So I am home. I have been home since the 23rd of July and is has been a lot easier than the last time, but man am i bored. So much happened in the last two months that I cannot even begin to explain, but i was ready in some ways to come home. I have really enjoyed some things that i now consider guilty pleasures, but yet pleasures. For example, air conditioning, my car, hot showers, and swimming in pools or going boating. These are luxuries that I am very grateful to have. To be perfectly honest, i am alright being home and soaking these things up. There are people i miss no doubt and things i would like to still be doing in the way of seeing and experiencing. The only struggle i'm really having being home this time is being incredibly bored and wanting to be around people. I feel like i have a lot of things to do alone, but i just want to be around people. I think that is my biggest culture shock right now is the lack of togetherness here. So if you are reading this...get me out of my house and around other people!!!! PLEASE!!!
On another note, before i came home i went back to El Salvador. That was a beautiful time. I went back to my praxis site, El Cedro and a lot had changed but all good changed. They have a garden there now to grow plants, there is running water accessible to anyone and def. more clean than what they probably used before. They are doing more artisan stuff to sell, and there is another teacher there so the pre-school and kinder garden groups can have their own time and space. It was really neat to be able to understand better and communicate myself. It is amazing what you hear and notice when you hear the words people use. For example, where i stayed in Cedro, the husband asked if i was here because i had to come for business or something, and the wife said, "no, i think she is here because she cares about us." It was really great to be able to hear that they know that. Just little funny things too, or anything in general was nice to understand. I think I may have forgotten how much people in Cedro struggle for life tho and to feed their family. I forgot how hard the cycle is there and hearing people still talk about the gangs and the violence was real again. I got to spend the day before Cedro with Sor Lidia which was nice. She is an inspiring woman. I am a little sad to know that she is going to be leaving El Salvador in January and being placed somewhere else, but to hear what she wants to do, and through that to see how much she loves people was great. She would like to work in Haiti, or work with gangs, or she could be working with immigrants in Guatemala/Mexico, or something else, but the work she could be doing is just splendid and what she already has done too is something amazing.
After time in Cedro and with Sor, I went to see my friend Danielle who is working for 2 years in El Salvador and went out to dinner and just had a really chill night. She is so peaceful and true to herself-really one of the best people to be around and have a conversation with. She seems to understand a lot more and be so present to whoever she is with. I got to sleep in that day before i went out to Tepecoyo to visit my good friend Wiliam.
Wiliam is the night guard for the program i stayed with and i talked o him a lot at night. He is very insightful, joyous, and just a wonderful person. I took a bus out to Tepecoyo to visit him and his wonderful family. Firstly I was so proud of myself to take the bus by myself and not be incredibly scared out of my mind. That was a big thing for me this time when i went back...I got over being scared a little and realized that if something is going to happen there is nothing i can do about it so why worry so much. Anyhow, the time with Wiliam was AMAZING!!!! Going back to Cedro just to see him and his family is so worth it. I laid in hammocks a lot, I made tortillas, played monopoly, laughed and looked out over the other mountains. I cannot explain how peaceful it was to be there. That family is really something special to me. I really do not know how to explain how peaceful and joyous that time was with them. I was able to tell wiliam that i talked about him in a presentation i did at school because i could see God in him. Even tho God is a struggle for me, Wiliam is one place i see God. I really did not want to leave when i did, but i had other "dates" that day to be at and it turned out to be another really good day.
I went back to the Casa. Oh, insert, the first time i went back there during the day Lidia answered the door and she did not know i was coming or anything and she opens the door and goes "JESSICA!!!!" and said, wow, you remember my name! haha. They have so many students that go through those doors. I was so surprised that she remembered me. That was beautiful. Anyhow, back to the day. I went back and found a note that my lunch date was cancelled but it turned out ok because i was able to spend some time with the kitchen staff that day, take a nap, and just be a little. That day Lidia made me a necklace with the artisan stuff they were doing which was a fabulous gift and she also gave me some banana bread she made. AHHH!!! haha. Lidia's home cooking! Her and Lupita sat down with me a while to catch up too which was exciting. Oh, i got jugolandia that day too...anyone that has been to Salvi understands!!! ahhh, the best juice bar in the world i think. Anyhow, before dinner i got to catch up with an old Casa friend Chris who was in Salvi at the same time. It was great to have an hour together, but i wish it could have been more. He is really awesome and there was so much to talk about, but just being back together in each others presence was great for me. Oh, In also got to catch up with Kevin, one of the program coordinators which was nice.
That night I had plans to hang out with Julio and Neto. It was just a trip of great conversations and beauty. So we went and got papusas just the three of us. It was a lot of fun. We didn't talk about a whole lot, but mostly joked. It was so great though to be with them too, and to pass the relationship that i used to be a student and see each other more as old friends getting back together. I have to say, even though it is hard to stay in contact, i am blessed to have friends to see in sop many places. I can go to these wonderful places and have people there to see and be with. Just a great time and a lot of love.
After that i went back to Danielle’s for the last nights. I think i needed that time to chill out and just be. I had a wonderful cab ride. We were making small talk and it turned into talking about the war and this man was drafted into the government military. He seemed really regretful and told me that the things i knew about 90% of human rights violations happening from that side and the massacres are true. It is shameful to me to know that our government funded that. Anyhow, there was a lot to that conversation, but at the end he asked why the US always has their hands in everything? Why do they get into everything El Salvador is doing. I really dont know a good reason. I just said fear and power. I really feel like that is a lot of it. I do not think we should be so into everyone else’s business. It is a hard line to draw tho as far as how to help best-which we have not done in Salvador...we have harmed them way more than helped...agh.
Other things from there-i got to see Adela again which was nice. Just being around people and getting great hugs was fabulous. I thought about applying as a CC which i might do, but i do not think it is exactly what i'm looking for after college, but we'll see what happens. Speaking of ending college...lets not talk about it. I do not like the idea and do not know what i'm going to do with my life after that. SCARY!!! And, I will be writing a final paper for my class so I will eventually post that i think. If anyone wants to talk about any of this, I would be more than happy to meet you somewhere. I love to talk about it, but not a 10 min convo of how was it, because i cant really explain anything at all in that time. I'm pretty free these next couple of weeks tho.
The best thing i can say tho, challenge yourself to see if for yourself!!! It is worth the money to go there and put yourself out there.
Peace,
Jessica
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
getting to the end
Last night was the last night sleeping at my house. today is the last day at Dos Generaciones. Yea...so i realized today that i don´t want to leave Nica. I am ready for the program to be over, but leaving Nica I am not so ready for. I would love to live here with a little more control over my life and a little more time for myself. I almost cried this morning because i was playing with Mariann. She is so close to walking and i just love that baby so much. Yesterday my mom brought me and the family to her hometown as a special day with me, and i said to my sister here that she was going to miss me and she just told me that i would miss her too. My host mom made me an outfit...which i´m a little scared of how it´s goign to look but its the thought. I cannot believe she made me cloths...like really made them. crazy! I feel like i should be there more...its hard that we are not and i always feel guilty. ahhh...i cant believe i´m leaving. today at dos generaciones there are balloons and streamers in the office we´re always in and a sign that says hasta la vista baby! haha. Goodbyes suck because they are always so thoughtful and i remember what all i have. I am though so excited to see everyone at home and be in more control of my life. I have realized that I think i could live here, but that I also really appriciate my own car, warm showers, washing machines, and air conditioning. all those expensive things that are luxuries....i really like them. haha.
In general tho, my emotions are all around. they are really sad because of leaving some great people, really excited and even a little nurvous to go back to salvador, and excited to see people at home too. I am excited to be there for jacki as she plans the wedding, and for all my other friends just to be there. i am excited to go boating with my family, and take a little time for myself without feeling guilty that i dont spend enough time with people. Guilt has been a huge self inflicted feeling i have experienced here. I wish i knew when i should feel guilty for soemthing and when it is just me worrying and thinkign too much, because lets be honast, i surely think too much. thats why sometimes i actually like to watch tv, because i dont think all deep. it gets annoying.
Well, less than two weeks and i will be seeing people. I leave here tuesday for el salvador. Wednesday (16) i´m going to Cedro with Sor Lidia until Thursday(17), Friday(18) with Danielle, Saturday(19) and Sunday(20) with William, Monday(21) beach Tuesday(22) i think with Danielle or chris before i go to the airport on the 23rd...wow. i´ll be home before we know it!
Thats the plan. Today we´re leaving for the beach in Leon and a retreat tomorrow. Sunday we´`re going to church with our families and have the day in the bario until 7ish...then i dont know what i´m doing exactly monday. i have a few thoughts but i dont know how they´ll work out. ok. love ya´ll and seeyou soon!
In general tho, my emotions are all around. they are really sad because of leaving some great people, really excited and even a little nurvous to go back to salvador, and excited to see people at home too. I am excited to be there for jacki as she plans the wedding, and for all my other friends just to be there. i am excited to go boating with my family, and take a little time for myself without feeling guilty that i dont spend enough time with people. Guilt has been a huge self inflicted feeling i have experienced here. I wish i knew when i should feel guilty for soemthing and when it is just me worrying and thinkign too much, because lets be honast, i surely think too much. thats why sometimes i actually like to watch tv, because i dont think all deep. it gets annoying.
Well, less than two weeks and i will be seeing people. I leave here tuesday for el salvador. Wednesday (16) i´m going to Cedro with Sor Lidia until Thursday(17), Friday(18) with Danielle, Saturday(19) and Sunday(20) with William, Monday(21) beach Tuesday(22) i think with Danielle or chris before i go to the airport on the 23rd...wow. i´ll be home before we know it!
Thats the plan. Today we´re leaving for the beach in Leon and a retreat tomorrow. Sunday we´`re going to church with our families and have the day in the bario until 7ish...then i dont know what i´m doing exactly monday. i have a few thoughts but i dont know how they´ll work out. ok. love ya´ll and seeyou soon!
Sunday, July 6, 2008
I think the church in terms of the Catholic church is full of hypocrites in general looking at the churches i´ve been to and am around most. The people do not know what social justice is. I don't think church leaders try to push people either. it is really hard to be part of a church that closes it´s doors to so many too. we met two wonderful lesbian couples this week and they were so loving and felt injustice and oppression that no one should experience. the fact is, a church should love and be open to everyone. As far as Nica and Romero, it is depressing that there were not more religious leaders helping, but rather the catholic church has seemed harmful here. At the same time, the UCA has opened their doors to GBLT workshops and Joe Mulligan is raved about. I know he´s from the U.S., but he is church leader here who is doing great work. not only him, but also people like Jon Sobrino and Dean Brackley. It still sucks though that we have to really look up to people like them who are doing what everyone should be doing-at least in my opinion. I think tho, that there are a lot of great people doing great things, but unless they die, it is not noticed. I wish good people wouldn't have to die to inspire others through their lives. I think we should be inspired through the Luis´s of the world who love and work for justice every day, or the Mark Chmiels who put people before anything else and constantly make time to patiently be with people.
Back to the topic though, As a Catholic or christian after being here is has become increasingly harder to think that the christian or catholic church is right because there is so much that they do not do. It is as if believing and having spirituality is the only factor while people are dying. I cannot understand a religion that the majority of the people turn their backs on the suffering of others and cling to ignorance rather than trying to see and learn from the reality of others. Ignorance is just as bad as being the person inflicting the injustice because by choosing ignorance, we are ultimately choosing not to help others and therefore, probably harming them more. It´s like the story about they came for the Jews and i didn't say anything because i wasn't a Jew, then they came for the Muslims and i didnt say anything because i wasn't Muslim then they came for the Christians and no one said anything because there was no one left. we are screwing ourselves in the end. The church doesn't respond to the needs of today's society, the poor, the homosexual, the oppressed, the exploited...I think it is out of fear of loosing people and to keep a little power at the top. I believe there are greedy and power hungry priests too. So to bind myself to this church...i dont know. I think recognizing problems and staying in it means working from within, where sometimes you are seen as too radical and have to be silenced to be heard a little. I also think though that if you leave, there is no way to be listened to at all and it stays the same. I dont know if it could become impossible to be bond to that church. Maybe if you stop believing in anything the church stands for...yes, because then it will be more frustration and keep one from doing anything good while trying to fight to change something they think is totally wrong...These are no real answers tho.
What do i feel called to do with my life???? hahaha. is this a joke? I have no idea and being here just makes things even less clear. It raises more answers. Sure, i know i don't want to by name brand anything because i see so many big corporations that are everywhere and that wealth should be shared. I know that i want to support coffee cooperatives instead of Folgers, and i know that some things about me will change, but what i am going to do with my life i have no idea. I´ll continue with social work, look into JVI more, and other two year programs or experiences, continue working with international populations and having patience with people who struggle with the language, and continue to have compassion for people. I will try to stay connected with people and love people. Laugh, smile, try to make others smile...make people feel important. I am so lost tho as to what i want to do after i graduate. I mean, I am really interested in JVI, but i also realize that i would love to come back to Nica, or at least some Spanish speaking country and Nica would be great because i have relationships here and could better let those great people i know realize how important they are to me. At the same time, I hear my mom and other family saying they dont want me to, and realizing how much i will miss if i leave. I also realize i don't have the choice of where i go. Ultimately it has to be my decision i know, but it is a hard one, and even if i apply, i dont know i will be accepted.
Past that, going to grad school is a scary thing i don't feel ready for. I have no idea if i want to do family and individual work or community work. They both are so great. There are so many things i could do with that. I mean, with community i could work to educate people about immigration and work with immigration policy which would be fabulous. I could help leaders realize they are leaders and teach communities what they really can do as a community. At the same time, i could really be with people on an individual level and make them individually see their own talents and abilities while being patient and loving with them. I could work with children who have incredible potential and abilities that they are discovering and set up programs for them. I wish i could open an organization like Dos Generaciones where there is community work going on, but there is a lot of individual work happening too with counseling and art programs. Even though there are some structural problems there, the idea behind the program is amazing, and they really have the stance that the people have to want to do it, and explain the huge huge difference between charity and justice. Charity sucks in my opinion. Don't give people things. They will rely on that. Help them to work for it...that is the only way to change the system. Give them the resources to work for it. If we want to give money, give it to justice programs that know how to use the money to help people live more justly and substainalbly...because after we give, their life goes on and they run out of what we gave, but if we help them to improve their lives, they can withhold that themselves. So yea, i don't know what i´m doing with my life. I think that is one of the most scary parts of returning home...i don't know, and i don't know how to explain why i am so confused about what to do with my life and what is the best way to use myself for and with others.
Back to the topic though, As a Catholic or christian after being here is has become increasingly harder to think that the christian or catholic church is right because there is so much that they do not do. It is as if believing and having spirituality is the only factor while people are dying. I cannot understand a religion that the majority of the people turn their backs on the suffering of others and cling to ignorance rather than trying to see and learn from the reality of others. Ignorance is just as bad as being the person inflicting the injustice because by choosing ignorance, we are ultimately choosing not to help others and therefore, probably harming them more. It´s like the story about they came for the Jews and i didn't say anything because i wasn't a Jew, then they came for the Muslims and i didnt say anything because i wasn't Muslim then they came for the Christians and no one said anything because there was no one left. we are screwing ourselves in the end. The church doesn't respond to the needs of today's society, the poor, the homosexual, the oppressed, the exploited...I think it is out of fear of loosing people and to keep a little power at the top. I believe there are greedy and power hungry priests too. So to bind myself to this church...i dont know. I think recognizing problems and staying in it means working from within, where sometimes you are seen as too radical and have to be silenced to be heard a little. I also think though that if you leave, there is no way to be listened to at all and it stays the same. I dont know if it could become impossible to be bond to that church. Maybe if you stop believing in anything the church stands for...yes, because then it will be more frustration and keep one from doing anything good while trying to fight to change something they think is totally wrong...These are no real answers tho.
What do i feel called to do with my life???? hahaha. is this a joke? I have no idea and being here just makes things even less clear. It raises more answers. Sure, i know i don't want to by name brand anything because i see so many big corporations that are everywhere and that wealth should be shared. I know that i want to support coffee cooperatives instead of Folgers, and i know that some things about me will change, but what i am going to do with my life i have no idea. I´ll continue with social work, look into JVI more, and other two year programs or experiences, continue working with international populations and having patience with people who struggle with the language, and continue to have compassion for people. I will try to stay connected with people and love people. Laugh, smile, try to make others smile...make people feel important. I am so lost tho as to what i want to do after i graduate. I mean, I am really interested in JVI, but i also realize that i would love to come back to Nica, or at least some Spanish speaking country and Nica would be great because i have relationships here and could better let those great people i know realize how important they are to me. At the same time, I hear my mom and other family saying they dont want me to, and realizing how much i will miss if i leave. I also realize i don't have the choice of where i go. Ultimately it has to be my decision i know, but it is a hard one, and even if i apply, i dont know i will be accepted.
Past that, going to grad school is a scary thing i don't feel ready for. I have no idea if i want to do family and individual work or community work. They both are so great. There are so many things i could do with that. I mean, with community i could work to educate people about immigration and work with immigration policy which would be fabulous. I could help leaders realize they are leaders and teach communities what they really can do as a community. At the same time, i could really be with people on an individual level and make them individually see their own talents and abilities while being patient and loving with them. I could work with children who have incredible potential and abilities that they are discovering and set up programs for them. I wish i could open an organization like Dos Generaciones where there is community work going on, but there is a lot of individual work happening too with counseling and art programs. Even though there are some structural problems there, the idea behind the program is amazing, and they really have the stance that the people have to want to do it, and explain the huge huge difference between charity and justice. Charity sucks in my opinion. Don't give people things. They will rely on that. Help them to work for it...that is the only way to change the system. Give them the resources to work for it. If we want to give money, give it to justice programs that know how to use the money to help people live more justly and substainalbly...because after we give, their life goes on and they run out of what we gave, but if we help them to improve their lives, they can withhold that themselves. So yea, i don't know what i´m doing with my life. I think that is one of the most scary parts of returning home...i don't know, and i don't know how to explain why i am so confused about what to do with my life and what is the best way to use myself for and with others.
Monday, June 23, 2008
whats up...
So all of my reflections have been with a topic to reflect upon, and i dont really feel like a topic. I so badly need time just to think myself about all the things that are going on here. we have been so incredibly busy. The time i have had at computers i use to read e-mails and write my papers. it is kinda tough sometimes. Then i also use skype to call home, so i dont have much time to really think about things. So much is going on here. I am worried about coming home because i will go from doing soemthing every day, lots of impactful things that i havent had time to think about, to not knowing what to do with myself for another month.
This experience has been so different from el salvador. There are some really amazing people here. My family has been great and i have not had nearly enough time to talk to them and just be with them, but they are fabulous and there are some really great joys being with them. For example, yesterday i played in the rain with my host mom who is about the age of my grandma bonnie. The was great. Grandma, if you are reading this, we need to play in the rain together!!!! haha. It was fabulous. Also, as i have said before the baby is just wonderful. The people at the center that we go to almost every day are beautiful people who i also wish i had more time with. Two months is just not enough to really enter into real relationships with people and be together. It is, but not to know things that you wonder...not to hear all their stories...well, i dont think you can ever do that, but casi (almost, i think casi is a better word for almost).
The things that i am scared of tho, is all of these amazing things that i have done with such strong people, for example, we have heard people speak about sweatshops, we have been to fair trade places, we talk about theology and faith so much. I dont know, i cant reflect the way i did in salvador. I cant think aobut all of this. Seeing children malnurished and living in trash, working, who cant read. ...it has been so hard to see. I can´t really concentrate tho. sorry my reflections suck this time around!!!
This experience has been so different from el salvador. There are some really amazing people here. My family has been great and i have not had nearly enough time to talk to them and just be with them, but they are fabulous and there are some really great joys being with them. For example, yesterday i played in the rain with my host mom who is about the age of my grandma bonnie. The was great. Grandma, if you are reading this, we need to play in the rain together!!!! haha. It was fabulous. Also, as i have said before the baby is just wonderful. The people at the center that we go to almost every day are beautiful people who i also wish i had more time with. Two months is just not enough to really enter into real relationships with people and be together. It is, but not to know things that you wonder...not to hear all their stories...well, i dont think you can ever do that, but casi (almost, i think casi is a better word for almost).
The things that i am scared of tho, is all of these amazing things that i have done with such strong people, for example, we have heard people speak about sweatshops, we have been to fair trade places, we talk about theology and faith so much. I dont know, i cant reflect the way i did in salvador. I cant think aobut all of this. Seeing children malnurished and living in trash, working, who cant read. ...it has been so hard to see. I can´t really concentrate tho. sorry my reflections suck this time around!!!
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Christ the Liberator, theo reflection.
Last night on the bus there were two barefoot children singing for money. There was a woman sitting by the back door asking for three cords from each person that got off, and there was a child that looked to be 5 years old with an IV bandage on her hand and scares that looked to be from chicken pox on the bus. This was on the way home from hearing about conditions in sweatshops here, poverty and working 24 hours straight to feed children, and talking to youth in the area that are trying to do programs to help kids around. That program was inspiring when thinking about the conditions of life here. Today I went to the service again in the CBC which I LOVE because of how ready these people are to praise God and work to better their lives and the lives of others through justice, and then, I played in the rain with my host mom. So yes, I can see Christ as the liberator here, and I think Christ is the liberator. Following Jesus does not mean what the woman preaching on the bus today thinks it means. it is not about proclaiming Jesus Christ as your savior and king, but about living as Christ lived and caring about everyone regardless if they are the tax collector, the adulteress, or where they are from. Christ was about working to give dignity to everyone. To me, saying you are christian but not doing anything for the least of the people in the world, those in jail, those hungry, thirsty, naked, illiterate is to be a hypocrite. The beatitudes say blessed are the ones who seek justice, blessed are the merciful, and so on, they do not say, proclaim Jesus as the way and then go on with your own life, but they are to do something. There are so many places in the bible that say to do something. to help others and really work for improving lives, but those are overlooked. I do not think i am a perfect christian, but especially as catholics, to call ourselves a church of action should not mean that it is a church where we go once a week and then only pray and do nothing else during the week. I don't really know, but i do know that i can see why it is important to see Christ´s life and the way he lived over the Resurrection. I do understand the preferential option for the poor and that being a christian is not about talking, but about doing.
I think playing in the rain was liberating today. i stood in the middle of the street and spun in circles and looked around and thanked God for giving me that rain. That is not the liberator i think of all the time, but it is one of the beautiful parts of liberation. A freeing, detached since. A sense that i can do what i want and not feel shame. I can have control over my own life and not have fear. Everyone should have that opportunity. Personally, i do not care about traditional aspects of Christianity and the fear of the Vatican. Kristin has it right. She said we can only live our lives the best we can now because God is with us in the people, and we have no idea what will come in the future or after we die, but if we live our lives now for the people and leave a better world for future generations we at least know we did the best we could with our lives. It was something like that at least.
I do think that people can have a very personal relationship with God, but within that relationship justice should not be forgotten. I think that personal relationship with God can so easily be within the people too. It does not have to be a power relationship where God has the power and is above us in heaven and we are little munchkins on earth with no power. If we are created in God´s image, we are capable of doing a ton, and why is it up to God to do it if we are capable. Plus, being in God{s image, each person we meet is a part of God. I think some of these things are the changes in my thoughts on faith because they are idea that have come from discussions here with other people. Hearing how others think of God is such an interesting way to change our own thinking because sometimes they really make since. But overall, Christ and God in us are liberators.
Another thing i have thought for a while is that Christ knows what it is like to suffer and be tortured. He suffered and was tortured himself. People suffering of hunger everyday, or of poor work conditions, or all the other suffering in the world, Jesus can understand because not only was he outcast, but he was tortured. Why would people who suffer not be able to relate to this suffering of Christ. I can totally see the reality of people feeling Jesus along with them in their suffering and working for their liberation because he knows what is it like to suffer. He didn't say turn the other cheek to be passive, but more to stir up trouble and push people to think about what they are doing. He tested and pushed people too in order to bring about justice.
I think playing in the rain was liberating today. i stood in the middle of the street and spun in circles and looked around and thanked God for giving me that rain. That is not the liberator i think of all the time, but it is one of the beautiful parts of liberation. A freeing, detached since. A sense that i can do what i want and not feel shame. I can have control over my own life and not have fear. Everyone should have that opportunity. Personally, i do not care about traditional aspects of Christianity and the fear of the Vatican. Kristin has it right. She said we can only live our lives the best we can now because God is with us in the people, and we have no idea what will come in the future or after we die, but if we live our lives now for the people and leave a better world for future generations we at least know we did the best we could with our lives. It was something like that at least.
I do think that people can have a very personal relationship with God, but within that relationship justice should not be forgotten. I think that personal relationship with God can so easily be within the people too. It does not have to be a power relationship where God has the power and is above us in heaven and we are little munchkins on earth with no power. If we are created in God´s image, we are capable of doing a ton, and why is it up to God to do it if we are capable. Plus, being in God{s image, each person we meet is a part of God. I think some of these things are the changes in my thoughts on faith because they are idea that have come from discussions here with other people. Hearing how others think of God is such an interesting way to change our own thinking because sometimes they really make since. But overall, Christ and God in us are liberators.
Another thing i have thought for a while is that Christ knows what it is like to suffer and be tortured. He suffered and was tortured himself. People suffering of hunger everyday, or of poor work conditions, or all the other suffering in the world, Jesus can understand because not only was he outcast, but he was tortured. Why would people who suffer not be able to relate to this suffering of Christ. I can totally see the reality of people feeling Jesus along with them in their suffering and working for their liberation because he knows what is it like to suffer. He didn't say turn the other cheek to be passive, but more to stir up trouble and push people to think about what they are doing. He tested and pushed people too in order to bring about justice.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
it can get hard.
cold early early moning shower, need to do my laundry by hand and i have a ton, my mom here asks how i{m doing and serves me breakfast, i run out the door, jump on an unconfortably cram packed bus and walk into dos generaciones where they generously recieve me excited that i{m back from being sick, and then the electricity goes out and the hellish heat begins again. We take the surveys to the dump to ask the 14-20 year olds about what they know about human rights concerning immigration. Yes, i said we go to the dump to do this. we drive passed houses that has their front and back yard as a huge pile of trash as big as thier house. There is burning trash fumes flying through the air they breath every day. if i never smell burning trash again i will be extremly happy and that much further from gagging....and that is where they live. their houses are made of rusted sheet metal.
my question, where is the dignity in digging through trash to make a living. working in the dump to find recycables to put food on the table for your family. why would anyone have to do that. what has the world done wrong that there are people living in the dump, working in the dump, pulling what they have in their houses out of what other people throw away. other peoples trash is their lives. Human dignity? i dont think there is. We went into a house in the dump to do the survey with a 15 year old girl. her dad came in and told us about how he has lived there all his life. he is illiterate and works all day in the trash and forces his children to go to school so they can leave that life. a little boy ran through the house. oh my God this little boy. he was so dirty and he had that little pot belly that you see in pictures of children who are malnurished. He wasnt sad, he was a child running around, dirty with a pot belly, only wearing shorts, and he really lives in poverty. he lives in the dump with his family who works, but they are still poor due to the structure lack of resources. As we sat there, flys swarmed. It was so unconfortable. There are my flys everywhere in the dump that in any barn i can think of in the states. it{s like a pile of horse poop with flys, one huge pile of horse poop....that is how many flys there are living where these people live....where only flys should live.
I cannot describe what it is to walk through the burning trash, through the dump, into houses there, and then out of the dump, walking into acaualinca and still just into more poverty and more pot bellied children. Those places, those comercials, they are real. i{m sorry but they are. The water running down dirt rodes of houses made of trash...that is real. You dont want your skin to touch that water because you dont know what kind of water it is. Imagine living in that each day. It hurts so much just to walk through it each day i go to service, but living there...
And then i think about God, what i wrote about poverty in the last reflection. It isnt God turning his back on these people or their need for God. It is the people that have resources, that have opportunities. It is the structure and the God in us that have to do something. There are so many calls in the bible to give to people with nothing. To stop for the forgiener (outcast, poor, whatever)as a good samaritain...As christains do we ignore the bible? Do we only do what is confortable in the bible for ourselves? Do we live in a structure that is unjust just because it is easier that challenging that?
I get it...it is like Chan Khong says, I can explain it all i want, but until someone feels it for themselves, until someone is they, they wont get it. They wont leave the confort of their family and lives unless they have experiences it.
These are just thoughts. I think they help me more than anyone...but it is also why i am who i am. I know it can be hard to understand some of my thoughts or why i want to push people further, or why i do what i do, but my answer is from Learning True Love (a book), until you are willing to experiece it, you may never really understand. That is something i need to remember also.
But that dump, that lack of human dignity, that is not right. I don´t think to call ourselves christians and to call ourselves compasionate, we can just say there is nothing we can do about that and not ever try. That to me is a lie and the easy way. That dump makes me want to cry every time i go through. Sending gifts and playing is just a good intention too. That is so hard. I am there with Nicaragians, and i see missionary groups go through handing children toys and having good intentions, but sometimes those intentions are more harmful than good. Sometimes they step on the toes of justice organizations because charity is not going to change injustice. it will be there for a time, and gone the next moment. It never changes the situation. The group comes and gives things, and then after they leave, the people go back to their poverty. i{m going to stop now. This is long, and i{m sure it was not fun to read. I promise, it is not fun to think about and experience either. Think about it though. Human Dignity, Justice vs. Charity, Our call as christians...really, thank you if you read the whole thing.
my question, where is the dignity in digging through trash to make a living. working in the dump to find recycables to put food on the table for your family. why would anyone have to do that. what has the world done wrong that there are people living in the dump, working in the dump, pulling what they have in their houses out of what other people throw away. other peoples trash is their lives. Human dignity? i dont think there is. We went into a house in the dump to do the survey with a 15 year old girl. her dad came in and told us about how he has lived there all his life. he is illiterate and works all day in the trash and forces his children to go to school so they can leave that life. a little boy ran through the house. oh my God this little boy. he was so dirty and he had that little pot belly that you see in pictures of children who are malnurished. He wasnt sad, he was a child running around, dirty with a pot belly, only wearing shorts, and he really lives in poverty. he lives in the dump with his family who works, but they are still poor due to the structure lack of resources. As we sat there, flys swarmed. It was so unconfortable. There are my flys everywhere in the dump that in any barn i can think of in the states. it{s like a pile of horse poop with flys, one huge pile of horse poop....that is how many flys there are living where these people live....where only flys should live.
I cannot describe what it is to walk through the burning trash, through the dump, into houses there, and then out of the dump, walking into acaualinca and still just into more poverty and more pot bellied children. Those places, those comercials, they are real. i{m sorry but they are. The water running down dirt rodes of houses made of trash...that is real. You dont want your skin to touch that water because you dont know what kind of water it is. Imagine living in that each day. It hurts so much just to walk through it each day i go to service, but living there...
And then i think about God, what i wrote about poverty in the last reflection. It isnt God turning his back on these people or their need for God. It is the people that have resources, that have opportunities. It is the structure and the God in us that have to do something. There are so many calls in the bible to give to people with nothing. To stop for the forgiener (outcast, poor, whatever)as a good samaritain...As christains do we ignore the bible? Do we only do what is confortable in the bible for ourselves? Do we live in a structure that is unjust just because it is easier that challenging that?
I get it...it is like Chan Khong says, I can explain it all i want, but until someone feels it for themselves, until someone is they, they wont get it. They wont leave the confort of their family and lives unless they have experiences it.
These are just thoughts. I think they help me more than anyone...but it is also why i am who i am. I know it can be hard to understand some of my thoughts or why i want to push people further, or why i do what i do, but my answer is from Learning True Love (a book), until you are willing to experiece it, you may never really understand. That is something i need to remember also.
But that dump, that lack of human dignity, that is not right. I don´t think to call ourselves christians and to call ourselves compasionate, we can just say there is nothing we can do about that and not ever try. That to me is a lie and the easy way. That dump makes me want to cry every time i go through. Sending gifts and playing is just a good intention too. That is so hard. I am there with Nicaragians, and i see missionary groups go through handing children toys and having good intentions, but sometimes those intentions are more harmful than good. Sometimes they step on the toes of justice organizations because charity is not going to change injustice. it will be there for a time, and gone the next moment. It never changes the situation. The group comes and gives things, and then after they leave, the people go back to their poverty. i{m going to stop now. This is long, and i{m sure it was not fun to read. I promise, it is not fun to think about and experience either. Think about it though. Human Dignity, Justice vs. Charity, Our call as christians...really, thank you if you read the whole thing.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
another theo reflection
quick update before that, Jacki and Josh are engaged and i am super excited for them. They are going to make some of the best married people in the world. congratulate them for me some more because i´m kinda far away. my spanish is still getting better and i still love babies. i am feeling kinda sick still, but getting better. i decided to come to the computer lab that i am at right now because i am sick and tired of the deadly heat...haha. and a tiny bit homesick, but i will get over it. don´t worry. i´ve been here a month, and have about another month before i get home. Then i want to go boating and sleep in air conditioning and have my dog bite me on the nose after she gives me a kiss...jump down and run in circles and finally calm down and let me snuggle with her. oh, but here...i still have lots of mothers taking care of me. thats what women here do, they mother and take care of people and they are realy good at it. so mom and grandma and whoever else, dont worry, i have people mothering me and making sure i´m doing alright. love you all!
Jessica*
Reflection
I find this question the hardest of all to write about. Poverty is a hard subject, as is my understanding of God. At first the poverty here did not seem to bother me. It was just part of being in Central America again and I even looked around the city and did not see as densely packed hillsides with casas de carton. We got to our houses and they dont really seem like extreme poverty either, they are uncomfortable sometimes with the heat, and they are not over flowing with money and resources, but compared to other houses i had seen, we´re living the high life in Nica. Then it hit me, as i spent some time in Acaualinca I noticed the extreme poverty and lack of dignity that some those people live through every day. Working in in garbage dump is no way to go about life. living in a house made of rusted pieces of sheet metal probably found in the garbage is no way to live. This just isn't fair that their resources come from the garbage and mine come from my parents and my privileged life.
The day since leaving the dump, and to this day i cannot get the images out of my head. I cant get the image of walking into pictures that i have seen out of my head either as i walk through Acaualinca and the surrounding area. It makes me sick to think of people living like that while. Then i think of being homesick, and how i really just want my room and my mom, and i realize that the confort of my house is sick compared to the houses i have seen here. It is a huge struggle for me to feel thankful and not guilty, or to juggle the questions of what is ok and what is not. what are we supposed to do, and what is stepping on cultural lines. There are no clear answers and there never will be, so it just becomes a frustrating circle of never ending larger analytical questions that i have had since el salvador.
Then throwing God into the mix...I haven't had the time to take with God as I would like to. I pushed God out of the picture until i need something again, or until i have to think about God with these reflections. It seems easier not to think about God than to try to work on that relationship and get more frustrated. AND THEN, to put God into poverty. shit. People here always say Gracias a Dios, and really seem to mean it. Doña Nieves tells about all the miracles of her life, and how much God has done for her life. She has incredible faith which sometimes intimidates me from saying anything about my confusion because i do not want a lecture on faith, which i dont think she would lecture me, but i dont want to put the possibility out there. Anyhow, sometimes i do see God in the poor. I see the struggling, human Jesus. I see people connecting with that God at least. I see the joy they get from knowing God was were they were one time and that the human God was here to understand them, and love them. I see God in what we learned about the Bible and what the bible says about the poor, economics, and structure. I dont know if i actually see God there, but i see the possible relationships maybe. I see how people could have an attachment with Jesus here. I see the beauty in the love the poor give too. My host mom says she doesnt have money to give, but she has all the love in the world to share and she can do that. I love that. It is so true too. she has been taking care of me as i´ve been sick, and doing it without complaint. She laughs all the time and is willing to talk to anyone forever. haha. she loves to talk and be with people. I think that is why i love to be with her. she is so willing to share her life with me. I have not shared a lot of my life with her though. i am sharing this experience with her and the struggles and questions i have here, but i havent told her anything about my past, or my relationships at home.
Overall though, Sometimes i think God betrayed the poor, other times i am hopeful that God is walking with them in their struggles and their time with God is that much richer because of their journeys together and similar struggle. Depending on what mood you get me in depends on what I think of God and the poor that day. I guess we´ll know what the reason for this poverty is when we get to heaven, but right now, i think we are all the reason. God is within each and every one of us, so it is not the God in heaven that has betrayed the poor, it is the God in each and every one of us that hasnt done our part to help them and be with them. that God within us is the one turning our backs on the poor. The poor will always be with us if we always turn our backs on them and to the God within us that calls us to do greater things to help them.
Jessica*
Reflection
I find this question the hardest of all to write about. Poverty is a hard subject, as is my understanding of God. At first the poverty here did not seem to bother me. It was just part of being in Central America again and I even looked around the city and did not see as densely packed hillsides with casas de carton. We got to our houses and they dont really seem like extreme poverty either, they are uncomfortable sometimes with the heat, and they are not over flowing with money and resources, but compared to other houses i had seen, we´re living the high life in Nica. Then it hit me, as i spent some time in Acaualinca I noticed the extreme poverty and lack of dignity that some those people live through every day. Working in in garbage dump is no way to go about life. living in a house made of rusted pieces of sheet metal probably found in the garbage is no way to live. This just isn't fair that their resources come from the garbage and mine come from my parents and my privileged life.
The day since leaving the dump, and to this day i cannot get the images out of my head. I cant get the image of walking into pictures that i have seen out of my head either as i walk through Acaualinca and the surrounding area. It makes me sick to think of people living like that while. Then i think of being homesick, and how i really just want my room and my mom, and i realize that the confort of my house is sick compared to the houses i have seen here. It is a huge struggle for me to feel thankful and not guilty, or to juggle the questions of what is ok and what is not. what are we supposed to do, and what is stepping on cultural lines. There are no clear answers and there never will be, so it just becomes a frustrating circle of never ending larger analytical questions that i have had since el salvador.
Then throwing God into the mix...I haven't had the time to take with God as I would like to. I pushed God out of the picture until i need something again, or until i have to think about God with these reflections. It seems easier not to think about God than to try to work on that relationship and get more frustrated. AND THEN, to put God into poverty. shit. People here always say Gracias a Dios, and really seem to mean it. Doña Nieves tells about all the miracles of her life, and how much God has done for her life. She has incredible faith which sometimes intimidates me from saying anything about my confusion because i do not want a lecture on faith, which i dont think she would lecture me, but i dont want to put the possibility out there. Anyhow, sometimes i do see God in the poor. I see the struggling, human Jesus. I see people connecting with that God at least. I see the joy they get from knowing God was were they were one time and that the human God was here to understand them, and love them. I see God in what we learned about the Bible and what the bible says about the poor, economics, and structure. I dont know if i actually see God there, but i see the possible relationships maybe. I see how people could have an attachment with Jesus here. I see the beauty in the love the poor give too. My host mom says she doesnt have money to give, but she has all the love in the world to share and she can do that. I love that. It is so true too. she has been taking care of me as i´ve been sick, and doing it without complaint. She laughs all the time and is willing to talk to anyone forever. haha. she loves to talk and be with people. I think that is why i love to be with her. she is so willing to share her life with me. I have not shared a lot of my life with her though. i am sharing this experience with her and the struggles and questions i have here, but i havent told her anything about my past, or my relationships at home.
Overall though, Sometimes i think God betrayed the poor, other times i am hopeful that God is walking with them in their struggles and their time with God is that much richer because of their journeys together and similar struggle. Depending on what mood you get me in depends on what I think of God and the poor that day. I guess we´ll know what the reason for this poverty is when we get to heaven, but right now, i think we are all the reason. God is within each and every one of us, so it is not the God in heaven that has betrayed the poor, it is the God in each and every one of us that hasnt done our part to help them and be with them. that God within us is the one turning our backs on the poor. The poor will always be with us if we always turn our backs on them and to the God within us that calls us to do greater things to help them.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
family reflection for theo class
Babies....there is no doubt i´m going to have children because rocking Mariann to sleep is one of the most peaceful experiences i have had since being here. That baby is loved. So many people come by the house and talk to her, her mom and grandma are great to her and she has everything she needs. I cant explain how neat it is to look at her little hands and wonder where they will be and what their future is. On the contrary, looking at children working in the dump is one of the hardest things to see. Babies living in poverty with little bite marks all over them....it is horrible. But back to christian families, I have always thought of filling up a church pew with a family. I just think that even as much as my faith struggles, the community of church as the morals learned there are so important for children to be in.
This is going to be so scattered. I guess it is perfect time though because i just got done talking to my family which was really nice. i wish i could have just relaxed and talked to them. My best friend just got engaged today too and I just got that news. It is so exciting and neat to think of a christian family now because she got engaged in the church her and Josh met in in high school. They will have a christian family i{m sure. full of love and beauty.
I think living within the family here though just makes me think about how families need love and trust. Good men are hard to come by here, but i have seen how loved the baby in my family is without men. Although i want that man, that father, to have a christian family i don't think that is as important. I think the most important call within a family is to love each other and be there for each other even when things are not as easy.
As far as living with family, well, that is great but hard too. i really enjoy my family. I{d like to spend more time with them, but at the same time, i find myself trying to please them and stay our of their way. They don't act as if i am in their way, but i guess just wanting to be liked is what makes me feel the way i do. For example, the family was going to church this morning, and i really did not want to. I do not enjoy church here much because i don't understand most of it...probably because i don't try to understand but tune it out, but i didn't want to go. I went anyways because I wanted them to know I wanted to be with them.
Sometimes i still feel like a guest in the way that i realize what i would do at home and what i don't do there, or even that i help more here, or feel like i should. i realize how much my family does for me and how much i take for granted. i feel like i{m served here, which i am, but i realized that when i am at my house at home, i am served just as much. i am called when it is time to eat and i go, but here i feel bad and want to do more. at home i don't...but its the same thing, my mom works all day and then cooks and puts the food on the table, and i just go and eat and bring my dishes to the dishwasher. Here i feel guilty about that, but at home i never have. it´s an interesting difference that makes me appreciate what my family does for me.
I am not too uncomfortalbe living here. yes it gets hot, but fans help. cold showers are not too bad after i plunge my head in and am already in it. sometimes it even feels good. I think the uncomfortalbe thing within the family is that i feel odd just walking off and closing my door...and today, i saw a holiday inn, and was like, ooohhh, that looks so nice...and then i realized that it is huge cooperative institution that has made it{s way into a developing country and felt totally wrong about it, but totally wanted to jump in the pool and just relax. It is also a bummer when there is no water because it goes off occasionally. i wish i could come home after a long day and take a cold shower. haha.
All in all though, the family has been a place of peace for me. A place where i watch mother and daughter interact and just love it. It´s family and it´s love, and i love that little baby and all the love she has in her life.
This is going to be so scattered. I guess it is perfect time though because i just got done talking to my family which was really nice. i wish i could have just relaxed and talked to them. My best friend just got engaged today too and I just got that news. It is so exciting and neat to think of a christian family now because she got engaged in the church her and Josh met in in high school. They will have a christian family i{m sure. full of love and beauty.
I think living within the family here though just makes me think about how families need love and trust. Good men are hard to come by here, but i have seen how loved the baby in my family is without men. Although i want that man, that father, to have a christian family i don't think that is as important. I think the most important call within a family is to love each other and be there for each other even when things are not as easy.
As far as living with family, well, that is great but hard too. i really enjoy my family. I{d like to spend more time with them, but at the same time, i find myself trying to please them and stay our of their way. They don't act as if i am in their way, but i guess just wanting to be liked is what makes me feel the way i do. For example, the family was going to church this morning, and i really did not want to. I do not enjoy church here much because i don't understand most of it...probably because i don't try to understand but tune it out, but i didn't want to go. I went anyways because I wanted them to know I wanted to be with them.
Sometimes i still feel like a guest in the way that i realize what i would do at home and what i don't do there, or even that i help more here, or feel like i should. i realize how much my family does for me and how much i take for granted. i feel like i{m served here, which i am, but i realized that when i am at my house at home, i am served just as much. i am called when it is time to eat and i go, but here i feel bad and want to do more. at home i don't...but its the same thing, my mom works all day and then cooks and puts the food on the table, and i just go and eat and bring my dishes to the dishwasher. Here i feel guilty about that, but at home i never have. it´s an interesting difference that makes me appreciate what my family does for me.
I am not too uncomfortalbe living here. yes it gets hot, but fans help. cold showers are not too bad after i plunge my head in and am already in it. sometimes it even feels good. I think the uncomfortalbe thing within the family is that i feel odd just walking off and closing my door...and today, i saw a holiday inn, and was like, ooohhh, that looks so nice...and then i realized that it is huge cooperative institution that has made it{s way into a developing country and felt totally wrong about it, but totally wanted to jump in the pool and just relax. It is also a bummer when there is no water because it goes off occasionally. i wish i could come home after a long day and take a cold shower. haha.
All in all though, the family has been a place of peace for me. A place where i watch mother and daughter interact and just love it. It´s family and it´s love, and i love that little baby and all the love she has in her life.
Friday, June 6, 2008
it´s all about relaxa
I am kinda sad that absolutly no one responded to my last post. i was looking forward to reading what you all thought and sharing that with people. Anyhow, it´s all about relaxa. did you know that if you say a sentence in english to someone who speaks spanish and put an o or a at the end of the last word they will totally understand....NOT!!! haha. it was great. we went to laguna de apoyo to relax. what an adventure. we went totally on public transport which was great and humorous. the first place we were planning to stay was closed so we went searching for another place and found one that Elena told us about. It all worked out. Sunday before we left this man from the US came and was trying to teach a Nica how to swim, he couldnt speak spanish, and the nica couldnt speak english, so the man goes, first, its about the perro and tried to show him how to doggy paddle, and then he said in a loud voice as if the nica could understand if he said it louder, ITS ALL ABOUT RELAXA! haha. oh gosh! It was nice to get away for a bit tho and just be on our own.
This week has been full tho. Sometimes really great, and other times really really hard. It wasnice because we've had some afternoons free, but today was really hard. First, i started my service site, which thus far i have done absolutly no service. It is a really great organization that does a lot of community organizing so i have gotten to see so much with that. it has been really great to see and get a sample of that. there are some women leaders in the community and just some really great things going on. The organization is about justice rather than charity. Today i was talking to some kids at an education hand washing and teeth brushing workshop, and they were telling me i spoke english and they knew that beacuse of my blue eyes. itwas funny. they drew me a picture and everything. they were really cute kids. The whole day i felt like people were pointing out that im a chele as they say here, or gringo, or white person in general. its kinda hard to have that pointed out all the time and have people yelling down the street noticing you. Then...we went to the garbage dump. That was incredibly hard. it made me want to be sick. i really honstly saw a house made of cardboard. people were working to find food in the same places that cows and pigs were. they bath where the cows were standing which has trash in it....a contaminated pond. I cannot explain the living conditions of these people. It was not human dignity there. No way. kids do this, men and women, elderly...they pull out plastic, glass, metal and sell it. they get sick...it is trash. it smells, and i just want to cry. its horrible. i dont get it. I dont know how to explain it other than it makes my heart hurt. I guess i do understand when people say i couldnt do that...because i could not live along side of that. i{m sure i{ll say a little more about that eventally, but i think i need more time to refelct on it. WOW...or as they say here. PUCHICA!!! there is no dignity. I´m trying to get away from feeling guilt, but seeing things like that, how could i not feel guilty that i have so much, and they nothing. and how do we bring justice to that. not charity, but justice. i just dont know.
On the bright side, dos generacions is trying to work with that the people there and some people have gotten out of that cycle of viololence (which children experience so much here, physical, sexual...). Also, my family is great. They are fun and i enjoy being with them. i can talk to them,and well, i feel like i got the best family. I have no complaints about them. They are fun and loving. They give hugs and joke. I really enjoy that and i even got to rock the baby to sleep a couple of nights. sometime i{ll post photos because my sister tooks tons of Mariann, the baby.
anyhow, mom, sorry this was not all lighter as asked, but well, sometimes things in developing countries are more real than they are happy and sometimes the reality is happy, but today, in the dump, it was not happy. it was sickening. i love and miss you all!
Love,
Jessica
This week has been full tho. Sometimes really great, and other times really really hard. It wasnice because we've had some afternoons free, but today was really hard. First, i started my service site, which thus far i have done absolutly no service. It is a really great organization that does a lot of community organizing so i have gotten to see so much with that. it has been really great to see and get a sample of that. there are some women leaders in the community and just some really great things going on. The organization is about justice rather than charity. Today i was talking to some kids at an education hand washing and teeth brushing workshop, and they were telling me i spoke english and they knew that beacuse of my blue eyes. itwas funny. they drew me a picture and everything. they were really cute kids. The whole day i felt like people were pointing out that im a chele as they say here, or gringo, or white person in general. its kinda hard to have that pointed out all the time and have people yelling down the street noticing you. Then...we went to the garbage dump. That was incredibly hard. it made me want to be sick. i really honstly saw a house made of cardboard. people were working to find food in the same places that cows and pigs were. they bath where the cows were standing which has trash in it....a contaminated pond. I cannot explain the living conditions of these people. It was not human dignity there. No way. kids do this, men and women, elderly...they pull out plastic, glass, metal and sell it. they get sick...it is trash. it smells, and i just want to cry. its horrible. i dont get it. I dont know how to explain it other than it makes my heart hurt. I guess i do understand when people say i couldnt do that...because i could not live along side of that. i{m sure i{ll say a little more about that eventally, but i think i need more time to refelct on it. WOW...or as they say here. PUCHICA!!! there is no dignity. I´m trying to get away from feeling guilt, but seeing things like that, how could i not feel guilty that i have so much, and they nothing. and how do we bring justice to that. not charity, but justice. i just dont know.
On the bright side, dos generacions is trying to work with that the people there and some people have gotten out of that cycle of viololence (which children experience so much here, physical, sexual...). Also, my family is great. They are fun and i enjoy being with them. i can talk to them,and well, i feel like i got the best family. I have no complaints about them. They are fun and loving. They give hugs and joke. I really enjoy that and i even got to rock the baby to sleep a couple of nights. sometime i{ll post photos because my sister tooks tons of Mariann, the baby.
anyhow, mom, sorry this was not all lighter as asked, but well, sometimes things in developing countries are more real than they are happy and sometimes the reality is happy, but today, in the dump, it was not happy. it was sickening. i love and miss you all!
Love,
Jessica
Friday, May 30, 2008
please respond
What does it mean to you to be human?
Please either e'mail me with repsonces and i'll post them for you if you cant figure it out (troutmaster2005@hotmail.com), or leave it here. i want to know what this means to you and let other people know too. it has been a common theme i have been hearing.
Please either e'mail me with repsonces and i'll post them for you if you cant figure it out (troutmaster2005@hotmail.com), or leave it here. i want to know what this means to you and let other people know too. it has been a common theme i have been hearing.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
faith or lack there of
so i´m not sure how many of you know, but i have had a lot of questions concerning faith since entering college. it´s not like what it was before in high school...like a blind faith. so, last night i was having a conversation in spanish with ryan and kristin about it being hard to study tho and not having really strong convictions or passion...it was my question to kristin because she doesnt really believe in the God or Jesus that most people do, and i just started talking about how there is just this empty place in desire for God in me, and how i feel almost guilty having this scholarship and being here when theology is not my passion. i also miss having that relationship with God where i know. The thing that really got me was when kristin asked me if i believe in God...that is such a hard question for me to answer. i guess right now i believe in God or a higher being, but im still not so sure about jesus. i believe jesus lived and was fabulous, but its giving the bible credit...how can we say the bible is divinly inspired and believe that so incredibly when muslims say that the koran is divinly inspired through mohammad? who is to say we´re correct. then kristin asked other things about both being correct, but more being stories to live our lives by, more than the truth....idk...it was really interesting, and the thing is, we both see our God in people, through people, but thats the only place she sees god, and i also feel there is a greater god in heaven, i just want so much more of a relatioship with that god...more of a passion and trust for that god. so, yea, thats kind of an update here. i´m still searching, still confused, still missing something inside that i´m looking for....maybe i´ll find it. my host mom here is a head of a CBC and totally into liberation theology so possibly i´ll learn a lot from here! i hope.
thats probably the most true to where i am right now in this experience....wanting God, wanting faith....wanting clerity and what i used to have when i was young. so much of me is still drawn to what i am confortable with...but i want to make sure it´s not just because thats all i know...but i do want that back.
other than that here, things are going well. we´re going to a theater tonight with our moms for their mothers day. um, i dont know what else...nothing really has changed. its hot, cold showers actually feel kinda good...thats about it...nothing exciting....you can leave questions or comments and i will respond to them tho! i´d love to have some! if you dont wanta leave comments you can e-mail me. ok, til later! love,
Jessica
thats probably the most true to where i am right now in this experience....wanting God, wanting faith....wanting clerity and what i used to have when i was young. so much of me is still drawn to what i am confortable with...but i want to make sure it´s not just because thats all i know...but i do want that back.
other than that here, things are going well. we´re going to a theater tonight with our moms for their mothers day. um, i dont know what else...nothing really has changed. its hot, cold showers actually feel kinda good...thats about it...nothing exciting....you can leave questions or comments and i will respond to them tho! i´d love to have some! if you dont wanta leave comments you can e-mail me. ok, til later! love,
Jessica
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
i arrived safely!
Hey everyone! I arrived safely!!! Things are going really well! I didnt know that cold showers could feel so good. I missed the hamocks and platanos. My spanish is going alright which is really exciting. The flight was LONG...left at 9 and arrived at 9, but everything has been pretty great already. The organization we´re going through is fabulous. it´s going to be like a second home. they have a really nice center which we stayed at the first 3 nights. The people there are all really great. The first few days we did orientation and took the busses around to orient ourselves. I feel really safe here which is great, even on the busses. I really like it so far...well, most of it. i mean, there are little things like too much structure sometimes, but i guess thats good on your end...haha. Anyhow, Sunday night we went to meet our families and they threw us a huge welcome party. It was beautiful. The jesuit volunteers came which was just wonderful to meet them. They live about 7 blocks away. within walking distance. James (the one i know) played casa abierta for us which made me want to cry because it reminded me of salvador and well, its just a beautiful song! Oh, the night before that we4 went to this resturant kind of things called Ruta Maya. It was more culture!!! FABULOUS!!! really. it was so interesting to see some indigiounous people and hear a little about their culture.
Back to my family...i´m going to jump all around all summer so get used to it! My family is a mother, Doña Nieves (sp) for those of you who know the area. She is awesome and so nice. she´s really funny too. today i told her that another white person taught me to hand was my cloths and she said...no wonder you cant do it...the blind cant teach the blind!!! haha. Doña Nieves has a daughter with the same name, and she has an 8mo old daughter!!! yea!!! it´s fabulous! I have a baby niece to spoil!!!! HAHAHAHA!!! i´m so excited. She also has a husband but all i know right now is that he is with his mom because she´s sick. There are other kids too, but i dont know them yet...and 3 more grandkids...so really i have nieces and nephews.
Yesterday we went back to granada which was nice. We went with Rotarians who are here developing a program. Theyre really great people too! We went to this resterant there for kids that were on the street but an peace corpe volunteer created this program to get them off the street and now they have dreams. IT was really inspiring and gave me hope that some day i may be able to help people have the opportunity to do something for themselves.
Um, tommorrow we´re going to the dump. i´m a little nurvous. I´ve heard stories and i´m sure it´s going to be so sad. I am kinda hoping to have that as my service site. We´ll see tho. There is some community organizing and policy work being done over there so i´d like to do some of that.
hmmm, i dont really know what else. Some information on the country...it´s the second poorest country in the western hemisphere, but the safest...thats good! The only thing i have to worry about is pick pockets! well, and cat calls. Um, the people are funny and loving. There was a bus strike when we arrived because gas is almost $5 per gallon here...and 70% of the country makes $2 or less a day. It´s over now, but the gas is still the same price and food prices are still sky rocketed from the bus strike. The government and the bus drivers comprimised, but Luis, one of the two founders of the program we´re going through said that in about 6 months gas will be so much higher that they may strike again because of the prices.
All in all, i´m just getting here, but things are going good for me. I am just really thrilled that i feel safe here. i think time since El Salvador was good for me to see how irrational i got sometimes. Also, i feel more confident with my spanish now, so that helps. well, thats enough. this is already long and there really isnt that much more to say! I have to save some stories for when i come back.
send me letters!
Jessica Trout
c-o Escuela AKF.
Apdo P-200
Managua, Nicaragua
or call me at 001.505.270.2778
I hope that all is right...i could so be wrong. someone try the phone and let me know!!! haha. ps, my family does not speak english when you call!!! haha. just say Jessica por favor...and well, if i´m not there and you dont understand, they will probably hang up on you...because i would. haha.
love you all!
Jessica!
Back to my family...i´m going to jump all around all summer so get used to it! My family is a mother, Doña Nieves (sp) for those of you who know the area. She is awesome and so nice. she´s really funny too. today i told her that another white person taught me to hand was my cloths and she said...no wonder you cant do it...the blind cant teach the blind!!! haha. Doña Nieves has a daughter with the same name, and she has an 8mo old daughter!!! yea!!! it´s fabulous! I have a baby niece to spoil!!!! HAHAHAHA!!! i´m so excited. She also has a husband but all i know right now is that he is with his mom because she´s sick. There are other kids too, but i dont know them yet...and 3 more grandkids...so really i have nieces and nephews.
Yesterday we went back to granada which was nice. We went with Rotarians who are here developing a program. Theyre really great people too! We went to this resterant there for kids that were on the street but an peace corpe volunteer created this program to get them off the street and now they have dreams. IT was really inspiring and gave me hope that some day i may be able to help people have the opportunity to do something for themselves.
Um, tommorrow we´re going to the dump. i´m a little nurvous. I´ve heard stories and i´m sure it´s going to be so sad. I am kinda hoping to have that as my service site. We´ll see tho. There is some community organizing and policy work being done over there so i´d like to do some of that.
hmmm, i dont really know what else. Some information on the country...it´s the second poorest country in the western hemisphere, but the safest...thats good! The only thing i have to worry about is pick pockets! well, and cat calls. Um, the people are funny and loving. There was a bus strike when we arrived because gas is almost $5 per gallon here...and 70% of the country makes $2 or less a day. It´s over now, but the gas is still the same price and food prices are still sky rocketed from the bus strike. The government and the bus drivers comprimised, but Luis, one of the two founders of the program we´re going through said that in about 6 months gas will be so much higher that they may strike again because of the prices.
All in all, i´m just getting here, but things are going good for me. I am just really thrilled that i feel safe here. i think time since El Salvador was good for me to see how irrational i got sometimes. Also, i feel more confident with my spanish now, so that helps. well, thats enough. this is already long and there really isnt that much more to say! I have to save some stories for when i come back.
send me letters!
Jessica Trout
c-o Escuela AKF.
Apdo P-200
Managua, Nicaragua
or call me at 001.505.270.2778
I hope that all is right...i could so be wrong. someone try the phone and let me know!!! haha. ps, my family does not speak english when you call!!! haha. just say Jessica por favor...and well, if i´m not there and you dont understand, they will probably hang up on you...because i would. haha.
love you all!
Jessica!
Thursday, May 1, 2008
I wrote this for a class. I think it's important information to pass along.
The topic of immigration, especially undocumented immigration has been a hot topic in recent US politics. Knowing the information on immigration is the area to first address, therefore, the basic information is necessary. Primarily, an immigrant is someone who is foreign-born and admitted to live in the United States. An undocumented immigrant is someone who is living in the U.S. but has not gained permission from the U.S. government to be in the country. They may have entered without documents and inspection or extended their time of stay passed that of their visa’s expiration date (U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, 2008)
At the moment, this hot button issue of immigration is apparently a growing concern for Missouri citizens. Unfortunately, most people are putting a huge emphasis on policies that should be created far after other legislation has been passed. An important question to as is, why is Missouri focusing on immigration when only 3.4% of all Missourians are foreign born? Ninety-six point six percent of Missouri citizens are U.S. born people, and out of that small percentage of immigrants living in this state, 43% have already become U.S. citizens (Rafaman & Prentis, 2008). This means that 43% of the immigrants living in the state have been here for over five years and went through gaining citizenship, yet many others are legally documented immigrants who have not gained full citizenship yet.
After viewing these statistics, policymakers seem to be a little too concerned with a creating and passing a bill that should be far less important than the enormous situation the state has with health care among other key problems. Nevertheless, the Missouri senate has created various anti-immigration bills to address the seemingly small immigration problem Missourians face. Missouri House Bill 1463 (HB1463) is an anti-immigration bill that states that undocumented immigrants should not be permitted to attend any institution of higher education. These institutions include community colleges, technical schools, and state universities. The bill specifies that the colleges are required to check the status of their students and it would be illegal to admit any undocumented student (MO HB 1463).
This legislation is unfortunate because for most undocumented immigrants entering college, immigration was likely not their choice. The
House Bill 1463 is unfortunately not the only anti-immigration piece in the Missouri legislature. Various other bills are going through the house and senate in the 2008 legislative year. For example, in the Missouri House of Representatives there have been three major bills this session. They include HB 1764 and HB 2320 which were combined to enforce the immigration laws set by the federal government through prohibiting employers to hire undocumented persons. This bill was passed on March 16th. Senate Bill (SB) 858 was passed on March 23 to modify the law for undocumented persons, and HB 1317, passed on March 8th which forces election authorities to check the citizen status of people when applying for registration. In the senate, Bob Onder sponsored HB 1549 which would give highway patrol officers the training and authority to ask about legal status of those arrested. Another bill, HB 1626 prohibits public aid to illegal immigrants (Missouri Immigrant & Refugee Advocates, 2008).
Background and information give basic tools to understanding the immigration issue, but there are various other problems with HB 1463. One of the problems stems from the outlook and myths society has about the larger situation of undocumented immigration, but the main problem with this specific bill is human rights violation. The Universal Declaration of Human Rights (United Nations, 2008) provided on the United Nations webpage explains some of the basic rights that all human being are protected through. Many of the aforementioned bills going through the state and senate also violate various articles in the human rights declaration.
The document states that dignity and worth of everyone along with social progress and betting standards for life are human rights. Article 1 directly states that all humans are equal in human dignity. First and foremost, HB 1463 is not allowing this to happen. A violation of human rights directly related to HB 1463 is noted through the statement in Article 26 that says “Everyone has the right to education” (p.5). The human rights document also states that availability of higher education should be accessible to everyone and should develop the person in promoting tolerance, understanding and friendship among all groups (United Nations, 1998). Restricting undocumented immigrants from universities halts equality, tolerance, understanding, and friendship among all groups.
Furthermore, human rights are not specific to race, color sex, language, religion, political or other opinions, national origin, social origin, property, birth, or status (United Nations, 2008), but the laws seem to be based on various aspects contained in this list. Other human rights expressed in the declaration include the right to work and choice of where to work within good condition, the right to a standard of living and well being for families, the right to freely be part of cultural life within community, free and full development of the person, and the general welfare of a society, or the common good (United Nations, 2008). All of these declarations are found to be constrained through HB 1463.
Human rights is the direct crisis related to passing HB1463, but societal outlook and misinformation is also a huge problem within the larger immigration discussion. Many people seem to have ideas that immigrants are taking US employment, draining social service systems and the economy in general, and they do not pay taxes. All of these ideas are false. Immigrants create more positions that they take. Undocumented immigrants cannot meet eligibility requirements for most federal and state benefits provided by the government and they can only receive benefits after gaining permanent residency in the United States for at least five years. They provide almost 10 billion each year to the economy, and pay $90 to $140 billion in taxes. Social Security also has $420 billion from people who will never be able to access this money. Furthermore, in Missouri alone, undocumented immigrants pay $29-57 million in taxes (Rafaman & Prentis, 2008).
After intense research and a policy analysis on House Bill 1463: College Admission of Undocumented Immigrants, passing this bill is clearly a violation of human rights. All stakeholders should be educated on the effects of immigration in the United States society. Legislators, more than anyone, should become aware of the harsh ideas presented by anti-immigration legislation. All U.S. citizens should also begin contacting legislators to address the importance of their decisions and have their voices heard.
References
Dream Act, S. 2205, 109t Cong., (2007).
Financial aid and scholarship for undocumented students. (2008, April 28).
http://www.finaid.org/otheraid/undocumented.phtml
Immigrant & Refugee Advocates, (2008). MIRA Advocacy Day Handout. St. Louis, MO.
Missouri House Bill 1463 (2008)
Missouri Senate Bill 858, (2008)
National Conference of State Legislators. (2008).
http://www.ncsl.org/programs/educ/undocimmigrant.htm
Noble, J. (2008). Missouri senate passed immigration bill on voice vote. KansasCity.com.
Nodler, G. (2008) Missouri cannot wait for Washington to act on illegal immigration.
The Chart.
Protopsaltis, S. (2008). Undocumented immigrant students and access to higher
education: An overview of federal and state policy. The Bell Policy Center Web site: http://www.thebell.org/PUBS/IssBrf/2005/03UndocTuition.pdfMissouri
Rafaman, J. & Prentis, C. (2008, April 26). The State of Immigration in Missouri:
Myths, facts, & implications for our community. Immigrants, Immigration and People of Faith Conference-Cardinal Ritter High School, St. Louis
United Nations. (2008). Retrieved April 26, 2008, from Fiftieth anniversary of the
universal declaration of human rights: 1948-1998 Web site:
http://www.un.org/Overview/rights.html
[Brochure]. Washington, DC
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
