Last night was the last night sleeping at my house. today is the last day at Dos Generaciones. Yea...so i realized today that i don´t want to leave Nica. I am ready for the program to be over, but leaving Nica I am not so ready for. I would love to live here with a little more control over my life and a little more time for myself. I almost cried this morning because i was playing with Mariann. She is so close to walking and i just love that baby so much. Yesterday my mom brought me and the family to her hometown as a special day with me, and i said to my sister here that she was going to miss me and she just told me that i would miss her too. My host mom made me an outfit...which i´m a little scared of how it´s goign to look but its the thought. I cannot believe she made me cloths...like really made them. crazy! I feel like i should be there more...its hard that we are not and i always feel guilty. ahhh...i cant believe i´m leaving. today at dos generaciones there are balloons and streamers in the office we´re always in and a sign that says hasta la vista baby! haha. Goodbyes suck because they are always so thoughtful and i remember what all i have. I am though so excited to see everyone at home and be in more control of my life. I have realized that I think i could live here, but that I also really appriciate my own car, warm showers, washing machines, and air conditioning. all those expensive things that are luxuries....i really like them. haha.
In general tho, my emotions are all around. they are really sad because of leaving some great people, really excited and even a little nurvous to go back to salvador, and excited to see people at home too. I am excited to be there for jacki as she plans the wedding, and for all my other friends just to be there. i am excited to go boating with my family, and take a little time for myself without feeling guilty that i dont spend enough time with people. Guilt has been a huge self inflicted feeling i have experienced here. I wish i knew when i should feel guilty for soemthing and when it is just me worrying and thinkign too much, because lets be honast, i surely think too much. thats why sometimes i actually like to watch tv, because i dont think all deep. it gets annoying.
Well, less than two weeks and i will be seeing people. I leave here tuesday for el salvador. Wednesday (16) i´m going to Cedro with Sor Lidia until Thursday(17), Friday(18) with Danielle, Saturday(19) and Sunday(20) with William, Monday(21) beach Tuesday(22) i think with Danielle or chris before i go to the airport on the 23rd...wow. i´ll be home before we know it!
Thats the plan. Today we´re leaving for the beach in Leon and a retreat tomorrow. Sunday we´`re going to church with our families and have the day in the bario until 7ish...then i dont know what i´m doing exactly monday. i have a few thoughts but i dont know how they´ll work out. ok. love ya´ll and seeyou soon!
Friday, July 11, 2008
Sunday, July 6, 2008
I think the church in terms of the Catholic church is full of hypocrites in general looking at the churches i´ve been to and am around most. The people do not know what social justice is. I don't think church leaders try to push people either. it is really hard to be part of a church that closes it´s doors to so many too. we met two wonderful lesbian couples this week and they were so loving and felt injustice and oppression that no one should experience. the fact is, a church should love and be open to everyone. As far as Nica and Romero, it is depressing that there were not more religious leaders helping, but rather the catholic church has seemed harmful here. At the same time, the UCA has opened their doors to GBLT workshops and Joe Mulligan is raved about. I know he´s from the U.S., but he is church leader here who is doing great work. not only him, but also people like Jon Sobrino and Dean Brackley. It still sucks though that we have to really look up to people like them who are doing what everyone should be doing-at least in my opinion. I think tho, that there are a lot of great people doing great things, but unless they die, it is not noticed. I wish good people wouldn't have to die to inspire others through their lives. I think we should be inspired through the Luis´s of the world who love and work for justice every day, or the Mark Chmiels who put people before anything else and constantly make time to patiently be with people.
Back to the topic though, As a Catholic or christian after being here is has become increasingly harder to think that the christian or catholic church is right because there is so much that they do not do. It is as if believing and having spirituality is the only factor while people are dying. I cannot understand a religion that the majority of the people turn their backs on the suffering of others and cling to ignorance rather than trying to see and learn from the reality of others. Ignorance is just as bad as being the person inflicting the injustice because by choosing ignorance, we are ultimately choosing not to help others and therefore, probably harming them more. It´s like the story about they came for the Jews and i didn't say anything because i wasn't a Jew, then they came for the Muslims and i didnt say anything because i wasn't Muslim then they came for the Christians and no one said anything because there was no one left. we are screwing ourselves in the end. The church doesn't respond to the needs of today's society, the poor, the homosexual, the oppressed, the exploited...I think it is out of fear of loosing people and to keep a little power at the top. I believe there are greedy and power hungry priests too. So to bind myself to this church...i dont know. I think recognizing problems and staying in it means working from within, where sometimes you are seen as too radical and have to be silenced to be heard a little. I also think though that if you leave, there is no way to be listened to at all and it stays the same. I dont know if it could become impossible to be bond to that church. Maybe if you stop believing in anything the church stands for...yes, because then it will be more frustration and keep one from doing anything good while trying to fight to change something they think is totally wrong...These are no real answers tho.
What do i feel called to do with my life???? hahaha. is this a joke? I have no idea and being here just makes things even less clear. It raises more answers. Sure, i know i don't want to by name brand anything because i see so many big corporations that are everywhere and that wealth should be shared. I know that i want to support coffee cooperatives instead of Folgers, and i know that some things about me will change, but what i am going to do with my life i have no idea. I´ll continue with social work, look into JVI more, and other two year programs or experiences, continue working with international populations and having patience with people who struggle with the language, and continue to have compassion for people. I will try to stay connected with people and love people. Laugh, smile, try to make others smile...make people feel important. I am so lost tho as to what i want to do after i graduate. I mean, I am really interested in JVI, but i also realize that i would love to come back to Nica, or at least some Spanish speaking country and Nica would be great because i have relationships here and could better let those great people i know realize how important they are to me. At the same time, I hear my mom and other family saying they dont want me to, and realizing how much i will miss if i leave. I also realize i don't have the choice of where i go. Ultimately it has to be my decision i know, but it is a hard one, and even if i apply, i dont know i will be accepted.
Past that, going to grad school is a scary thing i don't feel ready for. I have no idea if i want to do family and individual work or community work. They both are so great. There are so many things i could do with that. I mean, with community i could work to educate people about immigration and work with immigration policy which would be fabulous. I could help leaders realize they are leaders and teach communities what they really can do as a community. At the same time, i could really be with people on an individual level and make them individually see their own talents and abilities while being patient and loving with them. I could work with children who have incredible potential and abilities that they are discovering and set up programs for them. I wish i could open an organization like Dos Generaciones where there is community work going on, but there is a lot of individual work happening too with counseling and art programs. Even though there are some structural problems there, the idea behind the program is amazing, and they really have the stance that the people have to want to do it, and explain the huge huge difference between charity and justice. Charity sucks in my opinion. Don't give people things. They will rely on that. Help them to work for it...that is the only way to change the system. Give them the resources to work for it. If we want to give money, give it to justice programs that know how to use the money to help people live more justly and substainalbly...because after we give, their life goes on and they run out of what we gave, but if we help them to improve their lives, they can withhold that themselves. So yea, i don't know what i´m doing with my life. I think that is one of the most scary parts of returning home...i don't know, and i don't know how to explain why i am so confused about what to do with my life and what is the best way to use myself for and with others.
Back to the topic though, As a Catholic or christian after being here is has become increasingly harder to think that the christian or catholic church is right because there is so much that they do not do. It is as if believing and having spirituality is the only factor while people are dying. I cannot understand a religion that the majority of the people turn their backs on the suffering of others and cling to ignorance rather than trying to see and learn from the reality of others. Ignorance is just as bad as being the person inflicting the injustice because by choosing ignorance, we are ultimately choosing not to help others and therefore, probably harming them more. It´s like the story about they came for the Jews and i didn't say anything because i wasn't a Jew, then they came for the Muslims and i didnt say anything because i wasn't Muslim then they came for the Christians and no one said anything because there was no one left. we are screwing ourselves in the end. The church doesn't respond to the needs of today's society, the poor, the homosexual, the oppressed, the exploited...I think it is out of fear of loosing people and to keep a little power at the top. I believe there are greedy and power hungry priests too. So to bind myself to this church...i dont know. I think recognizing problems and staying in it means working from within, where sometimes you are seen as too radical and have to be silenced to be heard a little. I also think though that if you leave, there is no way to be listened to at all and it stays the same. I dont know if it could become impossible to be bond to that church. Maybe if you stop believing in anything the church stands for...yes, because then it will be more frustration and keep one from doing anything good while trying to fight to change something they think is totally wrong...These are no real answers tho.
What do i feel called to do with my life???? hahaha. is this a joke? I have no idea and being here just makes things even less clear. It raises more answers. Sure, i know i don't want to by name brand anything because i see so many big corporations that are everywhere and that wealth should be shared. I know that i want to support coffee cooperatives instead of Folgers, and i know that some things about me will change, but what i am going to do with my life i have no idea. I´ll continue with social work, look into JVI more, and other two year programs or experiences, continue working with international populations and having patience with people who struggle with the language, and continue to have compassion for people. I will try to stay connected with people and love people. Laugh, smile, try to make others smile...make people feel important. I am so lost tho as to what i want to do after i graduate. I mean, I am really interested in JVI, but i also realize that i would love to come back to Nica, or at least some Spanish speaking country and Nica would be great because i have relationships here and could better let those great people i know realize how important they are to me. At the same time, I hear my mom and other family saying they dont want me to, and realizing how much i will miss if i leave. I also realize i don't have the choice of where i go. Ultimately it has to be my decision i know, but it is a hard one, and even if i apply, i dont know i will be accepted.
Past that, going to grad school is a scary thing i don't feel ready for. I have no idea if i want to do family and individual work or community work. They both are so great. There are so many things i could do with that. I mean, with community i could work to educate people about immigration and work with immigration policy which would be fabulous. I could help leaders realize they are leaders and teach communities what they really can do as a community. At the same time, i could really be with people on an individual level and make them individually see their own talents and abilities while being patient and loving with them. I could work with children who have incredible potential and abilities that they are discovering and set up programs for them. I wish i could open an organization like Dos Generaciones where there is community work going on, but there is a lot of individual work happening too with counseling and art programs. Even though there are some structural problems there, the idea behind the program is amazing, and they really have the stance that the people have to want to do it, and explain the huge huge difference between charity and justice. Charity sucks in my opinion. Don't give people things. They will rely on that. Help them to work for it...that is the only way to change the system. Give them the resources to work for it. If we want to give money, give it to justice programs that know how to use the money to help people live more justly and substainalbly...because after we give, their life goes on and they run out of what we gave, but if we help them to improve their lives, they can withhold that themselves. So yea, i don't know what i´m doing with my life. I think that is one of the most scary parts of returning home...i don't know, and i don't know how to explain why i am so confused about what to do with my life and what is the best way to use myself for and with others.
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