the class busts up thinking I said monga me….yes class, please don’t eat me! again, I want to scream my head off at their lack of respect and maturity, but know that I will regret what I say if I do. Thank God, before I can fulfill my promise to stop answering questions or go crazier, the bell rings and I get the heck outa that class. (I teach them 4/5 days a week!!!)
It’s lunch! Woosh! Thank God Almighty I have time to breath in our JV appt. We all sit down to eat, and a student walks straight into our house without knocking. He’s bleeding and needs a band aid, so he came to the “nurses office.” We have not been designated that, but if a student has a headache or injury, they send them to us. So much for quiet lunch. Good thing that didn’t take too long.
The bell rings again. Back to class. Class number 4/5, sophomores. Similar situation, but toned down and a smaller class, so control happens faster. Students still say inappropriate comments and take a while to sit, but life is not so frustrating. Then I go to my last period class, and brainstorm with English Composition Class how to make freshmen better. The bell rings and I pass my naughty homeroom. I know they’re naughty, but sometime during the day I passed them with the principal. The students were seated on the floor in front of the principal with their desks pushed back. This is a common punishment, so I was confused. I asked one of the students why they were on the floor and she said “principal said that when we don’t have teachers we’re bad so we had to sit on the floor for punishment and write apology letters.” WHAT?!?! No. So, when the students aren’t frustrating, the system of the school just plain pisses me off. At the staff meeting we discussed how it’s not fair to punish students for their teachers not being at class, and that it’s not ok that the school lets classes regularly sit alone. Well, it turned into their fault. AHHHHH!!! Yes, let’s blame the students for our incompetence instead of writing the apology letter ourselves. Thank you for the ease of blaming students….BAH!.
Day ends, I run away to do laundry so I don’t have to deal with the SCA systems or students who want to push me around and make demands of me. Then, I come home and fall asleep from a week similar to this one day, wake up and grade all weekend to turn in fourth quarter grades where most of my students will fail because they don’t see the value in education.
In conclusion, that’s what my life normally looks like; misbehaving students, not being listened to by students or faculty, and then working more on the weekend. Therefore, serving in another country isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be. So, as the end nears, I do notice wonder in Chuuk, relationships with students, friends, community and host family, God, weather and many other things, but sometimes it’s nice to just run away and fall into a bed and forget the day and all the frustrations.
Note: it sounds like I need classroom management and discipline….i promise I try. I give detentions, call students to my office, call parents, send students to the office (and then they come back to class), take points off their grades, make them do extra work, etc….it’s not effective….

2 posts: Mortlocks and A Good Day

Dear Family and Friends,

I know, it’s about time I update my blog. I’ve had trouble knowing what to write on here for a while because life became a struggle for a while and I didn’t want to publicly talk about the frustrations I’ve encountered here. While those still exist, I had a really wonderful and exciting weekend to share. (and currently, my biggest frustration is a kitten named Monkey that has been living with us and has been climbing up my leg since I sat down. Monkey NEEDS a new home! I am not a cat person!)

So onto my great weekend, last Wednesday I boarded the ship, Chief Mialo and set out for a 15 hour boat ride to the outer islands of Chuuk, the Mortlocks. I had been wanting to go to the Mortlocks for over a year now, so, FINALLY! I went out to the Morlocks because there was a 100 year Celebration of the Catholic Church in Chuuk. SCA’s principal set me, Sister Ina, and Seminarian Robert up with the diocese to go out for the celebration. So, me and Sr. Ina became great buddies and spent tons of time together.

We got on the ship for 15 hours and sat under an open stair well. Bad decision but there was no place else to go. So, it rained all night, and water flooded down the stairwell soaking the floor all around us, so the whole night instead of laying on the floor sleeping, we sat on buckets in corners trying to avoid rain. Thank Goodness we didn’t get sea sick!

Once we got to the Mortlock Lagoon we were told to get off with the Bishop at Moch. Getting off with the Bishop was a little of a surprise, but YES! I get to go to Moch. This is the island where most of my Mortlockese students are from and the island 2 of my volunteer friends, Steph and Alex are living on. So, after quite a cluster we get off and get to Moch. We go to a welcome prayer, and after the prayer Steph and Alex find me and welcome me! There were a lot of other things going on like flag raising AND FALLING, but less important. Later Sr. Ina, Steph and I were invited to dine with the bishop...first time i ever talked to him...i didn’t know what to say. Afterwards we set out to go to another island, Kuttu. So, I got to see another island and I knew of some people who had lived or live on that island so it was great! Sadly, I witnessed how the water is rising over the islands sea wall and flooding the island. Global warming and environmental issues do matter! Then i went back to Moch and had some time to hang with Steph and Alex and see Moch.

Friday we spend the day again on the ship picking up people from different islands to head out to the celebration at Lechinoch (sp?) Two more of the Peace Corps from the Mortlocks got on the boat and we caught up a little. After being on the ship from 10-6pm we got to Lechinoch and settled. The next day started the celebration with Mass said by the Bishop and singing competitions which went on all day and into the late night. Along with singing there were many speeches. The singing is a cultural highlight. Firstly, Chuukese people have beautiful voices. Second, they make is so much fun. They will sit and do hand motions they made up and their leaders and people from the crowd will get up and dance. Then people throw candy into the group singing and walk around spraying them with perfume. It’s very different from home, but so enjoyable. (I want to throw Monkey out on the streets!)

The next day there was another mass and then a meeting of all the parishes. I skipped this hard core and hung out with Peace Corps and Steph. Then we got back on the ship around 4ish, dropped people from Moch off, and took a 20 hour ride back to Weno. I got here around 10:30, and taught three periods of classes. Then i passed out! The ride back was better than the one there though.

Other things left out:
*i ate total of three times with the Bishop.
*We were with the Bishops secretary all weekend and she was helping us know what and were to go.
*The islands out there are much cleaner and more peaceful that in the lagoon.
*The president came, but the bishop seemed more important, but President Mori seemed to have made a good speech about children instead of campaigning which i respect.
*Last years VP Marz was there with Pres.
*It was an all around great trip. I wouldn’t want to take the boat ride again, but i am glad I had the chance to do it once.
*I think that’s it!

Blog # 2 of good things:

The Thursday of getting back to Weno was a great day. Sometimes with frustrations here, I forget to enjoy myself and notice good days, but Thursday was good. I only had three classes which probably helped a lot. The school day was more less normal, but i had an after school Lit class with two juniors. They were supposed to finish the book Of Mice and Men and we talked about the book and what they were to do for next week. Then, I asked them questions on the book and they did great. I think they really read the book. Any lit teacher knows getting students to read a book is a challenge. Most somehow trick you that they read, but i think these boys read most of it at least and got the questions right. They also seemed into the conversation we were having about the book and one said he really liked it. At the end of class, one of the two boys asked if he could end in prayer. Now, I don’t let students pray at the beginning and end of my normal classes because i see it as a tactic to make class shorter, but they choose to stay one min. extra after school to pray and it’s just the three of us and i love it!

After class I walked to the new college to look for a teacher and on the way out, was snagged by a student to sit as a coach at a volleyball game. I asked where the coach was and they didn’t know. The other team was already there and i wasn’t surprised that a coach just left the students out to dry and skipped something they were supposed to be at. This happens all the time. teachers don’t go to class, don’t follow through on their obligations, and the students get screwed. Knowing how often this happens i didn’t think twice in sitting in on the game with no questions asked. Game starts and i sit watching the boys coach themselves. I get really proud of them. Normally I get more frustrated with the male students but most of the boys on the team were some of the good students, or at least students i enjoyed in some form. I actually felt loving watching them which sometimes my anger and frustration blocks that love.

Well, the game got cancelled...i looked like a fool. Apparently there was no game scheduled and the coach STILL hasnt picked the official SCA team. I don’t know why there is no team, but i know i looked like a fool, and don’t really care. I prob. would have done the same thing again because the team should have been organized by the school, and the students were doing something that kept them out of trouble and they enjoyed. I don’t know who is at fault, and I am not investigating because there is fault in sooooo many place I think it would take away from the joy i felt just being with the students.

When the game ended I started to walk out to buy dinner and was easily roped into a conversation with one of the local priests who I talked to a little on the way to Moch. I have a lot of questions about the role of the Cathlic Church here, but this priest is WONDERFUL and really doing his best to live out the gospel and help Chuuk. We had a 1.5 hour conversation about so much from education to faith to social issues here. It was wonderful to talk to him and feel like i could be honest with what i witnessed and how in some unjust situations my hands seem tied. He has the same problem. I won’t go in depth about what we talked about, because that would be publicly detailing the frustrations in Chuuk and could have repercussions, but the conversation was really life giving and gave me some hope. I grew a lot in respect for him, but was forced to say a prayer for him and others like him who are working with so many road blocks. one step forward, two kicks back….

So at the end of the day, despite having a drunk guy try to kiss my hand on the way to the store, I realized that this day was something I really needed. I needed a pick me up, and these personal interactions did just that. I actually feel like Thursday has given me some energy for more than a day. Yeah!

That’s the end. I hadn’t written in a long time, so I wrote a long one that I doubt you really wanted so long. You know me, I’ve always been wordy!

Peace, Love, and God Bless,

Jessica

2 posts: Mortlocks and A Good Day

Dear Family and Friends,

I know, it’s about time I update my blog. I’ve had trouble knowing what to write on here for a while because life became a struggle for a while and I didn’t want to publicly talk about the frustrations I’ve encountered here. While those still exist, I had a really wonderful and exciting weekend to share. (and currently, my biggest frustration is a kitten named Monkey that has been living with us and has been climbing up my leg since I sat down. Monkey NEEDS a new home! I am not a cat person!)

So onto my great weekend, last Wednesday I boarded the ship, Chief Mialo and set out for a 15 hour boat ride to the outer islands of Chuuk, the Mortlocks. I had been wanting to go to the Mortlocks for over a year now, so, FINALLY! I went out to the Morlocks because there was a 100 year Celebration of the Catholic Church in Chuuk. SCA’s principal set me, Sister Ina, and Seminarian Robert up with the diocese to go out for the celebration. So, me and Sr. Ina became great buddies and spent tons of time together.

We got on the ship for 15 hours and sat under an open stair well. Bad decision but there was no place else to go. So, it rained all night, and water flooded down the stairwell soaking the floor all around us, so the whole night instead of laying on the floor sleeping, we sat on buckets in corners trying to avoid rain. Thank Goodness we didn’t get sea sick!

Once we got to the Mortlock Lagoon we were told to get off with the Bishop at Moch. Getting off with the Bishop was a little of a surprise, but YES! I get to go to Moch. This is the island where most of my Mortlockese students are from and the island 2 of my volunteer friends, Steph and Alex are living on. So, after quite a cluster we get off and get to Moch. We go to a welcome prayer, and after the prayer Steph and Alex find me and welcome me! There were a lot of other things going on like flag raising AND FALLING, but less important. Later Sr. Ina, Steph and I were invited to dine with the bishop...first time i ever talked to him...i didn’t know what to say. Afterwards we set out to go to another island, Kuttu. So, I got to see another island and I knew of some people who had lived or live on that island so it was great! Sadly, I witnessed how the water is rising over the islands sea wall and flooding the island. Global warming and environmental issues do matter! Then i went back to Moch and had some time to hang with Steph and Alex and see Moch.

Friday we spend the day again on the ship picking up people from different islands to head out to the celebration at Lechinoch (sp?) Two more of the Peace Corps from the Mortlocks got on the boat and we caught up a little. After being on the ship from 10-6pm we got to Lechinoch and settled. The next day started the celebration with Mass said by the Bishop and singing competitions which went on all day and into the late night. Along with singing there were many speeches. The singing is a cultural highlight. Firstly, Chuukese people have beautiful voices. Second, they make is so much fun. They will sit and do hand motions they made up and their leaders and people from the crowd will get up and dance. Then people throw candy into the group singing and walk around spraying them with perfume. It’s very different from home, but so enjoyable. (I want to throw Monkey out on the streets!)

The next day there was another mass and then a meeting of all the parishes. I skipped this hard core and hung out with Peace Corps and Steph. Then we got back on the ship around 4ish, dropped people from Moch off, and took a 20 hour ride back to Weno. I got here around 10:30, and taught three periods of classes. Then i passed out! The ride back was better than the one there though.

Other things left out:
*i ate total of three times with the Bishop.
*We were with the Bishops secretary all weekend and she was helping us know what and were to go.
*The islands out there are much cleaner and more peaceful that in the lagoon.
*The president came, but the bishop seemed more important, but President Mori seemed to have made a good speech about children instead of campaigning which i respect.
*Last years VP Marz was there with Pres.
*It was an all around great trip. I wouldn’t want to take the boat ride again, but i am glad I had the chance to do it once.
*I think that’s it!

Blog # 2 of good things:

The Thursday of getting back to Weno was a great day. Sometimes with frustrations here, I forget to enjoy myself and notice good days, but Thursday was good. I only had three classes which probably helped a lot. The school day was more less normal, but i had an after school Lit class with two juniors. They were supposed to finish the book Of Mice and Men and we talked about the book and what they were to do for next week. Then, I asked them questions on the book and they did great. I think they really read the book. Any lit teacher knows getting students to read a book is a challenge. Most somehow trick you that they read, but i think these boys read most of it at least and got the questions right. They also seemed into the conversation we were having about the book and one said he really liked it. At the end of class, one of the two boys asked if he could end in prayer. Now, I don’t let students pray at the beginning and end of my normal classes because i see it as a tactic to make class shorter, but they choose to stay one min. extra after school to pray and it’s just the three of us and i love it!

After class I walked to the new college to look for a teacher and on the way out, was snagged by a student to sit as a coach at a volleyball game. I asked where the coach was and they didn’t know. The other team was already there and i wasn’t surprised that a coach just left the students out to dry and skipped something they were supposed to be at. This happens all the time. teachers don’t go to class, don’t follow through on their obligations, and the students get screwed. Knowing how often this happens i didn’t think twice in sitting in on the game with no questions asked. Game starts and i sit watching the boys coach themselves. I get really proud of them. Normally I get more frustrated with the male students but most of the boys on the team were some of the good students, or at least students i enjoyed in some form. I actually felt loving watching them which sometimes my anger and frustration blocks that love.

Well, the game got cancelled...i looked like a fool. Apparently there was no game scheduled and the coach STILL hasnt picked the official SCA team. I don’t know why there is no team, but i know i looked like a fool, and don’t really care. I prob. would have done the same thing again because the team should have been organized by the school, and the students were doing something that kept them out of trouble and they enjoyed. I don’t know who is at fault, and I am not investigating because there is fault in sooooo many place I think it would take away from the joy i felt just being with the students.

When the game ended I started to walk out to buy dinner and was easily roped into a conversation with one of the local priests who I talked to a little on the way to Moch. I have a lot of questions about the role of the Cathlic Church here, but this priest is WONDERFUL and really doing his best to live out the gospel and help Chuuk. We had a 1.5 hour conversation about so much from education to faith to social issues here. It was wonderful to talk to him and feel like i could be honest with what i witnessed and how in some unjust situations my hands seem tied. He has the same problem. I won’t go in depth about what we talked about, because that would be publicly detailing the frustrations in Chuuk and could have repercussions, but the conversation was really life giving and gave me some hope. I grew a lot in respect for him, but was forced to say a prayer for him and others like him who are working with so many road blocks. one step forward, two kicks back….

So at the end of the day, despite having a drunk guy try to kiss my hand on the way to the store, I realized that this day was something I really needed. I needed a pick me up, and these personal interactions did just that. I actually feel like Thursday has given me some energy for more than a day. Yeah!

That’s the end. I hadn’t written in a long time, so I wrote a long one that I doubt you really wanted so long. You know me, I’ve always been wordy!

Peace, Love, and God Bless,

Jessica

Merry Christmas!

Hey Everyone. Sorry I haven't updated recently. This won't be much either. I just wanted to say Merry Christmas or Pwa Pwa Kristmas from Chuuk! I hope it's great! I'll be home next year and see you all then! I can't wait! Until then, enjoy the holidays!!!
Love,
Jessica

all over the place

Currently I’m sitting at a hotel using the internet after lunch. While eating lunch though, some girls from a once a year cruise ship were in the restaurant. I witnessed a hysterical moment, yet realized that I used to be on the other side so recently. So, culturally, girls legs are sacred, and the girls from the cruise ship were dressed, scantily. They were wearing short short shorts and midriffs shirts with heal, needless to say, in this conservative culture. That is NOT ok! So, at I watched this young lady walk past. So did the four Chuukese women at the counter. I watched one of the lean over and check her out with Oh My God eyes. All of the ladies had Oh My God faces on, and then they saw me watching them and looking at the same thing. All 5 of us started laughing!
Awesome.

Anyhow, I wanted to share something one of my students wrote. This student is wonderful and seems to see what we see too. She can look at Chuuk with a critical and loving eye. The assignment was to write a paragraph connecting Chuuk and common good in any way she could. Here is her response:

According to the web definition, common good is the good of a community. In my own understanding, I understand that common good is the good that people share in the community or society. As for myself, I do not think I see common good in Chuuk for some reasons. Most importantly, the leaders are charting in their work. They cheat and as a result their plans do not work out such as the road, cleaning system, and electricity. Second, people are careless. They think of their own good. For instance, they help their own families instead of helping the community people. Last, the leaders and their people do not work together. If the people work for common good, then the problems should be solved. Therefore, I strongly state that there is no common good in Chuuk.

On other notes, I’ve been wanting to write a good essay on Chuuk and what’s going on, but there is so much it’s hard. Recently, I’ve felt to be in a paradox. There is beauty in my students, the tropical life, and relationships I have here. This beauty is indescribable, yet, I’ve felt a little trapped on an island seeing so clearly, so much, that’s been hard. The above paragraph explains a lot of that. I try to remember that my perspective is that of a 23 year old American that has been in Chuuk for only 15 months, but my response is still alive.

Daily I notice the silence that is cause by the culture. No one speaks up. I would say it’s apathy, but I really think it’s forced apathy because if someone speaks up they’re seen as disrespectful by society. Because no one can speak up due to social pressures, things are falling apart here. People explain how the society has digressed. It’s sad. As Chuuk is forced to meet the western world, everyone gets confused. As the culture shifts, men have lost their place and begin to drink more and violence takes over. Then there is education. Education seems like a way to combat some of the problems, but education is so undervalued here. Students don’t do homework, there is little parental support, and the school doesn’t always even take education seriously. Teachers don’t always show up to class or class is cancelled or shortened for some odd reason.

So recently, I have loved the students but have been really saddened. I feel like Chuuk is a place where people have lost hope and passion for life. Violence, alcoholism, and apathy rule while other things are put on the backburner. Family life is incredibly important and something we don’t see as much, but at times it seems to be more family verse family. My role here at times seems trivial, and then I remember the hard working students and keep going. There are plenty of aspects of Chuuk that keep me going, mostly the wonderful people, nature, and finding God, but it’s a hard place to understand and really hard to see a society in the situation that Chuuk is in.

These are just thought, not so organized and not what I wish I was posting, but thoughts nonetheless.

As I think this though, I look out over the water into the sun and see the other islands in the distance, hear the motors of the boats, and see the beauty here. It’s such a paradox, and none of my critical thinking can get me to understand what steps need to be taken here, probably because I know I cannot be the one to take them. The steps have to come from within. As cliché as it is, all I can do is plant the seeds and hope they will be fertilized.

I miss you all, and am trying to figure next year out…we’ll see what comes of that, but I will be on a plane somewhere around July heading for the US.

Love,
Jessica

We Pray For....

One of my favorite things to do for spirituality nights is to re-write prayers. I always love what comes out of it and I love putting prayers into our own words. Tonight, as a group, we wrote this prayer based off of “We pray for the Children…” This is what we came up with and can give glimpses of what we love and struggle with being volunteers in Chuuk and what prayers we hold for the people we serve and people serving in other places.

We pray for Chuukese
Who have hidden passions,
Who are victims of violence,
Who dip fingers in kool-aid and ramen.

We pray for volunteers
Who could leave at any time,
Who question their purposes,
Who want to feel more part of the culture,
Who put ideas into action,
Who are just learning,
Who miss their families and friends.

We pray for Chuukese
Who shake it at track and field events,
Who have the capacity to make this a better state.

We pray for volunteers
Who are burdened by expectations,
Who forget to have dance parties,
Who build relationships with those they serve,
Whose vision is often blurred,
Who think they are going crazy,
Who need to be reminded to watch the sunset,
Who make mistakes.

We pray for Chuukese
Who sing their hearts out,
Who leave their notebooks in the other classroom,
Who turn the other cheek,
Who don’t see the virtue of education,
Who share everything,
Who sweep water out of their yards,
Who work in markets,
Who have been robbed of their cultural identities (by a bureaucratic nightmare),
Who shout waioooo and mwasamwas,
Who are victims of substance abuse.

We pray for volunteers
Who stare at calendars,
Who miss smelling good and feeling clean,
Who haven’t had a solid shit in 6 months,
Who are changed beyond their ability to effect change,
Who are all over the world.

We pray for Chuukese
Who chew betel nut,
Who search for hope,
Who enjoy laying down anywhere,
Who need role models,
Who stay in Chuuk.

May our hands join together as instruments of change in Jesus’s name. Amen.

I hope you enjoyed.
Love,
Jessica

update and mice

Hello Everyone. Sorry I haven’t updated in more than a month. I’m not even sure what to say now, so let me start with, we’ve caught 10 mice so far without killing them. Let’s be honest, there is no way to kill them because traps here don’t work. Our kitchen has been invaded by pooping mice and there have been mice trapping missions. For a while, we had a mouse trap maze set up in our kitchen using cans, games, boxes, and Tupperware. At random intervals, there would be a sprint to the kitchen to catch the mice and if the mouse was eating the food in the maze, most of the time, he would get caught and be thrown to the ground outside (probably to find his way back up to our kitchen…agh!
In addition to catching mice, school has started. I am teaching freshmen and sophomore lit, and English composition. Once I get to the comp class, I fall over and tell the juniors and seniors how much I love them! Haha. The sophomores are great too, and some of the freshmen, but WHOA BABY, some of these freshmen need someone to put them in their place. Part of the problem though is that there are 40 in each class and they’re just at so many different levels…it’s insane. I’ve been concentrating mostly on vacab though so the students can increase their vocab. It’s not really a fun class at all, whereas the sophomore class is wonderful. I love teaching that lit class.
Although teaching freshmen and teaching in general can be difficult, I am really at peace with it. I’ve been missing home in a weird way. I am super happy here and don’t want to leave, but I still miss people and things from home. The feeling is more wanting to visit home than to be there for good. Regardless though, I’ve been really happy and at peace here. This is where I’m supposed to be and what I’m supposed to be doing at this moment. This past weekend was our staff retreat and I realized I’m really at peace with God, nature, and where I am right now. As everyone there are things on my mind, but overall I’m peaceful. I’ve felt at one with nature. I’ve felt closer to God, and as if my life is truly blessed as a product of God’s love.
Along with being at peace this weekend, I’ve been feeling a weird feeling that I’m supposed to really do something with my life. I know I want to be a wife and mother, but I also feel like I’ve been given so many opportunities and blessing I need to figure out where my gifts and talents best meet the worlds needs. I’m still thinking on that! I think what I’ve been doing though is a path to where I’m supposed to be.
So, that’s a life update.
Peace,
Trout
PS. Caro’s parents got here yesterday and brought sticky traps-so sad- and we are up to 16 mice caught in our house! INFESTATION!!! We drown then on the sticky pad to be more humane so they didn’t starve to death. One of them still had head mobility and poked his head outa the water in panic…Tyler had to push the sticky pad lower in the water….really really sad day. Heart breaking… wah wah.

Summer Switch of Islands

Currently, I am sitting on a flowered wooden couch in the smallest house ever in Pohnpei, FSM where the JVs here live. I have lived in this house for the last 5 weeks with two other JVs, Mike from Xavier (Chuuk), and Samantha from Pohnpei. In one week, Philip, a JV from Pohnpei will come back from Chuuk, and the next day Mike and I will say goodbye to Philip and Sam for another 9 months until we meet again at the end of out JVI experience. Mike and I will arrive back to our home in Chuuk to have our new JVs arrive the next day. After they arrive, we start a series of Phase II orientation events; talking to people, adventuring around Chuuk, getting to know one another, and going on a 20 hour boat ride in the vast, open Pacific Ocean!
This all sounds like quite a lot in a few days, but I’m ready and excited. The summer in PNI has been wonderful and I do not regret switching islands and placements for the summer, but I am ready to go back to Chuuk and excited to meet our new people! I can’t believe I’m more than half way done though! I don’t feel like I’ve been here that long.
Anyhow, what did I do this summer in PNI? Well, I was the Director of the Higher Achievement Program. HAP is a program run by Xavier volunteers and people closely affiliated with Xavier (AKA me) for to be 8th graders at the top of their classes from all elementary schools in PNI. My job was to plan field trips, make sure logistics were done, take care of the budget, and just make sure things were running smoothly. To be honest, the job wasn’t so hard. There were moments of high stress such as during our field trips making sure all 61 students and volunteers were with us, respectful and so on, but the planning wasn’t so bad.
I learned a lot through being director, and got to see a lot too. For the field trips we went to Micronesian Seminar (www.micsem.org) and I got to see more in depth what they do for FSM. We went to the Local Food Community of Pohnpei and had a presentation from the Conservation Society in Pohnpei, which I got to see both of these presentations and go to the LFCP and see their place. Then, the two coolest and hardest field trips came-Nan Madol and the Capitol at Palikir where we met with the President of the FSM. These were awesome although STRESSFUL! Nan Madol is ruins in PNI created in the 1200s I think and mark the lands of the highest ranking chief because of the prime location and history of the people in the area. It was the first time I had seen ruins, therefore it was pretty awesome. I was also met by a lot of hospitality of the local deacon and parents. Finally, yesterday we went to the FSM Capitol at Palikir. This fieldtrip may have been less stressful in planning, but I would say it was the most stressful and coolest for me once there. When we got to the Capitol, the tour guide did not show up. I went into the Dept. of Edu office and they called him. He arrived 45 mins later so I had 60 13 year olds bored for 45 mins. I decided to walk around the buildings with them and tell them what I could about each of the government offices but I am no expert in government and what happens in each office. Luckily I had gone through the 3 branches of government with the students the day before and some other information so I was able to quiz them along the walk. Still, we got back to the bus and the tour guide still wasn’t there. When he showed up he had a lot of energy and humor and all turned out great. At 10:30 we had a meeting with the President of the FSM, Manny Mori from Chuuk. This part proved rather stressful too. The president was in his office and ready for us, very hospitable, and honestly, I have a good impression of him. Anyhow, as we went in to sit down, the presidents employees told me to go sit up front next to him-eeek…I’m a 23 year old teacher. How am I the person that should be sitting next to the president of a country in front of a large group? Anyhow, I did as asked and the tour guide presented the group briefly, passed it to the president’s office, who passed it straight to me….shoot, what do I say?!?! So, I spoke a little more about the students and the group, the goal and so on, and then passed it to the president. WOOSH! He spoke to them with great humor and honesty which I appreciated. Then they asked him questions which we prepared beforehand. He answered the questions very humbly and gave us a ton of time. He talked to the students about the value of their education and the need for leaders with honesty and education. I was thoroughly impressed with him. All at the same time though, I was watching my students talking and laughing in the back of the room, directly ahead of him and me, and girls poking each other with pencils and covering their faces. I was 100% embarrassed! They were being so disrespectful in front of the president! I say that, yet some of them were truly captivated by what he had to say and listening intently. I was so proud of those students.
So, I met the President of the FSM (technically again) and really like him. He has a bad rep on the island I think, but he was great to us, seemed very humble, and like he’s doing the best he can with what he has.
Next week is the last week. 3 events in one week…and a speech from me at graduation…EEK.
Then back to Chuuk!!!! Yeah!!!
****2 weeks later and I’m not back in Chuuk. The 20 hour boat ride got canceled…agh! And the new people are here. They rock. My speech and all the events went great and I look back on HAP and know it was the right thing for me to do over the summer. I gained so much. I’m happy to be home now though and getting back to SCA!
Stop reading here if you don’t want reflections on the islands.
So, Pohnpei is very different than Chuuk. Admittedly, I have been living in Kolonia and not the outer municipalities of PNI. Even so, Chuuk does not have a Kolonia. PNI is much more developed and the students generally speak better English than in Chuuk. There are a lot more expats working here, more places to go to, and constant power. Living in Kolonia compared to downtown Chuuk is totally different! I’m not sure if I saw enough of Pohnpei to say this, but I feel like Chuuk embraces their culture more and has more of a small town feel. In PNI, I see girls wearing mini skirts, short shorts and pants more rather than the local skirts and muumuus which has been confusing to me. PNI seems much more…westernized? Time and travel has shown me a lot more simple, natural island life in Chuuk’s lagoon islands. This difference in the islands has been hard for me. I don’t really know what to think of it. I’m not sure if one is better than the other. Yes, Chuuk is less developed but seems to have more of the cultural pride. PNI is more developed but seems to have less of the simplicity of Chuuk. Is one better than the other? I’m not sure. I know being in PNI it has been really hard for me though to see Pohnpieans wearing skimpy cloths. To me, it seems very disrespectful to their culture (which I am not fully part of so can I say that either?) I feel differently about women in the states wearing skimpy cloths (I’m still not a proponent of it, but it is much more accepted in the US). Seeing girls showing leg here breaks my heart. Loosing the traditional values of their home and the sacredness of legs shows westernization rubbing off on the people here. It’s a visual sign of westernization to me.
I’m not sure that cultural change and westernization is really a bad thing, but I do think it needs to be integrated into traditional culture. Some good can come from the western world, and some bad can come from the western world. As I think about the contrast between the two states, I truly hope that integration of westernization can be done in a way that also embraces and keeps their culture to its fullest.
I’m still trying to process the difference between Chuuk and Pohnpei. I’m not sure that I ever will understand it. I have theories but nothing that I find to explain things. I don’t think one place is better than the other, just different. I see strengths and weaknesses in both sides of westernization in the islands. My heart is obviously in Chuuk, but it has been great to be in PNI, meet new people, go to movies and bars, have electricity, and even a hot shower…yes, I got to take 2 hot showers while here! AMAZING!
One thing that really bothered me here though was how often people say that Chuuk is a horrible place with horrible, violent people. Most people have only seen Weno, and for a brief time. Similar to what I stated, what I saw here is only a sample after 5 weeks. I can’t fully talk about PNI, yet people here think that once they’ve been to Chuuk for a day, they can quickly agree with what others have said, that Chuuk is the unwanted step child of the FSM and not a good place. I found myself defending Chuuk over and over again and being frustrated with their quick glance opinion of my home. There was no shame in slamming Chuuk to my face. Again, I reiterate, Chuuk is where I live. I would never say your home is a POS, especially not to your face, so please, think about how much you’ve seen of a Chuuk before slamming the state-hence why I restate over and over again that I don’t know if I have enough experience in PNI to even say what I have said.
So to conclude, I restate, I do not think what I have seen in PNI nor Chuuk is bad. I simply think it’s different and don’t know how to understand the differences yet. I don’t think I understand either place well enough to decide what I have seen. These are just thoughts after spending 11 months in Chuuk and 1 month and 2 weeks in Pohnpei, which can be completely flawed from what someone would understand after much longer.
Enough writing.
With love,
Jessica

The Justice of Education

“Teacher! Teacher! Come!” is what I heard all year from sophomores and juniors in my English classes. I used my mom’s line of “Teacher’s (Mom’s) not here. She changed her name!” As the year closes though, I realize that I grew to love my new name, “Teacher.”
Although I have been called teacher all year and am here sharing a western education with Chuukese students, I have been the one being educated. This maybe cliché, but regardless of years, entering Chuuk and the culture here is something that requires crash course education. My students have been my teachers of their culture and humor all year. They have shown me beauty in Chuuk through traditions, care of one another, and they also taught me a lot about patience being a virtue (that I lack more than I thought)!!!! The thing they do not know they taught me though was the true value of education and justice within education through my roll as a teacher.
As the school year ends, I realize I fell in love with my students and my roll in Chuuk. I am not an activist, revolutionary, or radical here. I am unable to stand up and speak in a new culture the way I loved to in the US, but I am able to teach and plant seeds that may grow someday. The roll I play here is as someone working for justice in an unjust system-the system of education. I am able to be a stable teacher who shows up on time, sober, and every day with a lesson to teach.
One time? Sober? Every day? Yes, I said all of those! Lack of education is something I never realized was so unjust until I entered the education system in Chuuk. I saw bad education in inner city public schools in the US, which is true and needs work, but education in Chuuk is something else. Some days teachers do not come to class until 45 minutes into the class, so classes sit and do nothing for most of the class period. Some teachers will get to school late and not teach either of their classes because they were too late and do not want the classes to be in two different places. At some schools (thankfully not mine) teachers show up smelling like alcohol, or worse, actually drunk and “teach.” And sometimes teachers just do not come to school at all. In that case, students sit in their classrooms doing nothing, or walking around school looking into other classes. Depending on the school, this can happen for a day, or for weeks and somehow, these teachers still have jobs.
So my roll here is not to speak up against the horrible education in Chuuk to the Chuukese Government because I do not have the cultural skills or rapport to say anything. I have realized that my roll in education is to speak up at my own school when and if I can be received, and to do my best to teach adolescences each day to the best of my ability.
I used to struggle with the fact that I am not trained in education and do not have a clue what I am doing in the classroom. This though, is not important. All these students need is someone to share their education. They need someone who is willing to share education every day.
So, after finishing my first school year in Chuuk, if people ever ask me what I learned, I know what I would say. Working in this system has taught me my ability as a teacher, but more importantly how much justice is within a good education. Education is something that can never be taken away from anyone. Learning gives people the ability to critically look at the world they live in, to change things in their own countries and communities, and gives to them opportunities that uneducated people do not have. Education is truly a justice. Education is the tool used in nearly everything we do with our lives from reading the newspaper to or jobs to how we raise a family. As for me, I am incredibly thankful for my wonderful education from my parents, Freeburg Grade School, FCHS, SLU, and everywhere else that has educated my mind, heart and soul.


Junior English Skills and Creative Writing student Anthony

pictures and hello

These are just a few pictures from our retreat at the end of the year! There are plenty of beautiful ones, but I can't upload them all. Tyler took these pictures. They are truly what Chuuk looks like when you get away from the populated island. I'm doing good. How could i not be? Look at the beauty around me!
On the retreat I said something and almost cried at the realization of how true it was....I'm happy here!
Currently I'm in Pohnpei though. I switched islands. Sometimes i catch myself saying i miss home and refering to Chuuk....it's wierd. I like Pohnpei though. It's just...intense. Chuuk is less developed than Pohnpei so I get a little shocked at the cars buzzing buy me or the high speed internet. These would seem like good things, yet they're overwhelming when i haven't seem them in 10mo. Life is good though. I'm where i'm supposed to be.
Miss you all and love you from the beautiful Nesia!!!
Jessica

summary of the year

Hey everyone. So I haven’t been the best at writing long e-mails to let you all know how things are going here or what’s new. I’m more spermatic than consistent in my e-mails, letters, and blog posts. So, I’d like to give you an overview of my year. But before that, you need to laugh.
“Teacher, come.” Says one of my really sweet and innocent junior students writing a research paper on a foreign concept in Chuuk.
“Wooo” I reply Chuukese style to let her know I heard her call.
“Teacher, what does this mean” she asks pointing to a paragraph.
I read the paragraph and ask, “Which part dear?”
And she points to two words and says, “anal sex?”
I think to myself, Oh my God! Is this really happening. Knowing she’s asking honestly, I take a deep breath and explain. Her response is a flat “EWWWW!”
So today, I had to explain anal sex. How’s that for a story.
Now, onto some substance. I entered my JVI placement in Chuuk skeptical and a little worried that it would have been more brave of me to reject my placement than to accept, but I accepted believing God opened this door for a reason. Getting to Chuuk I was slow to warm up and struggled at the beginning as I usually do in new situations. I started teaching to learn that it is a hard occupation and students don’t realize that the teacher is really working for them, but I stuck with teaching, and Chuuk. I struggled to learn that I didn’t fall immediately in love with Chuuk and the people here and that life here is just plain different than in Latin America and everywhere else I’ve lived. I learned I’m no longer in the western hemisphere and the culture is plain backwards to my culture.
Christmas and a little before were hard months. Being away for Christmas was challenging and news that I was going to have a niece was bitter sweet. Knowing I would be an aunt and being excited for my brother and sister in law was wonderful, but also knowing I was going to be missing the first year of her life and all the things leading up to it was not as wonderful. The news that her middle name would be the same as mine made me tear up a little and wish I could be home to hug everyone and let them know how touched I was.
After Christmas things started getting a lot easier and better. Second semester was much more enjoyable teaching. I started teaching units rather than randomness! I think that’s the key! And I enjoyed my units. In Soph. Lit I taught mythology and then went into the Holocaust. I really really loved teaching the Holocaust and Anne Frank. I wish I could have talked more about the book after it was over and done more review/teaching of the book but in general, I really loved that unit. I also was teaching essay writing in English Skills which gave space for really challenging students to think critically and get to know their own ideas. I have been more confident in what I’m teaching this semester and began enjoying it.
I finally fell in love with being in Chuuk this semester and am able to understand a little better why God put me here. I never would have seen this side of the world had I not been placed here by JVI. I will go back to Latin America some day, but I would have never come here. Furthermore, I feel like I have been able to help students get through struggles, be someone students can trust and ask questions, and laugh with them. It’s been really a beautiful second semester. I have been much more positive about Chuuk and really wish I could show Chuuk to more people. I realized the other day that even though I miss people, I would rather them come visit me than me to go to them at this point.
Living in community has been difficult at times, but in general I think community has made this process of living and working in another culture so much better. I love my community. We really are like a family that loves each other even when we get mad at one another. We laugh together and even do things like “book club” and “star of the week.” Haha.
Spirituality has been interesting. I NEVER want to go to church which is hard because I used to want to go to college mass because I just thought it was a beautiful experience, and at home, although I didn’t want to get up early, I loved going with grandma and grandpa in the mornings. It was special time for me to be with them. Here, I just don’t want to go and don’t enjoy it. I find it one of the most challenging parts of JVI at this point, but am frequently seeing where God is in my life in other ways through nature, student interactions, conversations, and joy.
Education has become a social justice issue for me. Education here is just not what it should be. It’s been a real struggle. I know I’m teaching at a private school so the poorest students are not able to attend in most cases, but even the students who can pay for education are not getting a just education. Teachers don’t always show up, the resources are less (but not horribly limited) and parents for the most part do not support education past financial assistance. There is no follow up at home to make sure students are learning. Education in Chuuk is subpar and makes me realize that every day in the classroom I am working for social justice whether in the lessons I teach, or in planting seeds to get the students to go out and work and care for one another.
And the final pillar of the JVI program has been simple living. This pillar has been hard and easy. I’ve been fine spending only $60 although I realize how little that really is, but I can do it. I live in Chuuk where there is no AC in our apartment but it’s freaking hot, and power is fickle and off as much as it’s on, my i-pod was stolen and I never got another... We’re on a budget for dinners and such, and just can’t have everything we want…but, I’m not so excellent at this beings I request anything at a whim from home. This would be my simple living flaw. It’s easy to stay under $60 when shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, snacks, and tons of love is sent from home, yet sometimes I love the boxes, feel loved when I get them, and realize how much time and thought goes into them from home. I constantly think if I should ask for less boxes, but I’m not sure…They’re such a joy…
So, I’m not a perfect JV, but I try and am enjoying the program and my time in Chuuk. I miss people at home, but can’t express enough that through the struggles I’m really in a good place. It’s hard, but it’s good. I think of home a lot, and the people from home, but life is wonderful and I am having an opportunity of a lifetime. I do feel that I’m getting closer to being ready to settle down…in the way I call settling down (that means I’ll probably leave the country again if there is a good opportunity, but only if it’s in the process of something else, like traveling for a month with a job. I’ll probably go away for grad school). Chuuk is probably the longest I’ll live out of the country. I’m happy, but miss being in touch with family and friends. I love the people in my life, and truly want to be more of a part of their lives while still living mine. So mom, dad, grandma/pa, family and friends, know you are still special and important to me. I really do miss you even though I’m loving life here.
Ok, I don’t really know what else to say about the year. It was hard at first, and now I’m good. I’m heading to Pohnepei for the summer to co-direct a Xavier development program called HAP. We’ll be teaching 6th and 7th graders, and then doing Friday field trips which I’ll probably coordinate. I’m very excited about this although sad to leave Caroline and Tyler for the summer! My mailing address will change from June 14th to Aug 1 and I will post that sometime….haha.
Thanks for reading! Love and miss ya’ll!
Jessica

happy things!

Recently things have been going well. We had a few really fun nights in a row that made me love Chuuk even more! The school year is wrapping up nicely as I am finishing my last projects in each class and should end just in time. Anne Frank is almost over and we should have time to review the book. We’re working on researching for our paper in English Skills and that will be due finals week…I hope they do okay with it! And in Creative Writing they are finishing their poetry books, we’ll present them on Monday, do another fun poem in class, and close poetry. We’ll read a couple dramas and maybe act them out with the rest of time and then the year will end! I can’t believe I’m done with my first year of teaching in a month! I have learned that I am not as patient as I thought I was and as I have known, a little overly opinionated and moody! Lol.
But let’s talk about the really fun things. Last week, starting Thursday was WONDERFUL!!! First that evening we got to take a bus ride in the new bus with AC! It’s always nice to get out of the school and drive the island. We took Marz, the VP home, and then we got to take the bus back to SCA alone. On the way back Caro and Matt pulled out their I-pods and speakers so we jammed on the way home. The first song we listened to was a remake Micronesia style. “Island Road Micronesia” I really like it! I know it’s a complete remake, stolen song, but it’s great. So, as I listened to it on the ride back I felt in peace. I felt like I am really where I should be and really loved Chuuk at that moment. Plus, the ride was funny with Matt driving and Caro emceeing on the microphone! Haha.
Then, I was in charge of community night that Thursday night and it was Earth Day so I thought I would try to do something “earthy.” After some thinking and ideas from others, I decided to go to the markets and buy 8 coconuts and a bundle of bananas. What was I going to do with this? Sit around and eat/drink local food? NO WAY. BORING!!! After dinner, I laughed at how full we all were and told them to follow me into the kitchen where the coconuts were in the freezer. I set out two knives. Said “Matt and Tyler, you are against each other, Caro and me, we’re against each other. You grab a knife, and coconut. Whoever gets it opened and consumed first wins, then the winner vs the winner, looser vs the looser. Boys first. GOOOO!!!!” And as I said go, the guys raced to grab a knife and get a coconut out of the bag. “Bang bang bang” went the coconuts and the guys rushed to open them. They were not easy to open!!! Tyler won. Then me and Caro. Same story, except girl style….we both stuck straws in ours and drank through the straw as fast as possible. Caro won… lo but it was close! Then we went into the dining room. Each person had 3 bananas in front of them. “Eat them fast” I said. “GO!” We shoved whole banana’s into our mouths. Caro won!! Lol I was second to last! At least I didn’t loose. Then we went onto the second round of coconut drinking. Caro and Tyler tied, Matt beat me, and I got to enjoy the rest of my coconut.
Finally, the best part of the night came about. COCONUT BOWLING!!! We took our empty coconuts outside, set up some plastic containers from the house, and bowled 5 frames!!! I got second! But really, the joy of it all was that we were coconut bowling (this idea came from another JV community! I wasn’t that creative!). So, needless to say, Thursday was great fun.
Friday was good too. I got to go on another ride around the island to do some errands, and then one of the Peace Corps came over and he and Tyler played some music which was wonderful. We also watched “to kill a mockingbird” which I haven’t seen since 7th grade. Good reminder!
Then was Saturday! We had a school picnic planned, so a small ship was rented and off we went. It was a hot day but well worth the horrible sun burn. The best part was when the ship parked a little ways out from the picnic island. I was fidgeting trying to figure out a way to jump in the water then and there because I was hot and it looked great. Matt and Caro must have read my mind, because they jumped from the roof of the ship into the water! I was able to convince a student to go with me and so he jumped in. And before I could be told not to jump, I went off the edge too! It was so liberating to jump off I ship and into the beautiful blue Pacific ocean! We swam quite a ways to shore and then enjoyed the rest of the picnic. The food was wonderful, hanging out with the students was great, and being in the water all day was what I dreamed of when I knew I was coming to an island! On the way back we also so a rare sight…a dolphin followed us. This is really rare in the lagoon and some of the students have never seen a dolphin here, so it was a real treat. Behind the dolphin was a small rainbow…tell me that’s not breathtaking!
So, those days were wonderful. Things have been good since too. We had a fun dinner at a friend’s house Friday with some good southern cooking, dancing and games, and the week has been fine.
Things really are wrapping up quite well for me this first year. I’m happy where I am, and feeling more comfortable here. I’ll probably write a serious blog before leaving reflecting on the year, but I thought ya’ll could use some less serious reading for a change. In the next one, I’ll give you my summer mailing address in Pohnpei too!
Peace, love and coconuts!
Jessica

LONG! Skip faith unless you're interested

Dear Friends and Family,
My Easter gift to you is too long of an update, but it’s pretty holistic of what’s going through my mind lately. For people who REALLY want to know, this will be good. For those of you who want the sum, you’ll never finish! Because it’s a long one, I’ve separated it into parts which you can read as you want. I’ve written them mostly at different times, so they will not flow:

Part One: General Update

Sorry it’s been a while since I last updated this blog…maybe a month or so. Life has gotten more and more busy here as I fall into my niche. Today is Sunday, and I have been rather useless and I love to do nothing on the weekends, but the good news is other than some church functions with the students, we have begun Easter Break! I’m very ready for the time off. I’m sure it’s going to fly by, but I will have time to finish up some stuff, catch up on grading, relax and so forth. Things have been going pretty well here. The power is kinda a nuisance because it’s only on every 4 hours and it was much better before the last few months, but at least we have power unlike most of the other islands.
So lets move forward…What’s been going on here…We FINALLY got rain!!! And it’s been wonderful other than the fact that it’s muddy, but I love the sound of rain, and the island really needed the rain for shower water. People were running out completely…as did we, but we’re lucky to have a deep well to hook up with.
Um, teaching is going well too. I’m still teaching writing to the Junior class which I really enjoy because I feel like I learned writing VERY well in high school and remember some of that. Plus I was able to contact some of my high school teachers and get some of the handouts I remembered using and all I have to do is enforce those handouts. I don’t so much like grading the writing, but I like teaching it and feel like it’s going well. I’m also teaching Anne Frank to the sophomores which is interesting. I enjoy the moral lessons and the holocaust unit, although I’m not sure how many students are really reading the book…but I’m just hoping!!!! They keep failing the quizzes but I’m not sure if they’re too hard or if they are not reading or comprehending, but they wont ask questions so who knows.
I’ve also been entering into the reality more here. So, this past week as health care passed in the US, I was reminded about how shitty health care is here. First, people’s nutrition is that of, or worse than that of the people living in the US ghettos because of money and access. People are overweight because of horrible food, have diabetes and little education to stop the spin of health problems. Even if they had the education, they don’t have the resources. We understand this among the Chuukese people because we have the same problem. We’ve regularly had the conversation about how bad our nutrition is because when/if there is decent food; we don’t have the money to buy it without eating horrid food towards the end of the month. Anyhow, nutrition is one, but then when they do enter the hospital, they die of preventable problems unless they can pay to go to Guam….if the problem is caught in time to go to Guam. It’s not ideal. I was reminded of this last weekend when we got to meet with the US Ambassador here (YEAH, I loved it!!! Totally my cup of tea!!! It was awesome!!!), and then again as one of my students told me that her mom was in the hospital on a breathing tube…I really hope it works out well for her… 
Another reality entered this past week was suicide. Luckily I haven’t directly known anyone here that has committed suicide, but I have known people who knew people. An example of this came up this week when one of my students asked me the difference between attempt and commit. I explained the terms in general thinking nothing of suicide, rather thinking he was asking me as an English teacher because he encountered the terms in reading or wanted to use them for writing. He proceeded to use suicide as an example to make sure he understood and then the conversation started that one of his relative committed suicide after various attempts. He identified the need for counseling services on the island which I agree with 100 percent explaining that if there was consoling then maybe his relative would have only attempted but not committed. Suicide here is at the top in the world…this is the second suicide I’ve heard of since I’ve been here and this area is small!!!
The other reality I was presented with was from one of my best students who said she was not doing her work because of family issues. I wish I could tell more about them, but I don’t feel like it’s something to blog about. It made me think a lot though about culture, strength of human beings, western culture meeting island culture, and how honored I felt to be trusted. Accompaniment has been really hard just watching students having problems and not being able to do anything about it other than listening. Social services in the US are not perfect, but thank God for them! At least SOMETHING can be done. Additionally, in this situation, if there is anything to be done, I don’t know about it because I’m not Chuukese and I could just cause more problems than helping if I would even try to do anything….so, I do my best and hope she knows I care and will listen.
So although this sounds horrible, and really, it is, I feel trusted and like the students have someone to go to even if I cannot solve anything. I can at least hold their hand along the journey and let them know someone cares. I guess situations like this show me what I’m doing here. Maybe I am doing a better job than I give myself credit for.
So, I wish I had more fun stories to tell you. I should work on an entertaining blog entry. Miss you all and love you all. Please feel free to update me with your life, your family, your boyfriends, breakups, funny stories, new stories, anything. I love getting e-mails!
Also, please keep my Great Aunt Jeanette in your prayers as she tries to battle for life in the hospital (update 4-4-10, she’s almost out of ICU and doing well!), and my future niece Taylor, sister-in-law, and brother as they await miracles!

Part Two: My Life with the Saints Reflection (more faith for those of you interested in that)

This is from my journal, so it is raw though and might be a little pompous…or so I feel like it is.
“Well, first, I feel like a faith failure as I already mentioned. I do not enjoy mass or all of these things that we have to do and tend to skip more because they’re boring. Then the whole fear of being ignorant or whatever, yet I still crave an understanding and relationship with God and Christ-a relationship that fits in with some idea of Christianity even if it’s radical and annoying to some traditionals. Anyhow, in my search I’ve picked up Mother Teresa (MT) books and My Life with the Saints. Nothing has been life changing thus far, although I do relate a lot to finding God in others as MT does and the God of service because that’s when I’ve felt closest to God-with others. There’s a question that goes with My Life with the Saints asking who was the first saint I met and I’d say it’s between MT and the Salvadoran saints, Grande, Romero, the UCA martyrs, and the Maryknoll martyrs. So, I’ll go with the first three.
MT-well, I’m still meeting her in reading so maybe I can’t say I’ve met her, but what I have met intrigues me. She left the convent and safety of it to go to the streets and be with the sick and dying. She said she saw God in each person she was with-and although I strive for that, I fall short 95% of the time. I will see God but I won’t see Him the entire time. For example, today, I was playing with two seven year old girls which was wonderful but then I got tired of them and got away. I wonder if MT did that? I’ve also heard about her long loneness and wondered about that. I want to read more. She never felt God but still had faith….? Could that be similar to me? I don’t feel God, yet I pray and desire to know God more fully….? IDK. Her work and her love , the manner she lived her life is what draws me to her. Her love for humanity and dignity for all along with her humility and desire not to be seen draws me to her. I wish I had more of that graceful humility, yet I want to do great things and make real changes (which she did through small acts of love). I want my life to be an example that a simple person can, really CAN do something big and real. That we can change things if we work for it. Of course I can change nothing alone, but I can do get something started that other can be a KEY part in, something I can start but not do alone. It’s like she said, “Some things I can do, you cannot. Some things you can do, I cannot, but together we can do something great” (or something like that). I may lack confidence in many ways, but I do believe in myself that I can make something change for the better. I CAN play my part in the world and not sit back hoping someone else will do it. Yes, MT, I lack your humility. You did great things loving individuals and because of my love of individuals, I want to do great things for them so others see their humanity. Yet, I want to learn from you on how to treat others when I work with them, or meet them. I question if the habit kept you safe though. How did you go to homeless people and never enter situations of violence? Maybe it’s wrong of me to feel that homeless on the streets are dangerous, yet I’m in their home, walking in their front door as I approach. Being a young white girl could I be unwelcomed in my desire to be human? I fear so and avoid meeting people I’d like to learn from and show respect to because of fear which she didn’t seem to have.
Moving on, Rutillio Grande I met through the movie Romero. I had heard of him being the reason Romero entered the lucha, or struggle for the poor in El Salvador’s civil war, but when I watched Romero I was captivated by Grande. He was killed before the war even started with an elderly man and young boy-who I am shamed for not knowing their names too-but he was a priest in the countryside. He heard his parishioner’s struggles and listened to them as they talked about Arena and the human rights violations, the struggles they had surviving and their needs. Essentially he listened and heard the people’s cries. As a priest, he had more power than the poor of Aguilleres (SP) and tried to do something, talking to clergy, bishops and working for them, standing up for them. He pressured Romero to do more, but Romero felt that was not the place of the Catholic Church. Grande saw early on that as Christians the place of the church is for the people and for the poor. Before others were willing to say anything, Grande spoke up. He lost his life for others and for God, speaking the truth as he saw it and his death shook his friend Oscar Romero into seeing what was really going on outside of the church walls. His fight for humanity and the God living in the poor is why he’s a saint to me. The fact that he stood before many others were willing to stand and listed to the people makes him a saint in my eyes. He stood to be killed while others turned a blind eye. He did what was unpopular before others would. Sometimes on a MUCH smaller scale, I feel that is what I’m doing. Standing up for humanity when others see numbers as more important than lives and quality of life. Whether it’s immigration, foreign affairs, poor in the city needing social services, or whatever it is, I think Grande would agree that the life of the people is more important than those who slip through the system and humans are of the utmost importance in the world above money, time and so on (but maybe I don’t know enough to say what he would think, it’s only my assumption). People are the God on earth and if we don’t care for them, we’re screwing ourselves, our morals and God himself. How can we be happy only serving ourselves? Mother Teresa serves others, MLK, Gandhi, Grande, Romero, many important people we look up to. Why don’t more people find the need to do the same if we look up to them? I mean, people are pissed about Health Care Reform. Sure I don’t know that it’s going to make the system better, but isn’t it worth a try if it could benefit more people? Yet there are people putting themselves before humanity. Their own needs before the common good of all. That’s not what common day saints do, nor what the church asks of us, is it? Yet we, including me, hear what we want in church, arguments, the world, and forget the rest if it would ask us to change at all.
Okay, enough of my pompous annoyances and back to saints. My final saint is Archbishop Oscar Romero from El Salvador. So to be honest, I sometimes see Grande as more of a saint than Romero because he started at the beginning from the people themselves and stood immediately, whereas Romero needed Grande’s murder to launch him into the truth of the war. That’s not to discredit what Romero did. I still regard Romero as a saint, solely feel that Grande gets forgotten because of his early death, campo congregation and role as a priest rather than an archbishop of a country, but Romero’s saintliness is seen in the people’s love for him. How can a man who inspires so much goodness in people and continuous struggle, or lucha, in the people not be a saint? He inspired them. That’s miracle enough-what he did in the hearts of the Salvadoran people…He stood, preaching the gospel about life, killing, morality, asking people to stop killing because of Jesus. He said powerful things and knew he would be killed, yet he knew the messages had to be heard in the poor, the war, and around the world and they were. His words were not said in vain. People hear his messages today and have passion, joy and energy for the church because they know that some parts of the church may not be on their side, or care about the needs of the poor, but Romero gave them the understanding and the hope that parts of the church really care for them and support them. There are people in the church who will stand up for others when they need it and even die for them. That message will live in people’s hearts and the justice and struggle Romero endured among his unpopular homilies will not leave the people. He’s yet another figure serving people, peace, and the well-being of humans. How many of us would stand up for others knowing full well we would be killed for it? I would say Romero was lucky to take a gunshot rather than torture like many other Salvadorans. While massacres, rapes, and torture continued, Romero spoke out.
DISCLAIMER!!! THIS IS A JOURNAL ENTRY AND VERY RAW. IN REAL LIFE I WOULD TRY TO BE MORE TACTFUL AND THIS VENTING DOESN’T TAKE A LOT INTO CONSIDERATION INCLUDING THE HARD WORK PRIESTS DO AND THE PEOPLE WHO ARE REALLY PUSHING. IF YOU READ THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH, YOU CANNOT HOLD IT AGAINST ME!
I wish his speaking during hostility would give other priests and church people the courage to speak where they won’t be killed, but solely create a little discomfort in their parishes. I once heard the argument that the church would loose members that way, but really, if they can’t speak for people, justice, and faith all together, then why (other than money which is a lame excuse) do we want them? (inserted while rereading this…maybe they need the church to serve them more than they can serve the church…I can see that…but I’m not going into it because this is long enough at the moment). Don’t we want people to hear honesty and learn virtues from Jesus’ life? Then why do we sugarcoat it so they can go on with their comfortable lives and not be challenged to change at all? I know I lack the faith in some ways so I get home that’s important in homilies, but if the Catholic Church is a faith through action, then how are we challenging our parishioners to ACT? How come I didn’t know what justice or humanity meant before college yet participated in church CYO and so on? Most churches in Southern IL want to make mass pleasant and comfortable but people aren’t looking at church outside of me and God. If they leave upset it has to do with their failure of relationships with God rather than all of the people….ok I know, kindness towards neighbors are talked about but c’mon. We can enforce that better through action. Tell me people are really changing the way they act towards others when they leave mass. Oh, wait, it’s charity. Don’t get me wrong, charity helps and is needed but unless charity turns into justice it’s doing more harm than good. Ok, maybe not always, but it has the potential. And charity is non-committal. It asks for money or things, not time and energy. Nor does it ask for something harder to give, your heart. Ok enough. I’m getting self-righteous.

Part Three: Faith and stuff from an e-mail to JVI

So today…the power has been out until about 40 mins ago (4am-4pm off) so I’ve been doing a lot of reading and writing, and a great deal of thinking which in my opinion has been fruitful. I was reading my life with the saints again….about St. Ignatius and a little in Arrupe. Jeesh, it’s been intense today. Anyhow, sometimes I think I think about faith too much rather than just believe but I don’t know how to get the thinking out of the way. I also started to wonder if I’m closed to seeing God even though I want to. I regularly ask myself if I’m closed to seeing God in the poor here. My heart broke a little and I was really hard on myself the other day because I struggled with the call of the bible to feed the hungry and the things I’ve been taught through justice and the call of JVI not to be the American’s that people expect to give things…or that American imagine of charity…however to say it. A man was truly trying to sell seashells, but he targets Americans, because frankly, we buy them because they’re huge and cheaper from individuals than hotels, but I didn’t want to buy the shells this particular day, I wanted other ones he had at home…he begged saying he was hungry and really needed the money that day yet I refused trying my hardest to explain why, but he continued. I figured instead of giving him money I would buy him some food, but when I came down to it I screwed up and forgot. I was going to get him a big mango, but at the store they were much more than I thought, and I had some for dinner, and had to put them back. I forgot to buy his with my stipend, and walked past him avoiding him knowing if I stopped he would try to sell the shells again. I felt like I failed the teaching of the bible and the humanity of the man. As it turned out, he was very serious, and asked Tyler to hold his bag for the night because he had no place to sleep and didn’t want to have to worry about someone stealing his bag, and Tyler gave him some bread. I felt horrible…and Caroline reminded me that I was beating myself up, which might be true, but I can’t help but feel guilty. I struggled, and currently struggle so much with charity, justice, and American image. It’s the same walking down the street here. I walk down the street to have men look at me like a piece of meat. I’m not sure how different this is from the Latin America, but I still struggle with it. I so badly want to be friendly and kind to these men, thinking maybe they truly are trying to be kind and welcoming, and about 95% of the time I am reminded how wrong I was and they ask for my phone number, swipe their hand over my butt, or follow me. Yesterday I was walking to Assa looking for an internet card around 5, and on the way I ran into two drunk guys. I walked around them as the guy in front of my stopped to talk to them. I read this situation as this man trying to distract them so they didn’t bother me, and ended up saying hello to this guy, who then joined me and asked if I was married and had a phone number telling me how beautiful I am. This man was probably 55!!!! I walked away frustrated at what I thought was kindness, was complete grossness. Yet I still beat myself up for being a cold hearted bitch to men here and ignoring them as they try to get my attention. I guess it’s just part of Chuuk.
Anyhow these situations I feel make it hard for me to do as Arrupe experienced with the poor in Latin America on pages 107-108 in My life with the Saints. I have a shield up to protect myself from above situations that I don’t let myself see the beauty of God in some of the people here…and sometimes I just think I have that shield up to have it up…maybe because of my time in El Salvador and my fear of breaking in that way again…but I remember talking to Kristin Leonetti at Discernment weekend and explaining how I really hoped to find the balance between the too vulnerable me in El Salvador and the closed, protected me there was in Nicaragua. I don’t know if I’ve found that. I fear there is still the protected me from Nica…the one that doesn’t let things in for fear of breaking too much, and setting myself up for disappointment of what I read as a loving action, which is not. I read that part that Arrupe talked about and questioned why I don’t see god in the way here. Yet maybe I do sometimes with my students.
Still about faith, but changing a little, recently I had a conversation with a seminarian here who warned me not to miss out on God’s love and told me about the difference of knowledge seeking faith, and faith seeking knowledge. I kinda think I’m at the point that I’m knowledge seeking faith, and I need the faith first. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. Additionally, Sr. Jane, a Filipino sister here told me that faith is simple, it’s not to be thought about…but I think about EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING! I asked her if she ever felt like she lost sight of God and she said no…That truly confused me. So today I was journaling my little heart out, because it’s what I’ve begun to do to process life as I used to do in conversation. This will be long, but I hope it helps explain where I’m at, as I want to share it with someone right now, and thought maybe you would have thoughts. So, this is from my journal more about where I’m at in faith or thinking today:
I think the way I try to live my life for the best and right reasons pleases God. I think my desire to know God pleases God, and plenty I do does not please God. I questions sometimes if I’m faithful enough to live my life for God. Am I living my life for God? For me? I always say for others and God is within the others, they are god, but do I relate the two enough to say it’s for God? …………..Anyhow really though, who am I living my life for? I wanta say God but I don’t do that intentionally I don’t think. It’s comforting to me to know that I believe in God. The existence of something larger than myself isn’t hard. Looking around the world, I know God exists. I know I’m living in a universe larger than myself and power and passion of human beings comes from outside of ourselves. The beauty in the world, sunsets, oceans, trees, flowers, joy, laughter-God is around and loves us. The opportunity to be happy, love and be at peace is from God. A good God who wants us to enjoy life and have love in our hears. I also believe fully that I’m doing ok in the God dept. because of the part that says faith, hope and love, but love is the greatest. I feel like I’m doing well in understanding love. I’m not perfect at loving others but I do my darnedest and believe that people really need love. Love fills my hear and sometimes love makes my heart hurt and me cry. I think of people I really love, and I get overwhelmed by their beauty and goodness and I cry-esp. when I feel their pain and see their goodness at the same time. Some might say loving too much is bad, and might say that’s what I do at times, but I think I’m ok with that. I love to love and feel real when I love others. It’s one of my stronger qualities I think-although I fall short plenty. Ok, I almost listed how I fail at loving, but in my attempt to be more positive, I love well and no one is perfect. Sure, I fail sometimes, but I still do it well.
I also think I have faith and hope. I have hope for my students, the world, people and myself. I also have hope in situations. I’ve been told I’m idealistic and need to work on being realistic. Well, sure, maybe, but if I don’t loose sight of what is and isn’t possible then I don’t think I’m TOO idealistic, just idealistic. I’ll take that. I like to hope for a better world and the possibility of people working together for that change. I like to see something and strive for it to be great. Maybe I get let down, but at least I went in with hope and a dream. I’d say that’s better than giving up before the start. So hope. I guess I have that. And Faith…I feel like in our world faith is the most important. The Bible says love, but the church seems to emphasize faith more than hope and love. Does that mean I’m missing something-very possibly, or are they forgetting something? Maybe, or maybe both. I already said this, but I have faith in God. I don’t have the closeness to God I wish for or the intimate feelings of God being right next to me even though I can ID God in the interactions through the day, but God in my hear, I don’t ID much. I long for that and love for Jesus. I think I really relate to Jesus’ life-but FAITH…”Christian Faith,” I’m unsure. And I feel stupid, guilty, blind, and as if I’m denying Jesus as I search to know Him. I don’t wanta be one of those people who asks for a sign or to see Jesus. I block myself from giving up I think. Not giving up on Jesus, but giving up the ability to know for sure I’m right, surrendering myself…I try but I don’t think it comes fully from my heart. The desire might, but the full surrender and powerlessness does not. I wonder if Jesus looks down at me shaking his head saying, “you sill girl. Just give up and be with me. Just give up needing to know and have faith. Just let it be-let my existence and my love enter you.” And I agree, but HOW? How do I do that? Is it jut saying yes I believe over and over when asked? Not always being honest with uncertainty but not denying-then I’ll start to believe myself? How do I get to know Jesus and not question his divinity? How do I stop questioning other religions truth? Do I say all religions are right, but they lack Jesus and maybe that’s ok if they can believe in God’s love fully without Jesus? I think that’s fair, but Ty says be careful without knowing Jesus. Don’t speak of what’s ok without knowing things Jesus says…but will the Bible change my mind to think the Christianity is the most right? To think that others are missing something in their faith? I don’t think I could ever judge that. First, although I do judge-and hard-as every human does, it’s not my place to say, not do I think I could ever honestly think that-but who knows what the future holds.…..
So there it is…sorry it’s so long. I’m sure you’re busy, but I just wanted to share a little about where I’m at today, what JVI is doing with me at this present moment, and confusions. I so desire for Jesus, and a Christian faith, yet don’t know how to get there. That’s the biggest thing. Maybe I could have just said that rather than typing so much journaling, but, whatever. I really think today has been good for me though.
Peace,
Jessica
PPS. it’s raining and that makes life a little more peaceful at the moment.

Part Four: Further concluding update

I’m starting to do really well here I think. It’s taken some time and of course I’m still struggling and missing things at home like friends, family, yogurt, cheese, veggies, movie theaters, and so on, but I’m getting happier and happier here as I see my uses here. Even though some students probably think I’m horrible, I can see in others true relationships and reasons for being here. Today my silent retreat has been wonderful. I’ve been thinking a lot, and obviously it gets lonely, but it was much needed. I went off island again Thursday to Ut, and I loved it. I got to see WWII cannons, another island with simplicity, and go swimming. It was wonderful. I was also able to contact home and talk to my mom and Kati which was refreshing. I know I’m growing here although at times I’m not sure how. As I told dad, it’s challenging figuring out who I am and trying to use my gifts, talents, passions, and serve the greatest need. I’m trying to figure out what that is, and figure out where my faith lays. I still find power outages annoying and love AC. I find music life giving and beautiful and realize that I have little to really complain about. Sure I’m in another country with less material things, but that doesn’t control my happiness. I’m lucky to have a great community and great people at home to support me. Although we live paycheck to paycheck, I do not have to worry about things being provided for me. I’m very lucky. I know I’m doing my best to live my life to the best of my ability and to be as true to myself while being as kind and loving as I possibly can, and that’s something that I can be proud of. I’m not perfect, and in fact far from it, but I am me, and I’m learning more and more to be ok with that. I don’t always like being different than most people at home, in fact I find that very hard to have to defend my beliefs all the time, and I wish I could be more like everyone at home, my family, and people I grew up with, but I never will be again. I sometimes hate being the crazy liberal person from rural IL, but that’s me. I cannot change what made me this way, and in some ways, I love it. I wish I could be more understanding and more understood, but I’m just going to go on loving as best I can. This is me, and I’m growing. I’m trying to be a better person, more humble, and relatable, but as we all do, I fail sometimes. It’s a beautiful life though. And I’m going to end here. If you made it this far, you should comment so I can tell you how amazed I am-and maybe that you have too much time on your hands!!!  I miss you all and can’t wait to hug you and be physically present with you!
Peace, Love, and Coconuts,
Jessica