So all of my reflections have been with a topic to reflect upon, and i dont really feel like a topic. I so badly need time just to think myself about all the things that are going on here. we have been so incredibly busy. The time i have had at computers i use to read e-mails and write my papers. it is kinda tough sometimes. Then i also use skype to call home, so i dont have much time to really think about things. So much is going on here. I am worried about coming home because i will go from doing soemthing every day, lots of impactful things that i havent had time to think about, to not knowing what to do with myself for another month.
This experience has been so different from el salvador. There are some really amazing people here. My family has been great and i have not had nearly enough time to talk to them and just be with them, but they are fabulous and there are some really great joys being with them. For example, yesterday i played in the rain with my host mom who is about the age of my grandma bonnie. The was great. Grandma, if you are reading this, we need to play in the rain together!!!! haha. It was fabulous. Also, as i have said before the baby is just wonderful. The people at the center that we go to almost every day are beautiful people who i also wish i had more time with. Two months is just not enough to really enter into real relationships with people and be together. It is, but not to know things that you wonder...not to hear all their stories...well, i dont think you can ever do that, but casi (almost, i think casi is a better word for almost).
The things that i am scared of tho, is all of these amazing things that i have done with such strong people, for example, we have heard people speak about sweatshops, we have been to fair trade places, we talk about theology and faith so much. I dont know, i cant reflect the way i did in salvador. I cant think aobut all of this. Seeing children malnurished and living in trash, working, who cant read. ...it has been so hard to see. I can´t really concentrate tho. sorry my reflections suck this time around!!!
Monday, June 23, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Christ the Liberator, theo reflection.
Last night on the bus there were two barefoot children singing for money. There was a woman sitting by the back door asking for three cords from each person that got off, and there was a child that looked to be 5 years old with an IV bandage on her hand and scares that looked to be from chicken pox on the bus. This was on the way home from hearing about conditions in sweatshops here, poverty and working 24 hours straight to feed children, and talking to youth in the area that are trying to do programs to help kids around. That program was inspiring when thinking about the conditions of life here. Today I went to the service again in the CBC which I LOVE because of how ready these people are to praise God and work to better their lives and the lives of others through justice, and then, I played in the rain with my host mom. So yes, I can see Christ as the liberator here, and I think Christ is the liberator. Following Jesus does not mean what the woman preaching on the bus today thinks it means. it is not about proclaiming Jesus Christ as your savior and king, but about living as Christ lived and caring about everyone regardless if they are the tax collector, the adulteress, or where they are from. Christ was about working to give dignity to everyone. To me, saying you are christian but not doing anything for the least of the people in the world, those in jail, those hungry, thirsty, naked, illiterate is to be a hypocrite. The beatitudes say blessed are the ones who seek justice, blessed are the merciful, and so on, they do not say, proclaim Jesus as the way and then go on with your own life, but they are to do something. There are so many places in the bible that say to do something. to help others and really work for improving lives, but those are overlooked. I do not think i am a perfect christian, but especially as catholics, to call ourselves a church of action should not mean that it is a church where we go once a week and then only pray and do nothing else during the week. I don't really know, but i do know that i can see why it is important to see Christ´s life and the way he lived over the Resurrection. I do understand the preferential option for the poor and that being a christian is not about talking, but about doing.
I think playing in the rain was liberating today. i stood in the middle of the street and spun in circles and looked around and thanked God for giving me that rain. That is not the liberator i think of all the time, but it is one of the beautiful parts of liberation. A freeing, detached since. A sense that i can do what i want and not feel shame. I can have control over my own life and not have fear. Everyone should have that opportunity. Personally, i do not care about traditional aspects of Christianity and the fear of the Vatican. Kristin has it right. She said we can only live our lives the best we can now because God is with us in the people, and we have no idea what will come in the future or after we die, but if we live our lives now for the people and leave a better world for future generations we at least know we did the best we could with our lives. It was something like that at least.
I do think that people can have a very personal relationship with God, but within that relationship justice should not be forgotten. I think that personal relationship with God can so easily be within the people too. It does not have to be a power relationship where God has the power and is above us in heaven and we are little munchkins on earth with no power. If we are created in God´s image, we are capable of doing a ton, and why is it up to God to do it if we are capable. Plus, being in God{s image, each person we meet is a part of God. I think some of these things are the changes in my thoughts on faith because they are idea that have come from discussions here with other people. Hearing how others think of God is such an interesting way to change our own thinking because sometimes they really make since. But overall, Christ and God in us are liberators.
Another thing i have thought for a while is that Christ knows what it is like to suffer and be tortured. He suffered and was tortured himself. People suffering of hunger everyday, or of poor work conditions, or all the other suffering in the world, Jesus can understand because not only was he outcast, but he was tortured. Why would people who suffer not be able to relate to this suffering of Christ. I can totally see the reality of people feeling Jesus along with them in their suffering and working for their liberation because he knows what is it like to suffer. He didn't say turn the other cheek to be passive, but more to stir up trouble and push people to think about what they are doing. He tested and pushed people too in order to bring about justice.
I think playing in the rain was liberating today. i stood in the middle of the street and spun in circles and looked around and thanked God for giving me that rain. That is not the liberator i think of all the time, but it is one of the beautiful parts of liberation. A freeing, detached since. A sense that i can do what i want and not feel shame. I can have control over my own life and not have fear. Everyone should have that opportunity. Personally, i do not care about traditional aspects of Christianity and the fear of the Vatican. Kristin has it right. She said we can only live our lives the best we can now because God is with us in the people, and we have no idea what will come in the future or after we die, but if we live our lives now for the people and leave a better world for future generations we at least know we did the best we could with our lives. It was something like that at least.
I do think that people can have a very personal relationship with God, but within that relationship justice should not be forgotten. I think that personal relationship with God can so easily be within the people too. It does not have to be a power relationship where God has the power and is above us in heaven and we are little munchkins on earth with no power. If we are created in God´s image, we are capable of doing a ton, and why is it up to God to do it if we are capable. Plus, being in God{s image, each person we meet is a part of God. I think some of these things are the changes in my thoughts on faith because they are idea that have come from discussions here with other people. Hearing how others think of God is such an interesting way to change our own thinking because sometimes they really make since. But overall, Christ and God in us are liberators.
Another thing i have thought for a while is that Christ knows what it is like to suffer and be tortured. He suffered and was tortured himself. People suffering of hunger everyday, or of poor work conditions, or all the other suffering in the world, Jesus can understand because not only was he outcast, but he was tortured. Why would people who suffer not be able to relate to this suffering of Christ. I can totally see the reality of people feeling Jesus along with them in their suffering and working for their liberation because he knows what is it like to suffer. He didn't say turn the other cheek to be passive, but more to stir up trouble and push people to think about what they are doing. He tested and pushed people too in order to bring about justice.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
it can get hard.
cold early early moning shower, need to do my laundry by hand and i have a ton, my mom here asks how i{m doing and serves me breakfast, i run out the door, jump on an unconfortably cram packed bus and walk into dos generaciones where they generously recieve me excited that i{m back from being sick, and then the electricity goes out and the hellish heat begins again. We take the surveys to the dump to ask the 14-20 year olds about what they know about human rights concerning immigration. Yes, i said we go to the dump to do this. we drive passed houses that has their front and back yard as a huge pile of trash as big as thier house. There is burning trash fumes flying through the air they breath every day. if i never smell burning trash again i will be extremly happy and that much further from gagging....and that is where they live. their houses are made of rusted sheet metal.
my question, where is the dignity in digging through trash to make a living. working in the dump to find recycables to put food on the table for your family. why would anyone have to do that. what has the world done wrong that there are people living in the dump, working in the dump, pulling what they have in their houses out of what other people throw away. other peoples trash is their lives. Human dignity? i dont think there is. We went into a house in the dump to do the survey with a 15 year old girl. her dad came in and told us about how he has lived there all his life. he is illiterate and works all day in the trash and forces his children to go to school so they can leave that life. a little boy ran through the house. oh my God this little boy. he was so dirty and he had that little pot belly that you see in pictures of children who are malnurished. He wasnt sad, he was a child running around, dirty with a pot belly, only wearing shorts, and he really lives in poverty. he lives in the dump with his family who works, but they are still poor due to the structure lack of resources. As we sat there, flys swarmed. It was so unconfortable. There are my flys everywhere in the dump that in any barn i can think of in the states. it{s like a pile of horse poop with flys, one huge pile of horse poop....that is how many flys there are living where these people live....where only flys should live.
I cannot describe what it is to walk through the burning trash, through the dump, into houses there, and then out of the dump, walking into acaualinca and still just into more poverty and more pot bellied children. Those places, those comercials, they are real. i{m sorry but they are. The water running down dirt rodes of houses made of trash...that is real. You dont want your skin to touch that water because you dont know what kind of water it is. Imagine living in that each day. It hurts so much just to walk through it each day i go to service, but living there...
And then i think about God, what i wrote about poverty in the last reflection. It isnt God turning his back on these people or their need for God. It is the people that have resources, that have opportunities. It is the structure and the God in us that have to do something. There are so many calls in the bible to give to people with nothing. To stop for the forgiener (outcast, poor, whatever)as a good samaritain...As christains do we ignore the bible? Do we only do what is confortable in the bible for ourselves? Do we live in a structure that is unjust just because it is easier that challenging that?
I get it...it is like Chan Khong says, I can explain it all i want, but until someone feels it for themselves, until someone is they, they wont get it. They wont leave the confort of their family and lives unless they have experiences it.
These are just thoughts. I think they help me more than anyone...but it is also why i am who i am. I know it can be hard to understand some of my thoughts or why i want to push people further, or why i do what i do, but my answer is from Learning True Love (a book), until you are willing to experiece it, you may never really understand. That is something i need to remember also.
But that dump, that lack of human dignity, that is not right. I don´t think to call ourselves christians and to call ourselves compasionate, we can just say there is nothing we can do about that and not ever try. That to me is a lie and the easy way. That dump makes me want to cry every time i go through. Sending gifts and playing is just a good intention too. That is so hard. I am there with Nicaragians, and i see missionary groups go through handing children toys and having good intentions, but sometimes those intentions are more harmful than good. Sometimes they step on the toes of justice organizations because charity is not going to change injustice. it will be there for a time, and gone the next moment. It never changes the situation. The group comes and gives things, and then after they leave, the people go back to their poverty. i{m going to stop now. This is long, and i{m sure it was not fun to read. I promise, it is not fun to think about and experience either. Think about it though. Human Dignity, Justice vs. Charity, Our call as christians...really, thank you if you read the whole thing.
my question, where is the dignity in digging through trash to make a living. working in the dump to find recycables to put food on the table for your family. why would anyone have to do that. what has the world done wrong that there are people living in the dump, working in the dump, pulling what they have in their houses out of what other people throw away. other peoples trash is their lives. Human dignity? i dont think there is. We went into a house in the dump to do the survey with a 15 year old girl. her dad came in and told us about how he has lived there all his life. he is illiterate and works all day in the trash and forces his children to go to school so they can leave that life. a little boy ran through the house. oh my God this little boy. he was so dirty and he had that little pot belly that you see in pictures of children who are malnurished. He wasnt sad, he was a child running around, dirty with a pot belly, only wearing shorts, and he really lives in poverty. he lives in the dump with his family who works, but they are still poor due to the structure lack of resources. As we sat there, flys swarmed. It was so unconfortable. There are my flys everywhere in the dump that in any barn i can think of in the states. it{s like a pile of horse poop with flys, one huge pile of horse poop....that is how many flys there are living where these people live....where only flys should live.
I cannot describe what it is to walk through the burning trash, through the dump, into houses there, and then out of the dump, walking into acaualinca and still just into more poverty and more pot bellied children. Those places, those comercials, they are real. i{m sorry but they are. The water running down dirt rodes of houses made of trash...that is real. You dont want your skin to touch that water because you dont know what kind of water it is. Imagine living in that each day. It hurts so much just to walk through it each day i go to service, but living there...
And then i think about God, what i wrote about poverty in the last reflection. It isnt God turning his back on these people or their need for God. It is the people that have resources, that have opportunities. It is the structure and the God in us that have to do something. There are so many calls in the bible to give to people with nothing. To stop for the forgiener (outcast, poor, whatever)as a good samaritain...As christains do we ignore the bible? Do we only do what is confortable in the bible for ourselves? Do we live in a structure that is unjust just because it is easier that challenging that?
I get it...it is like Chan Khong says, I can explain it all i want, but until someone feels it for themselves, until someone is they, they wont get it. They wont leave the confort of their family and lives unless they have experiences it.
These are just thoughts. I think they help me more than anyone...but it is also why i am who i am. I know it can be hard to understand some of my thoughts or why i want to push people further, or why i do what i do, but my answer is from Learning True Love (a book), until you are willing to experiece it, you may never really understand. That is something i need to remember also.
But that dump, that lack of human dignity, that is not right. I don´t think to call ourselves christians and to call ourselves compasionate, we can just say there is nothing we can do about that and not ever try. That to me is a lie and the easy way. That dump makes me want to cry every time i go through. Sending gifts and playing is just a good intention too. That is so hard. I am there with Nicaragians, and i see missionary groups go through handing children toys and having good intentions, but sometimes those intentions are more harmful than good. Sometimes they step on the toes of justice organizations because charity is not going to change injustice. it will be there for a time, and gone the next moment. It never changes the situation. The group comes and gives things, and then after they leave, the people go back to their poverty. i{m going to stop now. This is long, and i{m sure it was not fun to read. I promise, it is not fun to think about and experience either. Think about it though. Human Dignity, Justice vs. Charity, Our call as christians...really, thank you if you read the whole thing.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
another theo reflection
quick update before that, Jacki and Josh are engaged and i am super excited for them. They are going to make some of the best married people in the world. congratulate them for me some more because i´m kinda far away. my spanish is still getting better and i still love babies. i am feeling kinda sick still, but getting better. i decided to come to the computer lab that i am at right now because i am sick and tired of the deadly heat...haha. and a tiny bit homesick, but i will get over it. don´t worry. i´ve been here a month, and have about another month before i get home. Then i want to go boating and sleep in air conditioning and have my dog bite me on the nose after she gives me a kiss...jump down and run in circles and finally calm down and let me snuggle with her. oh, but here...i still have lots of mothers taking care of me. thats what women here do, they mother and take care of people and they are realy good at it. so mom and grandma and whoever else, dont worry, i have people mothering me and making sure i´m doing alright. love you all!
Jessica*
Reflection
I find this question the hardest of all to write about. Poverty is a hard subject, as is my understanding of God. At first the poverty here did not seem to bother me. It was just part of being in Central America again and I even looked around the city and did not see as densely packed hillsides with casas de carton. We got to our houses and they dont really seem like extreme poverty either, they are uncomfortable sometimes with the heat, and they are not over flowing with money and resources, but compared to other houses i had seen, we´re living the high life in Nica. Then it hit me, as i spent some time in Acaualinca I noticed the extreme poverty and lack of dignity that some those people live through every day. Working in in garbage dump is no way to go about life. living in a house made of rusted pieces of sheet metal probably found in the garbage is no way to live. This just isn't fair that their resources come from the garbage and mine come from my parents and my privileged life.
The day since leaving the dump, and to this day i cannot get the images out of my head. I cant get the image of walking into pictures that i have seen out of my head either as i walk through Acaualinca and the surrounding area. It makes me sick to think of people living like that while. Then i think of being homesick, and how i really just want my room and my mom, and i realize that the confort of my house is sick compared to the houses i have seen here. It is a huge struggle for me to feel thankful and not guilty, or to juggle the questions of what is ok and what is not. what are we supposed to do, and what is stepping on cultural lines. There are no clear answers and there never will be, so it just becomes a frustrating circle of never ending larger analytical questions that i have had since el salvador.
Then throwing God into the mix...I haven't had the time to take with God as I would like to. I pushed God out of the picture until i need something again, or until i have to think about God with these reflections. It seems easier not to think about God than to try to work on that relationship and get more frustrated. AND THEN, to put God into poverty. shit. People here always say Gracias a Dios, and really seem to mean it. Doña Nieves tells about all the miracles of her life, and how much God has done for her life. She has incredible faith which sometimes intimidates me from saying anything about my confusion because i do not want a lecture on faith, which i dont think she would lecture me, but i dont want to put the possibility out there. Anyhow, sometimes i do see God in the poor. I see the struggling, human Jesus. I see people connecting with that God at least. I see the joy they get from knowing God was were they were one time and that the human God was here to understand them, and love them. I see God in what we learned about the Bible and what the bible says about the poor, economics, and structure. I dont know if i actually see God there, but i see the possible relationships maybe. I see how people could have an attachment with Jesus here. I see the beauty in the love the poor give too. My host mom says she doesnt have money to give, but she has all the love in the world to share and she can do that. I love that. It is so true too. she has been taking care of me as i´ve been sick, and doing it without complaint. She laughs all the time and is willing to talk to anyone forever. haha. she loves to talk and be with people. I think that is why i love to be with her. she is so willing to share her life with me. I have not shared a lot of my life with her though. i am sharing this experience with her and the struggles and questions i have here, but i havent told her anything about my past, or my relationships at home.
Overall though, Sometimes i think God betrayed the poor, other times i am hopeful that God is walking with them in their struggles and their time with God is that much richer because of their journeys together and similar struggle. Depending on what mood you get me in depends on what I think of God and the poor that day. I guess we´ll know what the reason for this poverty is when we get to heaven, but right now, i think we are all the reason. God is within each and every one of us, so it is not the God in heaven that has betrayed the poor, it is the God in each and every one of us that hasnt done our part to help them and be with them. that God within us is the one turning our backs on the poor. The poor will always be with us if we always turn our backs on them and to the God within us that calls us to do greater things to help them.
Jessica*
Reflection
I find this question the hardest of all to write about. Poverty is a hard subject, as is my understanding of God. At first the poverty here did not seem to bother me. It was just part of being in Central America again and I even looked around the city and did not see as densely packed hillsides with casas de carton. We got to our houses and they dont really seem like extreme poverty either, they are uncomfortable sometimes with the heat, and they are not over flowing with money and resources, but compared to other houses i had seen, we´re living the high life in Nica. Then it hit me, as i spent some time in Acaualinca I noticed the extreme poverty and lack of dignity that some those people live through every day. Working in in garbage dump is no way to go about life. living in a house made of rusted pieces of sheet metal probably found in the garbage is no way to live. This just isn't fair that their resources come from the garbage and mine come from my parents and my privileged life.
The day since leaving the dump, and to this day i cannot get the images out of my head. I cant get the image of walking into pictures that i have seen out of my head either as i walk through Acaualinca and the surrounding area. It makes me sick to think of people living like that while. Then i think of being homesick, and how i really just want my room and my mom, and i realize that the confort of my house is sick compared to the houses i have seen here. It is a huge struggle for me to feel thankful and not guilty, or to juggle the questions of what is ok and what is not. what are we supposed to do, and what is stepping on cultural lines. There are no clear answers and there never will be, so it just becomes a frustrating circle of never ending larger analytical questions that i have had since el salvador.
Then throwing God into the mix...I haven't had the time to take with God as I would like to. I pushed God out of the picture until i need something again, or until i have to think about God with these reflections. It seems easier not to think about God than to try to work on that relationship and get more frustrated. AND THEN, to put God into poverty. shit. People here always say Gracias a Dios, and really seem to mean it. Doña Nieves tells about all the miracles of her life, and how much God has done for her life. She has incredible faith which sometimes intimidates me from saying anything about my confusion because i do not want a lecture on faith, which i dont think she would lecture me, but i dont want to put the possibility out there. Anyhow, sometimes i do see God in the poor. I see the struggling, human Jesus. I see people connecting with that God at least. I see the joy they get from knowing God was were they were one time and that the human God was here to understand them, and love them. I see God in what we learned about the Bible and what the bible says about the poor, economics, and structure. I dont know if i actually see God there, but i see the possible relationships maybe. I see how people could have an attachment with Jesus here. I see the beauty in the love the poor give too. My host mom says she doesnt have money to give, but she has all the love in the world to share and she can do that. I love that. It is so true too. she has been taking care of me as i´ve been sick, and doing it without complaint. She laughs all the time and is willing to talk to anyone forever. haha. she loves to talk and be with people. I think that is why i love to be with her. she is so willing to share her life with me. I have not shared a lot of my life with her though. i am sharing this experience with her and the struggles and questions i have here, but i havent told her anything about my past, or my relationships at home.
Overall though, Sometimes i think God betrayed the poor, other times i am hopeful that God is walking with them in their struggles and their time with God is that much richer because of their journeys together and similar struggle. Depending on what mood you get me in depends on what I think of God and the poor that day. I guess we´ll know what the reason for this poverty is when we get to heaven, but right now, i think we are all the reason. God is within each and every one of us, so it is not the God in heaven that has betrayed the poor, it is the God in each and every one of us that hasnt done our part to help them and be with them. that God within us is the one turning our backs on the poor. The poor will always be with us if we always turn our backs on them and to the God within us that calls us to do greater things to help them.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
family reflection for theo class
Babies....there is no doubt i´m going to have children because rocking Mariann to sleep is one of the most peaceful experiences i have had since being here. That baby is loved. So many people come by the house and talk to her, her mom and grandma are great to her and she has everything she needs. I cant explain how neat it is to look at her little hands and wonder where they will be and what their future is. On the contrary, looking at children working in the dump is one of the hardest things to see. Babies living in poverty with little bite marks all over them....it is horrible. But back to christian families, I have always thought of filling up a church pew with a family. I just think that even as much as my faith struggles, the community of church as the morals learned there are so important for children to be in.
This is going to be so scattered. I guess it is perfect time though because i just got done talking to my family which was really nice. i wish i could have just relaxed and talked to them. My best friend just got engaged today too and I just got that news. It is so exciting and neat to think of a christian family now because she got engaged in the church her and Josh met in in high school. They will have a christian family i{m sure. full of love and beauty.
I think living within the family here though just makes me think about how families need love and trust. Good men are hard to come by here, but i have seen how loved the baby in my family is without men. Although i want that man, that father, to have a christian family i don't think that is as important. I think the most important call within a family is to love each other and be there for each other even when things are not as easy.
As far as living with family, well, that is great but hard too. i really enjoy my family. I{d like to spend more time with them, but at the same time, i find myself trying to please them and stay our of their way. They don't act as if i am in their way, but i guess just wanting to be liked is what makes me feel the way i do. For example, the family was going to church this morning, and i really did not want to. I do not enjoy church here much because i don't understand most of it...probably because i don't try to understand but tune it out, but i didn't want to go. I went anyways because I wanted them to know I wanted to be with them.
Sometimes i still feel like a guest in the way that i realize what i would do at home and what i don't do there, or even that i help more here, or feel like i should. i realize how much my family does for me and how much i take for granted. i feel like i{m served here, which i am, but i realized that when i am at my house at home, i am served just as much. i am called when it is time to eat and i go, but here i feel bad and want to do more. at home i don't...but its the same thing, my mom works all day and then cooks and puts the food on the table, and i just go and eat and bring my dishes to the dishwasher. Here i feel guilty about that, but at home i never have. it´s an interesting difference that makes me appreciate what my family does for me.
I am not too uncomfortalbe living here. yes it gets hot, but fans help. cold showers are not too bad after i plunge my head in and am already in it. sometimes it even feels good. I think the uncomfortalbe thing within the family is that i feel odd just walking off and closing my door...and today, i saw a holiday inn, and was like, ooohhh, that looks so nice...and then i realized that it is huge cooperative institution that has made it{s way into a developing country and felt totally wrong about it, but totally wanted to jump in the pool and just relax. It is also a bummer when there is no water because it goes off occasionally. i wish i could come home after a long day and take a cold shower. haha.
All in all though, the family has been a place of peace for me. A place where i watch mother and daughter interact and just love it. It´s family and it´s love, and i love that little baby and all the love she has in her life.
This is going to be so scattered. I guess it is perfect time though because i just got done talking to my family which was really nice. i wish i could have just relaxed and talked to them. My best friend just got engaged today too and I just got that news. It is so exciting and neat to think of a christian family now because she got engaged in the church her and Josh met in in high school. They will have a christian family i{m sure. full of love and beauty.
I think living within the family here though just makes me think about how families need love and trust. Good men are hard to come by here, but i have seen how loved the baby in my family is without men. Although i want that man, that father, to have a christian family i don't think that is as important. I think the most important call within a family is to love each other and be there for each other even when things are not as easy.
As far as living with family, well, that is great but hard too. i really enjoy my family. I{d like to spend more time with them, but at the same time, i find myself trying to please them and stay our of their way. They don't act as if i am in their way, but i guess just wanting to be liked is what makes me feel the way i do. For example, the family was going to church this morning, and i really did not want to. I do not enjoy church here much because i don't understand most of it...probably because i don't try to understand but tune it out, but i didn't want to go. I went anyways because I wanted them to know I wanted to be with them.
Sometimes i still feel like a guest in the way that i realize what i would do at home and what i don't do there, or even that i help more here, or feel like i should. i realize how much my family does for me and how much i take for granted. i feel like i{m served here, which i am, but i realized that when i am at my house at home, i am served just as much. i am called when it is time to eat and i go, but here i feel bad and want to do more. at home i don't...but its the same thing, my mom works all day and then cooks and puts the food on the table, and i just go and eat and bring my dishes to the dishwasher. Here i feel guilty about that, but at home i never have. it´s an interesting difference that makes me appreciate what my family does for me.
I am not too uncomfortalbe living here. yes it gets hot, but fans help. cold showers are not too bad after i plunge my head in and am already in it. sometimes it even feels good. I think the uncomfortalbe thing within the family is that i feel odd just walking off and closing my door...and today, i saw a holiday inn, and was like, ooohhh, that looks so nice...and then i realized that it is huge cooperative institution that has made it{s way into a developing country and felt totally wrong about it, but totally wanted to jump in the pool and just relax. It is also a bummer when there is no water because it goes off occasionally. i wish i could come home after a long day and take a cold shower. haha.
All in all though, the family has been a place of peace for me. A place where i watch mother and daughter interact and just love it. It´s family and it´s love, and i love that little baby and all the love she has in her life.
Friday, June 6, 2008
it´s all about relaxa
I am kinda sad that absolutly no one responded to my last post. i was looking forward to reading what you all thought and sharing that with people. Anyhow, it´s all about relaxa. did you know that if you say a sentence in english to someone who speaks spanish and put an o or a at the end of the last word they will totally understand....NOT!!! haha. it was great. we went to laguna de apoyo to relax. what an adventure. we went totally on public transport which was great and humorous. the first place we were planning to stay was closed so we went searching for another place and found one that Elena told us about. It all worked out. Sunday before we left this man from the US came and was trying to teach a Nica how to swim, he couldnt speak spanish, and the nica couldnt speak english, so the man goes, first, its about the perro and tried to show him how to doggy paddle, and then he said in a loud voice as if the nica could understand if he said it louder, ITS ALL ABOUT RELAXA! haha. oh gosh! It was nice to get away for a bit tho and just be on our own.
This week has been full tho. Sometimes really great, and other times really really hard. It wasnice because we've had some afternoons free, but today was really hard. First, i started my service site, which thus far i have done absolutly no service. It is a really great organization that does a lot of community organizing so i have gotten to see so much with that. it has been really great to see and get a sample of that. there are some women leaders in the community and just some really great things going on. The organization is about justice rather than charity. Today i was talking to some kids at an education hand washing and teeth brushing workshop, and they were telling me i spoke english and they knew that beacuse of my blue eyes. itwas funny. they drew me a picture and everything. they were really cute kids. The whole day i felt like people were pointing out that im a chele as they say here, or gringo, or white person in general. its kinda hard to have that pointed out all the time and have people yelling down the street noticing you. Then...we went to the garbage dump. That was incredibly hard. it made me want to be sick. i really honstly saw a house made of cardboard. people were working to find food in the same places that cows and pigs were. they bath where the cows were standing which has trash in it....a contaminated pond. I cannot explain the living conditions of these people. It was not human dignity there. No way. kids do this, men and women, elderly...they pull out plastic, glass, metal and sell it. they get sick...it is trash. it smells, and i just want to cry. its horrible. i dont get it. I dont know how to explain it other than it makes my heart hurt. I guess i do understand when people say i couldnt do that...because i could not live along side of that. i{m sure i{ll say a little more about that eventally, but i think i need more time to refelct on it. WOW...or as they say here. PUCHICA!!! there is no dignity. I´m trying to get away from feeling guilt, but seeing things like that, how could i not feel guilty that i have so much, and they nothing. and how do we bring justice to that. not charity, but justice. i just dont know.
On the bright side, dos generacions is trying to work with that the people there and some people have gotten out of that cycle of viololence (which children experience so much here, physical, sexual...). Also, my family is great. They are fun and i enjoy being with them. i can talk to them,and well, i feel like i got the best family. I have no complaints about them. They are fun and loving. They give hugs and joke. I really enjoy that and i even got to rock the baby to sleep a couple of nights. sometime i{ll post photos because my sister tooks tons of Mariann, the baby.
anyhow, mom, sorry this was not all lighter as asked, but well, sometimes things in developing countries are more real than they are happy and sometimes the reality is happy, but today, in the dump, it was not happy. it was sickening. i love and miss you all!
Love,
Jessica
This week has been full tho. Sometimes really great, and other times really really hard. It wasnice because we've had some afternoons free, but today was really hard. First, i started my service site, which thus far i have done absolutly no service. It is a really great organization that does a lot of community organizing so i have gotten to see so much with that. it has been really great to see and get a sample of that. there are some women leaders in the community and just some really great things going on. The organization is about justice rather than charity. Today i was talking to some kids at an education hand washing and teeth brushing workshop, and they were telling me i spoke english and they knew that beacuse of my blue eyes. itwas funny. they drew me a picture and everything. they were really cute kids. The whole day i felt like people were pointing out that im a chele as they say here, or gringo, or white person in general. its kinda hard to have that pointed out all the time and have people yelling down the street noticing you. Then...we went to the garbage dump. That was incredibly hard. it made me want to be sick. i really honstly saw a house made of cardboard. people were working to find food in the same places that cows and pigs were. they bath where the cows were standing which has trash in it....a contaminated pond. I cannot explain the living conditions of these people. It was not human dignity there. No way. kids do this, men and women, elderly...they pull out plastic, glass, metal and sell it. they get sick...it is trash. it smells, and i just want to cry. its horrible. i dont get it. I dont know how to explain it other than it makes my heart hurt. I guess i do understand when people say i couldnt do that...because i could not live along side of that. i{m sure i{ll say a little more about that eventally, but i think i need more time to refelct on it. WOW...or as they say here. PUCHICA!!! there is no dignity. I´m trying to get away from feeling guilt, but seeing things like that, how could i not feel guilty that i have so much, and they nothing. and how do we bring justice to that. not charity, but justice. i just dont know.
On the bright side, dos generacions is trying to work with that the people there and some people have gotten out of that cycle of viololence (which children experience so much here, physical, sexual...). Also, my family is great. They are fun and i enjoy being with them. i can talk to them,and well, i feel like i got the best family. I have no complaints about them. They are fun and loving. They give hugs and joke. I really enjoy that and i even got to rock the baby to sleep a couple of nights. sometime i{ll post photos because my sister tooks tons of Mariann, the baby.
anyhow, mom, sorry this was not all lighter as asked, but well, sometimes things in developing countries are more real than they are happy and sometimes the reality is happy, but today, in the dump, it was not happy. it was sickening. i love and miss you all!
Love,
Jessica
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